What did we all do before Facebook? How did we get through the day not knowing what Jennie ate for breakfast, that she “is” (yes, that’s a profound one) and that some quiz - devised by someone with a fifth grader’s grasp of grammar - has determined that Jennie is most like Rachel from Friends?
No doubt Facebook has changed how we share and receive information in ways that work to our benefit and to our detriment.** Before Facebook, you could send out an email to friends announcing some type of news and chances are this information was staying within the realm of people who knew you and who actually cared. The photos of your last trip to Spain or from your niece’s birthday party were likely not being forwarded on to virtual strangers in mass emails (unless, of course, your trip to Spain was that good). With the advent of Facebook, however, we can all be exhibitionists to the extent we feel the need to be and there are certainly no lack of voyeurs...
This blog, naturally, wishes to concern itself primarily with Facebook’s impact on the dating world. Although, while I have the floor, I would just like to say on behalf of all the non-married people out there to their married friends – yes, we think your two year old looks adorable with a milk mustache, but does that have to be YOUR profile picture?! Ok, moving on…
There’s no question that Facebook’s emergence in our lives over the past few years and the information overload that comes with it has had a significant effect on the interaction among its “single” users. If you think about it, back in the day if you met someone at a bar or a party, chances are it would take several dates before you could gather certain critical information about him or her. Now, you can look someone up on Facebook and obtain a wealth of information in under five minutes. Clearly, with all the information people put at Facebook’s 200 million users’ fingertips, there are bound to be judgments made and dating opportunities lost or gained. If you think that people are not assessing what you choose to write or post, think again (e.g., exactly why is this person becoming a fan of NYC?)
Indeed, sometimes such easily accessed information about an individual can have a surprisingly positive effect on a prospective suitor (i.e., “wow, for such a scenester, Sasha’s status updates are unexpectedly insightful”). While sometimes a little bit of research can have just the opposite effect (i.e., "ok, having read Andrew’s posts quoting Rush Limbaugh, it’s clear he’s a right wing fanatic" ). Likewise, if someone is playing Mafia Wars all day, you have to wonder if he actually has any interest in his job (read: ambition).
Let’s address the assessment of photos, because - let’s face it - when someone sends a friend request, pictures are always the first thing people click on.*** Say you’re a guy who hit on fifteen girls at a charity event last night and now one of them, Jennie, is sending you a friend request. Perhaps you drank a bit too much and, thus, all of the girls in little black dresses now seem to mesh into one. No problem … Jennie’s got pictures of her whole life proudly displayed to refresh your recollection.
After two minutes in the photo gallery, you now know where Jennie went to camp (what a cute kid she was!), what her mother looks like (good genes) and that she’s got some cute friends (if you’re the typical NY guy, you’d probably be wondering if you can hit on them too or would that be wrong?). Pre-Facebook, it might have taken a few dates to see what Jennie looks like in bikini, but now there’s the glamour shot from her last Caribbean sailing trip posted for everyone’s viewing pleasure. Jennie’s got a nice body - friend request accepted. Now you can see where Jennie’s headed to next based on her miniature calendar status, and stalk her (whoops, I mean conveniently also go there).
That’s a glimpse into the positive side of pictures. On the other hand, after seeing a few pictures of another prospective love interest, you may be tempted to click the "ignore" prompt … or at least hit “accept” knowing that this one’s not going anywhere. For example, one guy I know has picture after picture of him consuming beers, partying like a rockstar and looking two sheets to the wind in all of them. He’s in his late 40s and single. Good dating material? Doubtful. Same red flags start waving with the guy whose pictures show him cavorting with girls half his age and groping all of them – unless, of course, you’re looking for that kind of thing.
In fact, it occurred to me the other day that anyone who is engaged in on-line dating should take advantage of Facebook as their backup detective service. That’s where you get the real information. On a purely, superficial note, if you’re a guy fed up with women who post only head shots and who put “petite” as their body type simply because they’re under 5’3”, there is a high probability that if you check on Facebook “JenG73” will have more than enough body shots posted for you to get a true sense of her real physique. Same goes for the women. When “Steve45Esq” is telling you he’s 5’11” and his Facebook profile shows him at a fundraiser standing shoulder to shoulder with Mayor Bloomberg (who’s only 5’8” by the way) you can then assess whether you feel like sharing a mocha latte on Tuesday with someone who’s clearly insecure about his height (and probably lying about his age too).
Of course, you can also get a real sense of what a person’s about reading his or her status updates, looking at his/her friends, reading what people write on this person’s wall, checking out his/her groups and causes ... remember, detective not stalker… God, there’s so much to say on this one, this is just the tip of the iceberg…
* For the non-lawyers out there, the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), passed in 1966, is an act which allows for members of the general public to request and obtain (with restrictions) otherwise undisclosed information about government agencies.
** For those who may not know, Facebook was founded by Mark Zuckerberg in February 2004 (along with fellow computer science major students and Zuckerberg’s roommates Dustin Moskovitz and Chris Hughes) while Zuckerberg was a student at Harvard.
***Of course, there are seemingly endless items to evaluate on the topic of Facebook and what insights a person's profile/status updates convey about him or her but remember this is only "Facebook FOIA Part I." And, of course, there's also Facebook "dating protocol" which I also intend to address in a future blog.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Golden Rule
We’ve all been there … you go on a date, have a decent time but nothing to write home about. The other person, though, somehow felt the sparks that eluded you and is reliably calling/emailing/texting ready to line up round 2. You’re positive there’s no interest and have no intention of going out again and yet, the thought of sharing this simple sentiment with the other part of the equation seems too awkward/burdensome/time consuming a task … so you simply decide to ignore the continued overtures from this person until he/she gets the hint.
Despite New Yorkers’ reputation for being callous individuals with no time to help little old ladies cross the street, we all like to think of ourselves as decent people, with good manners, who treat others well and who, generally, do the “right” thing. Yet, for some reason, when it comes to dating many otherwise stand-up, thoughtful people take the path of least resistance … and, typically, the path of least integrity.
So the question must be asked, what does one owe another after a first date? Anything?? Is it completely acceptable to simply ignore a phone call/text message/email from the person with whom, only two nights prior, you shared stories of your world wide travels, athletic endeavors and career aspirations? Or … is some basic human response (even perfunctory) owed to the person who had the good taste to enjoy your company and is merely trying to see you again.
