One Step Closer to Divinity

Recently, I was speaking with a friend who had broken up with his girlfriend and was clearly distressed about it. As we sat over dinner, he explained how, early on in their relationship, he had screwed up by failing to attend an event that was apparently very important to his ex. I listened as he told me how there had been a pretty bad snow storm that night, the party was out on Long Island and he didn't want to get stuck out there, and he really didn't think it was a big deal if he didn't go. He was wrong. Over the next few months, the skipped party was raised multiple times by his ex as a source of anger and hurt (his failure to brave the elements being interpreted as not caring about her). When they broke up over the summer, this incident was raised again and it was clear that no amount of apologies on his part could ever erase the cloud that this perceived slight placed over their relationship.

As I listened to this story, my immediate response was in defense of my friend ... concluding that he was better off without her, judging that she clearly had a problem and that he deserved better. I mean, why was this girl still harping on this fight months later? Why couldn't she get over it and just move on? However, as I considered the story for a moment I realized that I too have been guilty of the same thing (yes, even matchmakers are not perfect). In a recent argument with my boyfriend, my normally sweet and wonderful guy said a few things that were less than loving. We had supposedly kissed and made up but unbeknownst to him, each time I replayed it my head I was left newly angry. He had moved on, but I was remembering the exchange word for word.

In a moment of objectivity, I then considered the various times I have said things I wish I could take back and done things that have offended others even when that was not my intention - and when I asked for forgiveness, my desire was not to just be appeased with empty words but to be forgiven entirely. Certainly, if I have asked this of others, I should be able to give it return.

Yes, people make mistakes. We err.* Indeed, we will all be the transgressor and the transgressed at some point in a relationship. It is as certain as death and taxes. The critical question is what happens next? If someone you are dating does something insensitive, says something rude, or acts in a way that is disrespectful, of course you have a right to take offense. You have a right to voice your feelings (which is always a better alternative than not saying anything and letting animosity fester), to ask for an apology and for an assurance that the hurtful conduct will not happen again. If someone cannot offer a sincere apology (we all know a terse "I'm sorry, what do you want to do, draw blood?" response is probably not going to cut it) or guarantee that he or she won't do that again, then you need to think about whether you can - or should - let it go or whether you need to end things.

On the other hand, if someone has wronged you but is truly remorseful (I know if my friend could do it over he would be at that party even if it meant snowshoeing it there), it's important for your relationship that you can find it in your heart to forgive. Because if a relationship is going to survive - and thrive - a short memory when it comes to misdeeds is an asset. And the ability to forgive is essential. If you claim to forgive someone but still continue to punish that person long after the fact by reminding him or her of whatever nonsense took place months prior, you are writing your relationship's own death sentence. Let it go or end it, but don't carry it into the future. If you can't let it go, maybe you need to ask yourself why - are you looking for an excuse to end things with that person (perhaps my friend's ex was) or are you someone who is simply incapable of forgiving?

For members of the Jewish faith, the past ten days represented a period of self-examination and repentance. As the tradition goes, in this time period if someone asks for forgiveness the aggrieved party must feel incumbent to extend forgiveness with a full heart. Even though the high holidays have just passed (and even if you aren't Jewish), these principles can be applied
all year long - and we all just may find our New Year is indeed happier and healthier.

* "Ah ne'er so dire a Thirst of Glory boast,
Nor in the Critick let the Man be lost!
Good-Nature and Good-Sense must ever join;
To err is human, to forgive divine."

Alexander Pope (1688-1744)

Ready to get proactive about your love life. Make it happen. marni@sundayatnoon.com

Partnership Track

Recently I spoke with a girl – in other parts of the country they’d exclusively use the term woman – who is 36 and who told me that she had just hooked up with a 26 year old guy while out east in the Hamptons. She explained to me that she didn’t look 36, though, and that people often mistook her to be in her late 20s. I saw her pictures (she was interested in potentially becoming a client but was still very unsure about whether she needed anyone’s assistance with finding someone and she was very independent and “could be very happy alone”) - and I might give her early 30s. But the fact is that she is 36.

Now some people might say “you go girl” to this modern Ms. Robinson but the question is, where is she going? No doubt that the boy toy is great for a night of "fun" but ultimately it becomes crystal clear that eye candy is not particularly nutritious and you’d probably be better served changing your diet. (Ok, ok, I know it’s very hard to resist the young gun with the washboard abs and boyish smile who pursues you with an urgency that is often lacking with the older guys - an urgency which invariably falls off after a week of texting…).

Indeed, for all her talk about being happily single and having fun, I know this girl/woman will find herself in two or three more summers in the Hamptons sipping drinks at a parking lot on the side of the road thinking “for some reason, this seemed more fun a few years ago...” And then she will be 38 or 39. Not a great place to be for a single woman looking to get married in this very competitive, youth driven city.

What amazes me - or truthfully troubles me - about women in their mid to late 30s/early 40s in New York is that a good number of them are so unaware of the fact that no matter how young they think they look, or how much money they make, or what exclusive events or parties they go to, or how many people they know, or how many guys “hit on” them (but don’t stick around for more), their age is their age – and it is working against them each birthday.

While many NYC women might like to make the analogy that they are like a fine wine, I hate to break it to you, Ladies, most men who are looking to eventually get married and have a family are NOT looking at you that way. It is the unfortunate reality with men that younger is typically better. Why? There is no pressure to get married and have kids immediately with girls in their late 20s/early 30s. Also, naturally, there is less reason to worry that there are going to be fertility problems (yes, anyone who’s informed on this subject knows that men have them too but somehow they always get overlooked). And simply put, men are hardwired from thousands of years of evolution to believe that younger (i.e. more fertile) is simply better. The same way taller is typically more desirable to women when it comes to men – that’s just the way it is.

A guy friend of mine - who is in fact an exceptionally good guy - put it quite well recently. He told me about a date he went on with a woman who demonstrated such a sense of entitlement that he was forced to admit: “If I wanted to deal with this kind of attitude, I might as well date a 28 year old, not some 38 year old spoiled princess. Does she realize at this age, she needs to lose the attitude?” He is now dating a 27 year old (and he is 44).

“Just hold on a minute Sunday at Noon Blog, what precisely are you saying?” some readers may be thinking. What does this mean? Women have no value after 35? Women shouldn’t love themselves at any age? Women should settle for losers because they are 38?

I am sure this blog is going to cause ire among a certain group of readers, but let’s get rid of all that nonsense. For starters, I am 37 so, clearly, I do not think that 35+ women have lost their value. But being that I know what the lay of the land is so to speak, I am just going to say it – Ladies, it’s time to wake up. You are not 25 anymore – and you don’t want to be 25 – there was too much drama and insecurity back then and you put up with way too much bs from the wrong guys. So what am I saying? That it’s time to consider acting your age and acting in a way that will get you what you presumably want – a wonderful partner who is your equal and who will love you and appreciate you and want to build a future with you.

Let me elaborate. As many of my readers know, I am an attorney by training and practiced law for ten years before starting my business helping people take control of their love lives. There is a familiar saying in the legal world: if you want people to see you as “partner material,” you need to act like a partner. You need to dress like a partner, think like a partner and act like you are already a partner. The same goes for dating.

If you are looking to meet someone with the potential to be your future husband, you need to be acting like a potential future wife. That means not hooking up with 26 year old boy toys who are not offering you anything other than possibly good sex and an ego boost. That means not getting drunk with your girlfriends anymore until 2 in the morning or drinking too much on your first dates and going home and hooking up. That means accepting a good man despite his “flaws” because he is accepting you despite your age and your “flaws” (whatever they may be). I often hear women who are 35+ rejecting men because they are losing their hair, are not tall enough, have a few extra pounds, etc. I want to say to these women (and sometimes have) do you have cellulite? Do you think men looove wrinkles? I tend to think not. Do you have a perfect ass? A body like a 22 year old? They are accepting you for your imperfections, why can’t you do the same?

So, Ladies, here is a friendly suggestion (please know that while the blog may be blunt, the commentary is conveyed with the most sincere intention to help): why not take a moment to reassess your priorities, start acting your age and start considering the men you are meeting as a potential partner ... you might just find you get treated the same way in return.