Of course, it’s easiest not to respond until you simply fade into oblivion in that person's memory. And it’s crystal clear (at least to most sane people) that by not responding to the other party’s communications, you’ve responded.* Indeed, everyone knows that because so many people go this route one won’t really be considered an [insert explicative of choice here] by the rejected party. Many would even argue that pulling the Houdini act is the more charitable course of action - why make someone feel bad with the “you’re a great girl/guy, just not for me” line – it’s so transparent after all. If the person thought you were so great, chances are they’d want to go out again.
But think about the flip side for a moment. The other day a good friend shared a story with me that made me think about the value of common courtesy. A few weeks back my friend asked out a fun, sexy woman he met at a charity event. They finally got together and he had a great time (and was unquestionably attracted to her). His read of the date was that she felt the same way. When he called her to arrange a second date, however, he learned that she was not interested in going out again. As the blond siren explained to my friend, she had a fun time on their date but she had her hands full with an ex and someone else new in the picture. My friend – who has an active dating life - was grateful for the no-nonsense response and moved on. Whether or not what she said was even true is almost besides the point – the fact is that she had the maturity (far more at 25 in fact than many men and women at 45) and decency to answer the phone, have a conversation and politely explain that she was not interested in anything romantic. If you believe in good dating karma, this girl will definitely be reaping its benefits.
For those who may be reading this thinking “why do I need to have a conversation with someone I barely know and went out with once,” I refer you to the title of this blog.** Remind yourself of the instance (there has to have been one) where you were the person whose text/email/call was ignored. Yes, we all survive it and take our lumps but in the end wouldn’t you have preferred a little more respectful treatment? There is much to be gained by asking the simple question – how would I feel if someone pulled this on me?
One can certainly take this question to the next level and ask whether communication is “owed” after every first date under every circumstance. A reader responding to one of my blogs wrote of his belief that a follow-up email/call after a date is always warranted – something along the lines of “I had a nice time with you but I don’t think there’s chemistry.” There are undeniably pros and cons to be said for this approach. Some men and women will appreciate the follow-up and candor. But one also runs the risk of arousing a strong negative reaction … maybe something along the lines of “hey bozo, get over yourself - I wasn’t feeling it either. There’s no need to state the obvious.”
Which brings to mind “The Platinum Rule” which suggests that not everyone has the same tastes and therefore people should “do unto others, whenever possible, as they want to be done by." Oh, this gets complicated …
*Anyone who’s ever tried online dating has likely come across those people who send a mass produced message and tack in at the end “even if you’re not interested, please send me a response letting me know.” You have to imagine that these individuals were clearly crushed by the advent of caller ID.
** The Golden Rule, also known as the ethic of reciprocity, is an ethical code that states one has a right to just treatment (i.e. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Luke 6:31). The Golden Rule was apparently also a common principal in ancient Greek philosophy ("Do not to your neighbor what you would take ill from him." – Pittacus).
Despite New Yorkers’ reputation for being callous individuals with no time to help little old ladies cross the street, we all like to think of ourselves as decent people, with good manners, who treat others well and who, generally, do the “right” thing. Yet, for some reason, when it comes to dating many otherwise stand-up, thoughtful people take the path of least resistance … and, typically, the path of least integrity.
So the question must be asked, what does one owe another after a first date? Anything?? Is it completely acceptable to simply ignore a phone call/text message/email from the person with whom, only two nights prior, you shared stories of your world wide travels, athletic endeavors and career aspirations? Or … is some basic human response (even perfunctory) owed to the person who had the good taste to enjoy your company and is merely trying to see you again.
Of course, it’s easiest not to respond until you simply fade into oblivion in that person's memory. And it’s crystal clear (at least to most sane people) that by not responding to the other party’s communications, you’ve responded.* Indeed, everyone knows that because so many people go this route one won’t really be considered an [insert explicative of choice here] by the rejected party. Many would even argue that pulling the Houdini act is the more charitable course of action - why make someone feel bad with the “you’re a great girl/guy, just not for me” line – it’s so transparent after all. If the person thought you were so great, chances are they’d want to go out again.
But think about the flip side for a moment. The other day a good friend shared a story with me that made me think about the value of common courtesy. A few weeks back my friend asked out a fun, sexy woman he met at a charity event. They finally got together and he had a great time (and was unquestionably attracted to her). His read of the date was that she felt the same way. When he called her to arrange a second date, however, he learned that she was not interested in going out again. As the blond siren explained to my friend, she had a fun time on their date but she had her hands full with an ex and someone else new in the picture. My friend – who has an active dating life - was grateful for the no-nonsense response and moved on. Whether or not what she said was even true is almost besides the point – the fact is that she had the maturity (far more at 25 in fact than many men and women at 45) and decency to answer the phone, have a conversation and politely explain that she was not interested in anything romantic. If you believe in good dating karma, this girl will definitely be reaping its benefits.
For those who may be reading this thinking “why do I need to have a conversation with someone I barely know and went out with once,” I refer you to the title of this blog.** Remind yourself of the instance (there has to have been one) where you were the person whose text/email/call was ignored. Yes, we all survive it and take our lumps but in the end wouldn’t you have preferred a little more respectful treatment? There is much to be gained by asking the simple question – how would I feel if someone pulled this on me?
One can certainly take this question to the next level and ask whether communication is “owed” after every first date under every circumstance. A reader responding to one of my blogs wrote of his belief that a follow-up email/call after a date is always warranted – something along the lines of “I had a nice time with you but I don’t think there’s chemistry.” There are undeniably pros and cons to be said for this approach. Some men and women will appreciate the follow-up and candor. But one also runs the risk of arousing a strong negative reaction … maybe something along the lines of “hey bozo, get over yourself - I wasn’t feeling it either. There’s no need to state the obvious.”
Which brings to mind “The Platinum Rule” which suggests that not everyone has the same tastes and therefore people should “do unto others, whenever possible, as they want to be done by." Oh, this gets complicated …
*Anyone who’s ever tried online dating has likely come across those people who send a mass produced message and tack in at the end “even if you’re not interested, please send me a response letting me know.” You have to imagine that these individuals were clearly crushed by the advent of caller ID.