Goodbye Summer, Hello Fall! Ready to meet that special someone - make it happen! Personalized introductions, dating coaching, image consulting and assistance with online profile creation/revisions. http://www.sundayatnoon.com/

Gender Bender

I recently looked up the term metrosexual and the definitions I came across described a man who has a high disposable income, lives or works in the city, is overly concerned with his appearance (e.g. vain, loves to shop, gets manicures, laser hair removal, etc.) and who displays attributes stereotypically associated with women or homosexual men (that is, NOT stereotypical male qualities). Indeed, modern day life in NYC has definitely blurred gender lines to such an extent that I know certain self-proclaimed Casanovas who are so in touch with their feminine side and/or exhibit such a sense of style that every woman (and non-metrosexual guy) I know is convinced that they are gay. I often wonder if they realize that is the looming question every time they walk away from hitting on a girl.

But, there is the flip side of the coin that no one talks about – the Alpha Female who is as equally unappealing to the men, Ladies, as the uber-metrosexual male is to you. Certainly, we all know her though none of my male clients want to meet her. She is more often than not successful, self-reliant, loud-spoken, opinionated and domineering. She may even be hot with a killer body, wearing a mini-skirt and a garter belt underneath but ultimately she is still exuding a masculine energy and a harshness that is just not attractive. And while no guys are wondering if she is gay when she walks away, they are happy to let her leave. Then they turn their attention to the foreign cutie in the corner or the girl at the bar with the soft Southern accent and enjoy being in the presence of a graceful and sexy woman.

Yes, Ladies, another “Don’t Shoot the Messenger” blog: I hear far too many men complain that New York women simply do not know how to be feminine. And this is really such a shame because femininity is appealing, femininity is sexy and exuding femininity can often be much more powerful than bulldozing your dates, co-workers, etc. with masculine energy.

Unfortunately, this city breeds a certain type of Alpha Female who thinks that power is found in speaking in harsh, loud, strident tones (yes, there is a New York way of speaking a la Bethenny Frankel that simultaneously indicates that the speaker will cut you down to size and castrate you and then tell all of her friends about it). This way of speaking may or may not get results in the office, but in regard to dating scientific studies show that it is not effective as men consistently rate women as more attractive when they speak in a pleasant tone of voice. So, Ladies, why not give it a try - speak in a softer voice and see if you don't notice a little more chivalrous treatment.

Indeed, these same Alpha Females can often be observed virtually marching down the street, office hallway, etc. when they could benefit immensely from walking with a bit of finesse and grace. Just the other week I was talking with a guy friend who commented that he is always drawn to European women because they “just know how to move better than New York women.” Something to think about, Ladies.

Equally unappealing, these Alpha Females are often know-it-alls on their dates ... they know everything about sports, everything about finance, everything about EVERYTHING and there isn’t possibly anything these guys can teach them because, well, they know everything. After a date like that, imagine what a breath of fresh air it is for a guy when he meets a woman who shows curiosity and appreciation for the things he wants to share with her (as I have had to explain to some of my female clients, men like to teach – let them!).[1] Unlike their Latin sisters who typically go out of their way to make a man feel like a man and who know when to let him take charge of a situation (e.g. to protect those around him – a very natural male instinct), many New York women make sure the guy knows that they intend to wear the pants in the relationship and the pants will be Prada. While the metrosexual male may want to get into those Prada pants, that’s about it.

Now please know that I am not saying that women should be penalized for being smart, successful and having opinions. To the contrary, the men with whom I speak are very attracted to women who can counter a fun loving jibe with a witty retort or who can beat them in a game of tennis or golf. Let’s be crystal clear – the quality guys I know are definitely not looking for a doormat. What I am saying, however, is that it’s no surprise that a guy will often forgo this "metrosexual equivalent" female emitting masculine, harsh energy and who thinks it's funny and cool that she doesn’t know how to cook to instead choose spending time with a woman who is sweet, supportive, appreciative, graceful, feminine and can occasionally prepare a dish or two.

The unfortunate reality is that sometimes it’s necessary for women here to adopt a tough exterior to survive in the dog eat dog world of corporate New York. However, Ladies, if you learn how to skillfully flip the switch and leave your Alpha Female in the office you will likely see a whole new response from the men around you. As I stated in my First Date Tool Box Lecture, men don’t want to date a man (at least the straight ones don’t) – where’s Jean Nate when you need it?![2]

[1] An additional piece of advice: men love women who know how to let the man lead on the dance floor. By following, it doesn’t mean you are subservient, it just means that you recognize that you can’t have two people leading and dance well together!

[2] For those readers who aren’t children of the 70s, Jean Nate was a famous ad campaign where the protagonist entered the ad swishing her hair and singing how she could bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let you forget she was a woman – ah, the memories!

The Summer Getaway

Walking outside on the concrete city sidewalks on perfect summer days like yesterday, you can’t help but daydream about all of the wonderful things you could be doing by the ocean or in the mountains … Not to worry, the weekend is just a few days away and the relaxation (or adventure) can begin. If you’re single with no particular love interest in your life, it’s simple – you’ll gather your typical partners in crime and go to where the guys and the girls are. If you’re in a relationship, it’s also easy - you can rebook that romantic bed and breakfast you stayed at last summer. Done.

But for those individuals who are in that no man’s land – somewhere between a first date and enough dates to know each other’s annoying habits but still like that person anyway – the prospect of inviting this new spirit to share in your wanderlust is fraught with both excitement and concern. Suddenly, images of frolicking in the ocean and outdoor tiki torch lit dinners give way to myriad complicated questions:

• Is it too soon to spend the whole weekend away with this person?
• What does it mean that he asked me to go away?
• What, if anything, will she read into this invitation?
• What if things go terribly wrong and I can’t stand this person’s face by day two?
• What if things go well – am I prepared to have sex with this person? Am I prepared to be exclusive with this person?
• Who pays for what? If I am the invitee do I have to pay for anything at all?

Tough questions, and obviously, the answers can vary depending on the circumstances.[1] Too bad there isn’t a guidebook that, in addition to walking you through your various hotel and restaurant options, asks you: are you really ready to take this trip? Please answer this five page questionnaire before you book. You can thank us later.

Nevertheless, in an effort to shed some light on these questions, let’s start with the request to go away for the weekend – what does it mean? Under most circumstances, it is usually the guy initiating the request for a weekend trip and so I am going to work with that “sexist” assumption for purposes of this blog. Ladies, you might be inclined to think that if a guy is asking you to take a weekend jaunt with him it is a promising sign of his level of interest … but be very careful before you read too much into it as that isn’t always the case.

The new man in your life may have a pattern of asking women he is just starting to date to go away with him (this is particulary likely to be true if he has a vacation house at the proposed destination). He may just have a strong desire to get away and doesn’t want to go by himself. And, of course, he may just simply want to get laid. But please don’t take me for a Debbie Downer - sometimes a man’s request to take you on a weekend getaway can be a very good indication of his level of interest and so the excitement with which you share the news with your friends will be entirely justified.[2]

Accepting the request to go away. So, you’re inclined to accept because you are comfortable in the connection you two have and believe that his intentions are good. Still, you should ask yourself "do I know this person well enough to be stuck playing house with him for a few days?" A friend of mine recently went on a date in the city with a guy who has a house in the Hamptons and they had a great time. After their first date, he invited her out east. She debated about going but ultimately accepted because the weekend sounded so appealing (perfect weather, tennis, lots of great meals). After 24 hours, she was texting me how she could not wait for the weekend to be over. As she recounted after, it was painful.

Lesson to be learned: going away before you’ve had at least several good dates and at least a sleepover or two is probably not a good idea. As a rough rule of thumb, you’re probably safe going away after five or six dates. By then, you hopefully know the person well enough to feel comfortable with him or her and you can feel relatively assured that there is not going to be some type of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation.

Another cause for pause for the women could be a strong desire to go away countered by a fear of rushing things in the beginning and potentially jeopardizing the longevity of the relationship. This is a valid concern and can be a tough call. When you first start dating someone there is a sense of mystery about the other person – you know very little about this new object of your affection and the tiny tidbits of information you get on each date are rewarding and intriguing. However, after four hours (each way) in the car singing 80s music off key together, hearing about each other’s childhoods or relationship war stories (coupled with the 24/7 time together away), sharing a bathroom together, waking up sans make up, with matted hair and morning breath it is inevitable that some of that “new mystery feeling” is going to be gone. In addition, you’re not going through the exciting process of “scheduling” time together because, well, you’re together all day long … You’ve jumped a whole level in the dating game that can never be regained. Something to take into consideration.