** The Golden Rule, also known as the ethic of reciprocity, is an ethical code that states one has a right to just treatment (i.e. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Luke 6:31). The Golden Rule was apparently also a common principal in ancient Greek philosophy ("Do not to your neighbor what you would take ill from him." – Pittacus).
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Don't Shoot The Messenger Part II: For The Men
Ok, the much anticipated Part II … Men, know I’m on your side too and trying to help. Please feel free to refer to the title of this blog in any moments of doubt.
I start with a story. When I was a 23 year old law student, I visited my grandmother in South Florida during Winter Break. One day at the beach by myself, I met “Bernie.” Bernie was more than twice my age, with a belly the size of a woman carrying twins and hair that had abandoned his head to make a sizable carpet on his back. I was friendly to Bernie after he struck up a conversation with me (for starters, I was a captive audience and didn’t know how to extricate myself – damn that sugar and spice ... see April 23rd blog). At one point, Bernie mentioned that he was a lawyer and so I was slightly more interested in continuing the conversation (as everyone in law school tells you, network, network, network).
On day two at the beach, there is Bernie again. After chatting with Bernie further about law school, etc., I’m actually looking at Bernie now as my “friend,” Bernie, the lawyer. So when Bernie overtly hit on me on Day 3, I was in utter disbelief. “You have got to be kidding me. Is this guy for real?” were just some of the thoughts that went through my mind as I left the beach in disgust. To me, it was as if I had just been hit on by one of the men at my grandmother’s bingo social. I went back to my grandmother’s condo, interrupted her bridge game and proclaimed something I finally grasped at the tender age of twenty-three: there is no limit to men’s egos … they all think they have a chance! *
In New York, we all see Bernie at the bar - hitting on all the pretty young things and declaring that he’s not interested in dating anyone even remotely close to his own age. He’s hypercritical of women who he doesn’t care to even get to know, critiquing their every physical and personality trait while he is far from the perfect catch. Now, the guys are likely reading this Blog and saying “well this one’s not so bad, after all. It doesn’t even apply to me.” It does.
See, the problem is NO guy sees himself as Bernie at the Beach.
Ok, fine. Maybe the average male in NYC is closer to a “Pete at the Party.” Pete’s not looking to meet a girl half his age – he just wants a minimum of 5 to 8 years younger. Pete doesn’t look pregnant, but he’s definitely not in the great shape he was in college. He still has hair, damn it – though it’s not like it was and, ok, it’s receding quite a bit. Ok, and maybe graying. Oh, and the height issue – we’ll let’s just say height’s not his best selling asset. Men, even if you consider yourself “not bad looking” because you aren’t carrying around the beer belly your buddy Bob has, and you still have a good amount of hair, chances are high that you are the same level in looks as the girl you’re rejecting for being not attractive enough.
But fortunately for the men, most women care far less about a guy’s looks than they do about his ability to provide for the family they hope to have someday. By the way, did I mention that Pete has a decent job at such and such law firm/bank/[fill in the blank] which allows him a “fine” life in the city, but he ain’t making Crain’s 40 under 40 in this lifetime. To create a parallel to last week’s blog, like men, the women of New York also expect the best. You value looks and weight? Well, the women are just as discerning when it comes to the qualities that make them evaluate whether they consider YOU a suitor worthy of their time. We all know very well, this city is full of real estate moguls, private equity investors, and investment bankers with substantial salaries. Gentlemen, even if the numbers on the singles map are in your favor, know that you have some stiff competition. Now, it goes without saying, women value many other qualities in their potential partner besides the ability to provide (among other things, most women are looking for a man with a great sense of humor, who puts on a nice appearance, who is sensitive and thoughtful, etc.) but a man’s success in his career is certainly high up on the list for many worthwhile NYC femmes.
I start with a story. When I was a 23 year old law student, I visited my grandmother in South Florida during Winter Break. One day at the beach by myself, I met “Bernie.” Bernie was more than twice my age, with a belly the size of a woman carrying twins and hair that had abandoned his head to make a sizable carpet on his back. I was friendly to Bernie after he struck up a conversation with me (for starters, I was a captive audience and didn’t know how to extricate myself – damn that sugar and spice ... see April 23rd blog). At one point, Bernie mentioned that he was a lawyer and so I was slightly more interested in continuing the conversation (as everyone in law school tells you, network, network, network).
On day two at the beach, there is Bernie again. After chatting with Bernie further about law school, etc., I’m actually looking at Bernie now as my “friend,” Bernie, the lawyer. So when Bernie overtly hit on me on Day 3, I was in utter disbelief. “You have got to be kidding me. Is this guy for real?” were just some of the thoughts that went through my mind as I left the beach in disgust. To me, it was as if I had just been hit on by one of the men at my grandmother’s bingo social. I went back to my grandmother’s condo, interrupted her bridge game and proclaimed something I finally grasped at the tender age of twenty-three: there is no limit to men’s egos … they all think they have a chance! *
In New York, we all see Bernie at the bar - hitting on all the pretty young things and declaring that he’s not interested in dating anyone even remotely close to his own age. He’s hypercritical of women who he doesn’t care to even get to know, critiquing their every physical and personality trait while he is far from the perfect catch. Now, the guys are likely reading this Blog and saying “well this one’s not so bad, after all. It doesn’t even apply to me.” It does.
See, the problem is NO guy sees himself as Bernie at the Beach.
Ok, fine. Maybe the average male in NYC is closer to a “Pete at the Party.” Pete’s not looking to meet a girl half his age – he just wants a minimum of 5 to 8 years younger. Pete doesn’t look pregnant, but he’s definitely not in the great shape he was in college. He still has hair, damn it – though it’s not like it was and, ok, it’s receding quite a bit. Ok, and maybe graying. Oh, and the height issue – we’ll let’s just say height’s not his best selling asset. Men, even if you consider yourself “not bad looking” because you aren’t carrying around the beer belly your buddy Bob has, and you still have a good amount of hair, chances are high that you are the same level in looks as the girl you’re rejecting for being not attractive enough.