Of course, there is the upside. Should you have a great weekend away together, you will have started off your relationship creating some wonderful memories. Instead of meeting for drinks or dinner, you are experiencing something fresh and new together which is always welcome after you’ve been on countless dinner dates. Naturally, you will likely get to know this person on many more levels now that you are away from the stress of work and our demanding city life. And, of course, seeing that you can enjoy each other’s company for hours on end is extremely valuable. The pros are looking good so you go…

Ok, now you’re having a phenomenal time which leads to the sex question. We all know that the weekend away expedites the question of when sex enters the picture. Are you booking two rooms or one? Are you sleeping in the same bed? (Ladies, the guy’s assumption is going to be that you are staying in the same bed unless you disabuse him of that notion. If you have an issue with this, you definitely want to iron these questions out before you hop into the car or train). From the men I’ve spoken to, the vast majority believe that it’s almost a foregone conclusion that if you’re planning a weekend trip together there’s going to be sex. Women, you might be on exactly the same page or not, but you need to be aware of this.

Then there is the question of who pays. Guys, if you’re asking a girl away for the weekend, it’s fair to assume you have at least all major expenses covered (lodging, rental car, dinners). But, Ladies, this doesn’t mean you should look at the weekend as an all expenses included trip allowing you to leave your wallet at home. The one thing many of the men I speak to state they can’t stand is a woman who won’t open her purse on a trip to even purchase her own pack of gum. At a minimum, you can’t go wrong at least offering to pick up a lunch or dinner. If the guy is dripping in money, it’s my opinion he absolutely should not accept the offer, but otherwise, a more normal guy will likely appreciate the effort to contribute a little. Certainly, one of the most important travel tips I can give is to show appreciation. Someone just took the time to plan a nice trip and spend money on a weekend away for the two of you. Saying thank you at the end of the weekend with a nice note or home cooked meal can go a long way.

And the million dollar question: What does this weekend retreat mean for the relationship? Potentially nothing. Potentially everything. Guys, be on notice that what started as an innocent idea for a carefree weekend excursion can lead to serious expectations by the time you’re putting her Louis Vuitton bags back in the trunk on Sunday afternoon. You’ve now (potentially) been intimate - are you exclusive? You just spent a sizable amount of time together - are you going to be talking each day? Seeing each other more frequently? Some women might give the weekend away far more meaning than you do, so if you don’t want to deal with the questions that will inevitably arise once you are back to reality, you may want to postpone your summer get away a few more weeks.

But the good news is that once you have all these vexing questions out of the way, you’re on your way to a weekend of summer lovin.’ Bon Voyage!


[1] Should the potential weekend away involve a wedding or meeting someone’s family members, the decision is even tougher and requires even more deliberation. You are entering a whole new dimension of the weekend getaway conundrum.

[2] But, women, you still have to be wary. Many times when a guy is really into a woman he has just started dating (often pre-sex) he will start planning all sorts of weekend excursions with the most sincere intentions … but there’s no guarantee that he will still feel that way three weeks from now. Also, be suspect of the guy who is insanely into you right away. For example, he’s talking about planning a trip in the Fall (when it’s still May) and you’re not even speaking on a consistent basis.

Why wait until the end of summer to take proactive steps to meet someone wonderful? Now is the perfect time to do something for yourself and potentially be planning a romantic summer getaway of your own! www.sundayatnoon.com

Imperfect Perfection

Think of someone you think the world of, someone you adore. Maybe your mother. Or your father. Your sister ... or brother. Or perhaps your closest friend. Now think of that person’s flaws – surely, he or she has some. Really take a moment to think. You love your mom, but perhaps she can be a bit naggy on occasion. Maybe your best friend can be a stubborn [you know what] from time to time, but he’s still your best bud and you’d do anything for him.

In most aspects of our lives, we can accept that the people we love are flawed human beings but naturally we still love them anyway. Despite those flaws, we recognize the qualities that make them the unique, wonderful people they are and we cherish having them in our lives.

But for some reason, when it comes to dating, the minute we see that a new love interest is less than perfect we rush to judgment. And often that judgment is equivalent to the Spanish Inquisition – no one stands a chance from thereon in.

As I have said time and time again in this blog, in this city, the cognoscenti demand the best – if just one thing is not perfect at a restaurant, clothing store, salon, etc., Manhattanites can easily find a replacement within the proverbial New York minute. And no where is this mentality manifested more than in dating. This person has a flaw - well, I really don’t think I see myself ending up with this flawed person. Clearly, it’s time to move on as there is another seemingly flawless person who I met yesterday at a friend’s cocktail party and I have a very good feeling this person does not have any flaws.

Logic right out of Catch 22.

News flash to Everyone: the quest for the perfect person will result in about as much success as finding an apartment close enough to jog to and through Central Park, with more closet space than you could possibly use, but also walking distance to Pastis and under $1,000 a month. My point: it doesn’t exist.

To be clear, I’m not talking about giving a pass to someone who is rude or dismissive to you on a first date, there’s no need to excuse that type of behavior. Nor am I am talking about settling (and should you be inclined to see it that way, consider that someone is also then “settling” for you.) What I am referring to is the scenario where, after a handful of great dates, you notice a person’s flaws such as his slight impatience when you’re running late or her mild moodiness when you forget to introduce her to a girl you are chatting with at a party. All of a sudden you see for the first time this person is less than perfect and quickly you are not sure you’re interested anymore. We’ve all been there – we REALLY liked someone but he or she showed his or her imperfections too soon and now that person has the equivalent level of interest to you as yesterday’s newspaper.

Now, Reader, I have no doubt that you’re pretty fantastic but I am sure you have your flaws too. Think for a second. Guys, the fact that you sometimes forget to put the toilet seat down is not what I'm talking about here. Or girls, your occasional insecurity about how you look naked requiring lots of compliments doesn’t count. You can’t think of any of consequence? I bet your exes might volunteer a few. But those aren’t fair, you’re thinking. Ok, how about we poll even those who love you dearly and see what they say. Even though they would likely succeed in listing a few less than ideal qualities, they certainly wouldn’t want anyone writing off their wonderful Timmy or Stacey because of them. If someone did, it would most certainly be that person’s loss! Thanks, Mom.

Unfortunately, our loved ones and best friends aren’t always around to vouch for us – hey, I know Stacey just acted like a diva but don’t write her off - she’s really a fantastic girl she just has her moments. No, people only know what they see so everyone needs to be oh so cautious. It’s like that priceless Chris Rock skit where he jokes that no one meets the real person when you first start dating – instead you meet the other person’s representative (who is the best possible version of that person and would never admit that he hates his job, or that he can be a bit self-centered in relationships, or that he follows the 10 second rule when he drops food on the floor, and so on ...). Indeed, if you swap the representative for the real you too soon, chances are you and the representative are both fired. Oh, such a delicate balance - you want people to see and fall in love with the real you, but the real you might not withstand the merciless New York scrutiny.

If people could just forgive each other for being flawed, but still wonderful beings, we might actually find ourselves falling not only for someone’s representative, but also for his or her real, imperfect self -- who could still be just perfect for you.

With the warm weather upon us, now is truly the best time of year to join Sunday at Noon and meet that special someone!

Lesson From My Nephew - Manners Count!

Recently, I was visiting my family out on Long Island and at the end of the day it was announced that Aunt Marni had to catch her train back to Manhattan. Before I could even try to open the front door for myself, my six-year-old nephew raced over and opened it for me. I was impressed. Then, as we walked to the car, his little legs walked slightly faster so he could get ahead and open the car door for me. I was even more impressed. As my nephew and I sat in the rear of the mini-van, my sister passed back a bag of deliciously tart sour patch kids to my nephew. Before even dipping his tiny fingers in the bag, he turned to me, held the bag out and asked if I would like any. Ok, now I was really impressed. Good job, Laura!

Some of the grown men I know do not have nearly as good manners.

Hearing the outcome of countless dates, I can tell you, Guys, that you can win or lose MAJOR points by your display of good manners (which is often simply showing consideration and concern for your date) or your lack thereof.

When I was discussing this topic with male friends at my most recent Sunday at Noon event at an art gallery, one of the guys seemed a little dubious: “I don’t want to be the nice guy who turns into just a friend. What about the woman's need for the thrill of the chase?” Guys, I am not talking here about tripping all over yourself and doting excessively on a woman. I am addressing the expression of basic gentility. Trust me when I say good manners are a big turn on.

So, with that clarified, perhaps you’re thinking your parents didn’t prepare you as well as my sister has trained my nephew. Or perhaps you’re not sure what constitutes good manners anymore (yes, times are a changin’).[1] Well there’s hope - you can always consult the updated Emily Post Book of Etiquette (17th Edition)[2]. I actually bought it myself – it’s quite large and covers everything from the impropriety of chewing gum with your mouth open – something which many men and women do and which is my personal pet peeve to on line dating tips (“Be honest when you write your profile, and post an up–to-date photo. Proofread your profile carefully.”).