But fortunately for the men, most women care far less about a guy’s looks than they do about his ability to provide for the family they hope to have someday. By the way, did I mention that Pete has a decent job at such and such law firm/bank/[fill in the blank] which allows him a “fine” life in the city, but he ain’t making Crain’s 40 under 40 in this lifetime. To create a parallel to last week’s blog, like men, the women of New York also expect the best. You value looks and weight? Well, the women are just as discerning when it comes to the qualities that make them evaluate whether they consider YOU a suitor worthy of their time. We all know very well, this city is full of real estate moguls, private equity investors, and investment bankers with substantial salaries. Gentlemen, even if the numbers on the singles map are in your favor, know that you have some stiff competition. Now, it goes without saying, women value many other qualities in their potential partner besides the ability to provide (among other things, most women are looking for a man with a great sense of humor, who puts on a nice appearance, who is sensitive and thoughtful, etc.) but a man’s success in his career is certainly high up on the list for many worthwhile NYC femmes.
And once again, before the reader concludes that based upon the candid comments above, this is all about which guy has the most money, let’s be fair to “head-turner.” She doesn’t have to necessarily be driven solely by the prospect of meeting someone with loads of money/prestige/power, though these guys are hitting on her daily. She can hold out for Mr. Uber Successful who is also extremely attractive, smart, funny and nice because that’s who’s also hitting on her and she can get him. And, Lord knows, she’s trying.
That being said, Pete at the Party, who doesn’t necessarily make it to the top of the list in any aesthetic or financial category, is nevertheless fixated on asking out the hottest girl in sight -- the drop dead gorgeous girl every guy at the party is trying to ask out. The “head-turner.”** And because of this, he’s not “wasting” his limited time getting to know the many other wonderful ladies just an arm’s length away. No, he’s set his sights on the stunner by the Sangria.
Some may wonder, why doesn’t Pete hit on the girl he actually has a chance with?*** Because, any man will tell you, they all secretly want to end up with someone they consider slightly “out of their league.” The problem is that these men don’t realize that they’re not in the All Star line up but rather warming the bench in Double A. Triple A would be a step up.
Message to Pete: You’re not getting THAT girl. She’s not interested. Neither is her also hot, but maybe not quite as hot, friend. You're wasting your time and theirs. If you hit on the girl in your own league you’d be much happier and closer to getting want you really want in life.
If Pete spent the next few parties leaving the girls who want nothing to do with him alone, had realistic expectations about who he is going to end up with in life (this is NOT code for settling), and went straight to approaching the woman who is objectively attractive, sweet, smart and fun (but perhaps not the “head-turner”) he’d be in relationship bliss already (men, this is also great game theory. Think John Nash at the bar in a Beautiful Mind http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ywiYboCLk). And isn’t that what Pete’s after anyway?
Pete doesn’t think he’s losing valuable time by not pursuing the girl who would likely to be his most compatible match? I have a bit of interesting information Pete can put in his pipe. Women are not the only ones who have to worry about age affecting their ability to have children (or to have children without genetic problems). I attach https://publicaffairs.llnl.gov/news/news_releases/2006/NR-06-06-01.html for my audience’s reading pleasure and edification.
If Pete were to start hitting on and pursuing the women who could be a real future partner for him, who will stick with him for better or worse, who will be a loving mother to his children, a best friend and someone who will still challenge him intellectually long after either of them can turn any heads – well, then, I’d say he’s getting the MVP.
Oh my, this is just the tip of the iceberg, there’s much more to come on this subject …
*As one friend said, I would love to buy that circus mirror these men have in their houses – you know, the one where you look insanely tall and slim and are far hotter than the model who just graced the cover of Shape Magazine.
** The head-turner, by the way, is not to be dismissed as attractive and nothing else. She is often the woman who is fantastic in a million other ways besides her great looks.
*** To be expected, one male friend has countered, why wouldn’t Pete hit on the girl way out of his league? What does he have to lose? Further expounding the virtues of this theory, my friend concludes if Pete hits on enough of these Major League beauties, at some point he’s bound to get lucky. Legend has it, it’s happened to Pete before. Sure, maybe Pete got the “drop dead gorgeous” girl one night when she drank too much wearing her D&G champagne goggles. Maybe he was the beneficiary of a few dates when “drop dead gorgeous” was frustrated by the guy she really wanted to be dating but who was giving her the run around and so turned to her sycophant to boost her ego. Or maybe Pete “got” her earlier in life before he became what we can now call “Pete at the Party.”
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Don’t Shoot The Messenger Part I: For The Women
Ok, this one’s gonna be personal. It’s a serious one, liable to result in all sorts of hate mail to the Sunday at Noon Blog coming from Anonymous-es everywhere. But I proceed nonetheless because - please know, ladies - this comes from a good place. It comes from the keen understanding that there is a need for someone to say it like it is and get the knowledge out there - because knowledge is power. And don’t worry, my female following, the next blog - “Don’t Shoot the Messenger Part II” - is directed squarely at the men. So here goes.
New York is a city where you can get the best of everything. Travel to pretty much any other city in the world and their best theater seems like your high school summer stock production in comparison to even New York’s off-off Broadway shows. We have the top hospitals here, the top law firms, we shop at the world’s best luxury stores, enjoy the benefit of having the leading stylists and salons in the world. We expect the best service at restaurants and anything less is not tolerated lightly. The point is: we’re spoiled. We expect the best because we can get it.
New York men are no different. They are looking for the girl who’s got it all because they can get it. She’s here in NYC, in spades. Like you, she’s really bright, went to great schools, she’s good at what she does, she’s fun, she has a great sense of humor, she’s sassy, and she is all around a great girl – and on top of all that, she’s gorgeous. You can’t stare at the blond, 5’9” Barbie doll look alike in this city and think smugly, she’s probably a cocktail waitress. Nope. She went to Yale and she’s a vice president at a private equity firm. This girl understands that to get the guy she wants she needs to make it to the gym and cut back on the grande mocha frappucinos.
So, ladies, in a city which sets the bar high, if you need to lose, say 20lbs, you are 20lbs away from getting the guys you want. A few jean sizes away from improving your dating life a hundredfold.
Now, if you are saying to yourself indignantly “I wouldn’t want to be with the guy who isn’t going to date me simply because I need to lose 20 lbs”, you’re wrong. You do. He’s the guy you are going for and he’s not interested. Rather, he is thinking after he meets you “great girl, I’m just not attracted…she’s just a little bigger than I am interested in.” Friendly reminder: the title of this blog is “Don’t Shoot The Messenger.”
Please know, I speak to single men every day about what they are looking for in a partner and I know what I’m talking about. I didn’t create the rules, ladies. But I know them and I am sharing them with you. And if you deny that these are the rules of engagement, you will continue to operate at a disadvantage and not get what you want. This is the reality of New York or the “Big City” we live in. Looks and being in shape carry a high value. If you’re thinking to yourself “it shouldn’t be that way” maybe you’re right. There shouldn’t be poverty or war either but, unfortunately, I tend to believe there always will be.
And no, you can’t chalk it up to the men being shallow. They are men. If they don’t want to sleep with you, it doesn’t matter how much you know about art, opera or sports or that you love X-Men and Family Guy, have traveled all over the world, speak several languages, play tennis or go to weekly wine tastings. If you are outside the realm of slim, these things are wonderful but irrelevant if the guys can’t get past that “do I want to see her naked” threshold. There are some universal truths and this is one of them …
And to be fair to the men, these men are not looking for size zeros or women who could be body doubles for Dancing with the Stars pros (ok, a few might be but that’s not who I’m talking about here). Nor are most men looking to be with the girl who looks like she hasn’t eaten in weeks and desperately needs to be fed. But they are looking for women who are objectively slim. If you’re describing yourself as “average build” in your online profile, the cold hard truth is you’re likely not an average build by New York standards. And even if you are, the vast majority of men are so extraordinarily attuned to the weight issue that I have been told by several men that if you are putting “average build” they will instantly move on to the next profile.
As one male friend bluntly put it: “If I show up on a blind date and the girl is not slim, it’s immediately over for me.” I know it might sound hard to believe, ladies, but this friend is not an [fill in the explicative]. He’s truly a good guy and he’s looking for something real. He’s just articulating what most other guys are in fact thinking.* Anyone familiar with on-line dating knows the lay of the land – most of the profiles written by the men that are in decent shape are very specific that they want a women in good shape and fit.** In fact, they’re adamant about it to a point you can tell they have encountered too many women who have simply not been honest about their body type (ah yes, the problem with on-line dating. And the men post pictures from when they had hair).
Ok, still thinking that these men of whom I write are shallow? Let’s think about many women’s criteria for a minute. Most women that I interview want to meet a guy who, among other things, is successful and has a good job. They want to meet someone who is financially secure and who is going to be able to provide for the family she hopes to have someday (yes, even if she does well herself). So, if you met a guy who explained on your first date that he was living with his parents, had a dead end job and had a ton of credit card debt would you be so keen on going on a second date with him? Doubtful. Even if this guy had a heart of gold. Does this make you a materialistic, shallow woman looking for a sugar daddy? We all know the answer to that one … (guys, if you’re reading this, it’s “no”).
What eludes most women who stick by the “someone should just love me exactly as I am” mentality is that they in fact have serious competition in this city. There are thousands more single women here than there are men.*** And these women are wonderful and offer the whole package (too bad many of the men in NY are not adept at appreciating them). As I stated at the beginning of this blog, knowledge is power. Feeling powerful and in charge tastes far better than flourless chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream ever could (though, that does sound pretty darn good…).
Summer is around the corner and it’s almost bathing suit time. Make yourself and your fitness a priority the next few weeks and boy you’re gonna draw all the eligible suitors you can handle!
Ok, next the men …
*Unfortunately, it doesn’t help to reason, “well I’m ok with the guy who needs to lose a few pounds too” as he is also holding out for the slim girl. Because he can.
**Men want to be with women who are well put together, live a healthy lifestyle and take pride in their appearance. As my same jerk/non-jerk friend articulated, sure, when men are just looking to have sex, they will hook up with women who don’t meet their physical criteria. But when they’re considering who’s going to be their lifelong partner, it’s a totally different ballgame.
*** Can’t say whether it’s 10 single women to every singe guy, but New York is certainly a mecca for the ambitious, single women. Check out this relatively recent article from the New York Observer -- http://www.observer.com/2008/straight-women-new-york-citys-mating-market-worst-country.
New York is a city where you can get the best of everything. Travel to pretty much any other city in the world and their best theater seems like your high school summer stock production in comparison to even New York’s off-off Broadway shows. We have the top hospitals here, the top law firms, we shop at the world’s best luxury stores, enjoy the benefit of having the leading stylists and salons in the world. We expect the best service at restaurants and anything less is not tolerated lightly. The point is: we’re spoiled. We expect the best because we can get it.
New York men are no different. They are looking for the girl who’s got it all because they can get it. She’s here in NYC, in spades. Like you, she’s really bright, went to great schools, she’s good at what she does, she’s fun, she has a great sense of humor, she’s sassy, and she is all around a great girl – and on top of all that, she’s gorgeous. You can’t stare at the blond, 5’9” Barbie doll look alike in this city and think smugly, she’s probably a cocktail waitress. Nope. She went to Yale and she’s a vice president at a private equity firm. This girl understands that to get the guy she wants she needs to make it to the gym and cut back on the grande mocha frappucinos.
So, ladies, in a city which sets the bar high, if you need to lose, say 20lbs, you are 20lbs away from getting the guys you want. A few jean sizes away from improving your dating life a hundredfold.
Now, if you are saying to yourself indignantly “I wouldn’t want to be with the guy who isn’t going to date me simply because I need to lose 20 lbs”, you’re wrong. You do. He’s the guy you are going for and he’s not interested. Rather, he is thinking after he meets you “great girl, I’m just not attracted…she’s just a little bigger than I am interested in.” Friendly reminder: the title of this blog is “Don’t Shoot The Messenger.”
Please know, I speak to single men every day about what they are looking for in a partner and I know what I’m talking about. I didn’t create the rules, ladies. But I know them and I am sharing them with you. And if you deny that these are the rules of engagement, you will continue to operate at a disadvantage and not get what you want. This is the reality of New York or the “Big City” we live in. Looks and being in shape carry a high value. If you’re thinking to yourself “it shouldn’t be that way” maybe you’re right. There shouldn’t be poverty or war either but, unfortunately, I tend to believe there always will be.