Now, when I caution you, Guys, to try to display the best manners possible on a date or potentially risk falling into the “nice enough guy, but I don’t think I want to go out with him again” category I’m not talking about women getting their feathers ruffled over your using your salad fork for your entree. Instead, I am talking about, among other things:

• Walking ahead of the girl on the sidewalk (women HATE this and could very easily decide not to go on a second date based on this conduct alone. It shows a real lack of concern about the well-being of your date);
• Not seeing your date to the subway, into a cab, etc. (shows a complete indifference to whether she gets home ok);
• Licking your fingers instead of using a napkin, licking your knife, using your fingers to push your food onto your fork, etc. (you don’t think this happens on dates with people you know, but I assure you, it does);
• Texting on your blackberry during the date (of course, this goes for both sexes).

And one of the BIGGEST complaints I hear from women is men who talk about themselves virtually the entire time and never ask questions (and typically the men are doing this even though they like these girls and want to go out again!). Ok, sometimes these guys ask one or two questions (to their date’s 20 questions). And for every story she has about skydiving, wine tasting, etc. these braggadocios counter with five stories of their own (as Emily Post’s Book of Etiquette reminds, good conversation should be like a tennis volley). Essentially, with these guys it’s all about them. And it’s funny, because despite the stereotype about women being the chattier of the sexes, I NEVER hear this complaint from the guys. Message to the Men: Women find this conduct self-centered, off-putting, and, frankly, just boring.

So if you’re on a date and trying to make a good impression, here are a few tips that, when followed, can go a long way:

• Walk alongside the women you are out with. Also try to be conscious of the grates on the NYC sidewalks. Don’t be oblivious and force her to walk right onto one and damage her new and beautiful Jimmy Choos!
• If it’s been raining/snowing, help her to cross the corners which we all know in Manhattan can be a huge mess after a snowstorm!
• Compliment her on some aspect of her appearance. This shows appreciation for the effort she put in to look nice for your date (but avoid something sexual: a compliment such as “I like your earrings” or even “you look great” is appropriate and thoughtful).
• Be a gentleman and help her take her coat off (and also help her with putting it back on when the time comes).
• Ask her if she would like anything else after finishing brunch/dinner - don’t just immediately ask for the check.
• AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: Show interest in the other person, i.e. ask questions and be a good listener.

Of course, I could go on and on with suggestions, but you get the point … show some chivalry. Women love it (in fact, everyone appreciates good manners), it tends to indicate good upbringing and it makes women feel appreciated. Finding the right person in this giant city is challenging enough, don’t let bad manners be the reason you’re not meeting and (keeping) Mrs. Right!

[1] Some men have reported to me that they have been chastised for holding the door open for women and now are reluctant to do so. My advice, ignore those women and keep opening the doors – most women (at least the ones you want to date) do appreciate it. However, some etiquette books advise that in this day and age men might want to first ask women “May I open the door for you?” That works too.
[2] Emily Post’s famous book of etiquette has been skillfully updated by her great-grand-daughter-in-law, Peggy Post who is also recognized as the leading authority on etiquette and a prolific author in her own right.

The Little Prince And Grand Ideas

The Little Prince. Yes, the book by Antoine de Saint- Exupéry. Maybe some of you read it as children, others as adults, and if you’re really impressive, maybe you read it in French (unless of course if you’re French, which would then make it not as impressive). If you haven’t read it, I urge you to stop by the book store on your way home from work and pick up a copy. It’s a quick read - you can polish it off in between your workout and your nighttime t.v. shows. And it is, after all, a classic - one of the best selling books ever, with over 80 million copies sold and translated into 180 languages. Ok, you may be wondering is this a book review or a blog on dating? Well, maybe both… The Little Prince leaves you with unforgettable characters (e.g. the Conceited Man who is lonely and craves admiration from everyone but cannot hear anything that is not a compliment and therefore lives alone on his planet - or the vain, coquettish and foolish but loving rose who drives the little prince to leave his asteroid) as well as the profound and endearing reminder that “On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."

Translation: "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."