And no, you can’t chalk it up to the men being shallow. They are men. If they don’t want to sleep with you, it doesn’t matter how much you know about art, opera or sports or that you love X-Men and Family Guy, have traveled all over the world, speak several languages, play tennis or go to weekly wine tastings. If you are outside the realm of slim, these things are wonderful but irrelevant if the guys can’t get past that “do I want to see her naked” threshold. There are some universal truths and this is one of them …
And to be fair to the men, these men are not looking for size zeros or women who could be body doubles for Dancing with the Stars pros (ok, a few might be but that’s not who I’m talking about here). Nor are most men looking to be with the girl who looks like she hasn’t eaten in weeks and desperately needs to be fed. But they are looking for women who are objectively slim. If you’re describing yourself as “average build” in your online profile, the cold hard truth is you’re likely not an average build by New York standards. And even if you are, the vast majority of men are so extraordinarily attuned to the weight issue that I have been told by several men that if you are putting “average build” they will instantly move on to the next profile.
As one male friend bluntly put it: “If I show up on a blind date and the girl is not slim, it’s immediately over for me.” I know it might sound hard to believe, ladies, but this friend is not an [fill in the explicative]. He’s truly a good guy and he’s looking for something real. He’s just articulating what most other guys are in fact thinking.* Anyone familiar with on-line dating knows the lay of the land – most of the profiles written by the men that are in decent shape are very specific that they want a women in good shape and fit.** In fact, they’re adamant about it to a point you can tell they have encountered too many women who have simply not been honest about their body type (ah yes, the problem with on-line dating. And the men post pictures from when they had hair).
Ok, still thinking that these men of whom I write are shallow? Let’s think about many women’s criteria for a minute. Most women that I interview want to meet a guy who, among other things, is successful and has a good job. They want to meet someone who is financially secure and who is going to be able to provide for the family she hopes to have someday (yes, even if she does well herself). So, if you met a guy who explained on your first date that he was living with his parents, had a dead end job and had a ton of credit card debt would you be so keen on going on a second date with him? Doubtful. Even if this guy had a heart of gold. Does this make you a materialistic, shallow woman looking for a sugar daddy? We all know the answer to that one … (guys, if you’re reading this, it’s “no”).
What eludes most women who stick by the “someone should just love me exactly as I am” mentality is that they in fact have serious competition in this city. There are thousands more single women here than there are men.*** And these women are wonderful and offer the whole package (too bad many of the men in NY are not adept at appreciating them). As I stated at the beginning of this blog, knowledge is power. Feeling powerful and in charge tastes far better than flourless chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream ever could (though, that does sound pretty darn good…).
Summer is around the corner and it’s almost bathing suit time. Make yourself and your fitness a priority the next few weeks and boy you’re gonna draw all the eligible suitors you can handle!
Ok, next the men …
*Unfortunately, it doesn’t help to reason, “well I’m ok with the guy who needs to lose a few pounds too” as he is also holding out for the slim girl. Because he can.
**Men want to be with women who are well put together, live a healthy lifestyle and take pride in their appearance. As my same jerk/non-jerk friend articulated, sure, when men are just looking to have sex, they will hook up with women who don’t meet their physical criteria. But when they’re considering who’s going to be their lifelong partner, it’s a totally different ballgame.
*** Can’t say whether it’s 10 single women to every singe guy, but New York is certainly a mecca for the ambitious, single women. Check out this relatively recent article from the New York Observer -- http://www.observer.com/2008/straight-women-new-york-citys-mating-market-worst-country.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sugar and Spice and All Things TOO Nice?
When we were children we learned that boys were made of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails, while little girls, on the other hand, were made of sugar and spice and everything nice (i.e. all the good things too numerous to mention – probably flowers and sunshine and rainbows and unicorns’ horns).*
Thus, little girls everywhere knew that they had been mixed just perfectly to be sweet and sometimes a little sassy (hence the spice) but still always nice. Thus, when little Suzie and Jane were playing with their dolls and throwing tea parties and Suzie all of sudden had a bout of spoiled child syndrome, refusing to share her teapot, someone’s mom would rush over reprimanding: “Now Suzie, look how you just made Jane cry - be nice and share your teapot!” Suzie would grudgingly comply and that would be that. Meanwhile, in the next room, Davie and Bobby are playing with GI Joe and bashing each other’s brains out.
So when a man addressing a now grown, sexy, sassy Suzanne tries to grasp why she is always smiling when she sees him, possibly throwing in a big hug too, laughing at his jokes, but failing to return his calls, he needs to understand that he is confusing seeming interest with an extra tablespoon of molasses.
Recently, a friend of mine (let’s call him “Rob”) sought my guidance. He explained that he had called "Suzanne" last week and never heard back from her. When he saw her out the other night among mutual friends, she seemed thrilled to see him and spoke to him in a way that – to him – conveyed romantic interest. “I think I should call her one more time” he throws out there. My response: “Absolutely not. You’ve called her, she knows your number and she didn’t call, text or email back – she’s not interested.” “Well, then why doesn’t she just say to me with a big smile, I think you’re great but I’m just not interested.” (The smile is very important in this delivery. Said in a matter of fact manner and there is a solid chance of severe ego damage) Believe it on not, Rob is truly bewildered by why Suzanne can’t just come out and make this statement.**
Yes, why doesn’t she just say “Rob, you seem like a good guy, you’re not bad looking, you’re obviously pretty bright, but I have zero desire to go out with you. You do nothing for me and I would never sleep with you.”
“But Rob, she is saying it. She’s saying it by not calling you back” is my no-nonsense response. When a woman is interested her problem is typically calling back too soon, cancelling plans with her friends to be available when the guy offers last minute tickets to a show, etc. It is rarely the case where she is that interested but has mastered the art of being too coy. There really should be a “She’s Just Not That Into You” movie that could explain to guys, just because a woman is friendly, just because she smiles when she’s talking to you, just because she talks to you, it doesn’t mean she wants to go out with you. Probably, it means that she is remembering the scene with the teapot and is trying to be nice and spare your feelings.
The truth is, Rob is not alone in asking this question. Another male friend suggested to me a few years back, why can’t you just tell a guy nicely, “thanks, but I’m really not interested.” Even among the more outspoken and forthright of us, it’s awkward for women to be so direct and seemingly “mean/bitchy/not nice.” And honestly, do you see guys embodying the diplomatic frankness they apparently seem to desire from women?