A profound piece of advice to searching singles trying to assess what qualities are really necessary in another human being in their quest for love. Of course, Saint- Exupéry didn’t set out to write a book on dating in Manhattan, but single New Yorkers would be well served to read (or re-read) this little gem offering insights on the human condition that are as relevant here on the isle of Manhattan as anywhere else on the globe (or any asteroid, for that matter).[1]

As a professional matchmaker, I am constantly listening to people’s descriptions of what they are looking for in members of the opposite sex: Intelligence. Got it. Kindness. Certainly important. A good sense of humor. Yup. But then there is: A full head of hair (preferably not grey), at least 5’11”, very handsome face, not too much older, must be in great shape AND intelligent, kind, with a good sense of humor, a solid job, wants a real relationship and is basically all around perfect). Or … it may go something like this with the guys: VERY attractive, young, thin, blond, C-cup... smart, cool, really fun, sweet, oh, did I say hot and young? Um, ok. (Actually, in all fairness, I have only had one guy mention to me a requested cup size, so thank goodness there’s actually flexibility there).

Sometimes, I feel compelled to ask the rhetorical question: are you marrying someone’s hair (you do know, they could lose it in 10 years, right?) or his character? And, really ladies, aren't bald guys sexy? Guys, are you marrying a girl’s killer body (yes, that can change too after one kid) or her character? Look around you – if you take a glance at most older couples, typically neither side is looking like a spring chicken. Yes, I know it’s been said before, but at the risk of throwing out platitudes – LOOKS FADE (anyone been to a reunion lately?). Ok, ok, for the smartasses out there, height doesn’t change but you get my point. By focusing so much on the exterior as New Yorkers tend to do and expecting everyone to be perfect (ok, we’re apparently not as bad as LA, I’ll give us that, but many of us are guilty of being unforgiving imperfect perfectionistas in this city) we often stand in our own way of actually having what it is we seek and what would ultimately make us happy.

Please understand, I get that there has to be chemistry – you have to be physically attracted to the other person on some level, you have to want to kiss him or her or it’s simply not gonna work. And we all know that you can’t manufacture attraction no matter how much you try (wouldn’t that be great, though, if there were an attraction manufacturing plant somewhere…).

But the real question that needs to be asked is what makes you want to kiss someone? Just a hot body or an attractive face? Can the qualities that are found below the surface make someone physically attractive to you if you’re in the right mindset to find those things attractive? (i.e. actually heeding and internalizing the above advice offered by the clever fox to the little prince). Let me elaborate.

If you’re at a stage in your life where you are seeking a true partner (someone who gets you, who makes you feel valued, whose company you treasure, who you respect, who’s going to be there for you in adversity, who’s going to be a great mother or father to your kids), then some true soul searching about what really makes you happy might result in a change in priorities and who/what you’re attracted to…

So, if a person on a date is great company and shows a window into a soul that is GORGEOUS to you, you might metaphorically “see” with your heart a gorgeous human being (yes, I know you’re thinking, they made a movie like this it’s called Shallow Hal). Actually, I can think of a story of this actually transpiring when I was just a young‘un. All of the kids in my sixth grade class decided to conduct a poll to see who everyone thought was the prettiest girl in the class. As we all read the names aloud, certain prepubescent girls’ names came up consistently in the folded notebook paper squares (where was our teacher? must have been during recess…) and then all of a sudden the name Mary Jane Smith appeared in one tiny square. Everyone knew that the only person who could have possibly put her name down was Leonard Beane as Mary Jane was the farthest thing from what you would call a seductive Lolita and it was common knowledge that Leonard had a huge crush on Mary Jane (names are being changed to protect the innocent). There was something very impressive to me about this even back in sixth grade.

Ok, back to 2010. If you’re looking to fall in love, get married and have a family with someone, let’s say that means spending the next 40 or 50 years of your life with your partner (I mean who’s going into these things anxious to get divorced). When you seriously consider what that means in terms of years and time together, certain physical qualities that you may have put so much stock in back in your younger days might just become less important ... and certain qualities that speak to a person’s character may become more valuable (yes, even serving to make someone more physically attractive to you). So, if your true priority is to meet someone who has all the inner qualities that make for a great partner in life (and for a great parent to your children), then someone who shows signs of integrity, honesty and kindness on a date might in fact get you more than a little hot and bothered …

[1] It’s interesting to know that Saint-Exupéry actually wrote The Little Prince in the United States, while renting The Bevin House in Asharoken, New York, on Long Island. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delamater-Bevin_Mansion

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