So this is today’s question: Men, would you rather women just say, straight up in the middle of a conversation, “Joe, you seem nice, but I’m not interested” or would you rather they sweetly blow you off? Not that there’s any guarantee that even knowing your collective preference women will be able to accommodate - the kitten’s whiskers in them may simply not let them …
*For the curious, this well known nursery rhyme, “What Are Little Boys Made Of” (which was published around 1820 and attributed to the English poet Rober Southey) is part of a larger work called “What Are Folks Made Of.” Apparently, mothers are made of “ribbons and laces and sweet pretty faces” while fathers are made of “pipes and smoke and collars choke”. You can find the full rhyme at http://www.delamar.org/mgs-long_folksmadeof.html. I would like to know what lawyers are made of (briefs and motions and self-aggrandizing notions?) Bankers, anyone?
** Deborah Tannen provided a pretty good analysis of how men and women are socialized to use language differently in the book “You Just Don’t Understand." It’s an oldie but a goodie.
Thus, little girls everywhere knew that they had been mixed just perfectly to be sweet and sometimes a little sassy (hence the spice) but still always nice. Thus, when little Suzie and Jane were playing with their dolls and throwing tea parties and Suzie all of sudden had a bout of spoiled child syndrome, refusing to share her teapot, someone’s mom would rush over reprimanding: “Now Suzie, look how you just made Jane cry - be nice and share your teapot!” Suzie would grudgingly comply and that would be that. Meanwhile, in the next room, Davie and Bobby are playing with GI Joe and bashing each other’s brains out.
So when a man addressing a now grown, sexy, sassy Suzanne tries to grasp why she is always smiling when she sees him, possibly throwing in a big hug too, laughing at his jokes, but failing to return his calls, he needs to understand that he is confusing seeming interest with an extra tablespoon of molasses.
Recently, a friend of mine (let’s call him “Rob”) sought my guidance. He explained that he had called "Suzanne" last week and never heard back from her. When he saw her out the other night among mutual friends, she seemed thrilled to see him and spoke to him in a way that – to him – conveyed romantic interest. “I think I should call her one more time” he throws out there. My response: “Absolutely not. You’ve called her, she knows your number and she didn’t call, text or email back – she’s not interested.” “Well, then why doesn’t she just say to me with a big smile, I think you’re great but I’m just not interested.” (The smile is very important in this delivery. Said in a matter of fact manner and there is a solid chance of severe ego damage) Believe it on not, Rob is truly bewildered by why Suzanne can’t just come out and make this statement.**
Yes, why doesn’t she just say “Rob, you seem like a good guy, you’re not bad looking, you’re obviously pretty bright, but I have zero desire to go out with you. You do nothing for me and I would never sleep with you.”
“But Rob, she is saying it. She’s saying it by not calling you back” is my no-nonsense response. When a woman is interested her problem is typically calling back too soon, cancelling plans with her friends to be available when the guy offers last minute tickets to a show, etc. It is rarely the case where she is that interested but has mastered the art of being too coy. There really should be a “She’s Just Not That Into You” movie that could explain to guys, just because a woman is friendly, just because she smiles when she’s talking to you, just because she talks to you, it doesn’t mean she wants to go out with you. Probably, it means that she is remembering the scene with the teapot and is trying to be nice and spare your feelings.
The truth is, Rob is not alone in asking this question. Another male friend suggested to me a few years back, why can’t you just tell a guy nicely, “thanks, but I’m really not interested.” Even among the more outspoken and forthright of us, it’s awkward for women to be so direct and seemingly “mean/bitchy/not nice.” And honestly, do you see guys embodying the diplomatic frankness they apparently seem to desire from women?
So this is today’s question: Men, would you rather women just say, straight up in the middle of a conversation, “Joe, you seem nice, but I’m not interested” or would you rather they sweetly blow you off? Not that there’s any guarantee that even knowing your collective preference women will be able to accommodate - the kitten’s whiskers in them may simply not let them …
*For the curious, this well known nursery rhyme, “What Are Little Boys Made Of” (which was published around 1820 and attributed to the English poet Rober Southey) is part of a larger work called “What Are Folks Made Of.” Apparently, mothers are made of “ribbons and laces and sweet pretty faces” while fathers are made of “pipes and smoke and collars choke”. You can find the full rhyme at http://www.delamar.org/mgs-long_folksmadeof.html. I would like to know what lawyers are made of (briefs and motions and self-aggrandizing notions?) Bankers, anyone?
** Deborah Tannen provided a pretty good analysis of how men and women are socialized to use language differently in the book “You Just Don’t Understand." It’s an oldie but a goodie.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Too Many Menus?
Manhattanites take it for granted that any desire or need they have can be easily met at any time, any day of the week. Hungry? Are you in the mood for Italian, Mexican, Turkish, Lebanese, Vegan …? Oh, you’re craving Asian? Why didn’t you say? Here are a few delivery menus for Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, and, of course, a few pan Asian. Japanese, it is? Do you want to go with Fusha, Sushi Hana, Monster Sushi…? Oh, you want to go out instead…?!
It’s a wonder anyone ever makes any decisions in this city!
In the dating world, it’s not surprising that such an embarrassment of riches has both a positive and deleterious effect on single New Yorkers who are looking for the “real thing” (or so they think) in a city of overwhelming options. On the positive side, you have far more choices than if you were stuck in suburbia with the mommy and me crowd and married folk whose weekend activities include mowing the lawn and cleaning out the garage. On the down side, the abundance of choices can lead to a syndrome of indecision and option-weighing that can continue ad nauseum.
Indeed, anyone with minimal dating experience in New York knows that any guy or girl you meet at a bar, party, charity event, clinic (just making sure you’re paying attention!) etc. can also be easily juggling several Janes or Joes. Thus, even if this new object of your affection may be likewise intrigued by you, it doesn’t necessarily translate into her cancelling her full roster of dates that week or refraining from planning more the following week (men have always been great at playing the field, but New York women have become a quick study).
Now, some would posit that having a full menu of choices at one time is essential in making the right decision for a potential partner. The argument goes something like this: “I’m not getting any younger. I can’t waste valuable time being exclusive with someone until I really know this person and am absolutely sure this is someone I could spend my life with.” What might have been wonderful, immediately exclusive girlfriend material at 25 is no longer cutting it at 35. By dating a few people at once, these multi-taskers rationalize that they are in the best position to make a fully informed decision about who they want to spend the next 50+ years of their lives with. When you think about it, is the reasoning so unsound?*
Another somewhat obvious benefit of dating several people at once is that you tend not to get fixated on one person. This is especially important for women. When you have a long line of suitors, one’s threshold for bad behavior gets inversely lower. Indeed, “Tim’s” last minute invitations are no longer so easily accepted because “Dan” is more than willing to bring you to his ski/beach/country house next weekend.
Has anyone ever walked into Dylan’s Candy Shop and walked out empty handed because you were simply overwhelmed? I admit to experiencing such paralysis at being besieged by candy of every sugary color and shape (coupled with walking in not knowing precisely what I was in the mood for). Knowing that Dylan’s is soundly at the corner of Third and 60th gives one the peace of mind that you can choose nothing, but the next time you have a craving you can always go back and satisfy your every sweet tooth need.
This calls to mind my friend “Suzy” who has been going out with a few different guys over the past few months. Suzy called me recently, curious to know what I thought about one of her men du jour who I happen to know. During the course of our conversation, she described the benefits of Jason (very bright, handsome and interesting) but also his drawbacks (not that spontaneous, not that funny, a little pretentious). Now Phil, she explained, is also really cute and funny, spontaneous, creative and … totally unreliable. And then there’s this new guy, Andrew. Unlike, Phil, Andrew has a great job, great family and he is great to her … thing is, he’s just not that great in bed. But “will that really matter in the long run?” she asks with the slight hint of the answer in her voice.
When there are so many people in the mix, it is easy to start comparing one person you are dating to the other person you just has sushi with instead of comparing that person to the standard of the “One” you are truly looking for. “Amy has all of 'this', and I love 'this.' But Jennie has all of 'that' and I really like 'that.' But Amanda has a rockin’ body. If I could only find an Amy/Jennie/Amanda hybrid. She has to be out there! Who knows, maybe this new girl Brooke I am going out with Friday with be the perfect mix of Amy/Jennie/Amanda?!” Of course, we all know that Brooke is just Brooke with her own chart of pros and cons, and Joe’s going to be leaving hungry ...
*Of course, if the other person is not also multi-tasking and not aware of your multi-tasking, there are inherent dangers in proceeding in such a fashion. This will be addressed in a future blog whose title may be something to the affect of “Casanova or Creep? But We Didn’t Have THAT Conversation.”
It’s a wonder anyone ever makes any decisions in this city!
In the dating world, it’s not surprising that such an embarrassment of riches has both a positive and deleterious effect on single New Yorkers who are looking for the “real thing” (or so they think) in a city of overwhelming options. On the positive side, you have far more choices than if you were stuck in suburbia with the mommy and me crowd and married folk whose weekend activities include mowing the lawn and cleaning out the garage. On the down side, the abundance of choices can lead to a syndrome of indecision and option-weighing that can continue ad nauseum.
Indeed, anyone with minimal dating experience in New York knows that any guy or girl you meet at a bar, party, charity event, clinic (just making sure you’re paying attention!) etc. can also be easily juggling several Janes or Joes. Thus, even if this new object of your affection may be likewise intrigued by you, it doesn’t necessarily translate into her cancelling her full roster of dates that week or refraining from planning more the following week (men have always been great at playing the field, but New York women have become a quick study).
Now, some would posit that having a full menu of choices at one time is essential in making the right decision for a potential partner. The argument goes something like this: “I’m not getting any younger. I can’t waste valuable time being exclusive with someone until I really know this person and am absolutely sure this is someone I could spend my life with.” What might have been wonderful, immediately exclusive girlfriend material at 25 is no longer cutting it at 35. By dating a few people at once, these multi-taskers rationalize that they are in the best position to make a fully informed decision about who they want to spend the next 50+ years of their lives with. When you think about it, is the reasoning so unsound?*
Another somewhat obvious benefit of dating several people at once is that you tend not to get fixated on one person. This is especially important for women. When you have a long line of suitors, one’s threshold for bad behavior gets inversely lower. Indeed, “Tim’s” last minute invitations are no longer so easily accepted because “Dan” is more than willing to bring you to his ski/beach/country house next weekend.
Has anyone ever walked into Dylan’s Candy Shop and walked out empty handed because you were simply overwhelmed? I admit to experiencing such paralysis at being besieged by candy of every sugary color and shape (coupled with walking in not knowing precisely what I was in the mood for). Knowing that Dylan’s is soundly at the corner of Third and 60th gives one the peace of mind that you can choose nothing, but the next time you have a craving you can always go back and satisfy your every sweet tooth need.
This calls to mind my friend “Suzy” who has been going out with a few different guys over the past few months. Suzy called me recently, curious to know what I thought about one of her men du jour who I happen to know. During the course of our conversation, she described the benefits of Jason (very bright, handsome and interesting) but also his drawbacks (not that spontaneous, not that funny, a little pretentious). Now Phil, she explained, is also really cute and funny, spontaneous, creative and … totally unreliable. And then there’s this new guy, Andrew. Unlike, Phil, Andrew has a great job, great family and he is great to her … thing is, he’s just not that great in bed. But “will that really matter in the long run?” she asks with the slight hint of the answer in her voice.
When there are so many people in the mix, it is easy to start comparing one person you are dating to the other person you just has sushi with instead of comparing that person to the standard of the “One” you are truly looking for. “Amy has all of 'this', and I love 'this.' But Jennie has all of 'that' and I really like 'that.' But Amanda has a rockin’ body. If I could only find an Amy/Jennie/Amanda hybrid. She has to be out there! Who knows, maybe this new girl Brooke I am going out with Friday with be the perfect mix of Amy/Jennie/Amanda?!” Of course, we all know that Brooke is just Brooke with her own chart of pros and cons, and Joe’s going to be leaving hungry ...
*Of course, if the other person is not also multi-tasking and not aware of your multi-tasking, there are inherent dangers in proceeding in such a fashion. This will be addressed in a future blog whose title may be something to the affect of “Casanova or Creep? But We Didn’t Have THAT Conversation.”
Sunday, April 5, 2009
First Date Cherry Zinger Euphoria! Expires Two Weeks From Today
Everyone loves that feeling you get when you leave a really good first date – there’s a little extra energy in your step, a twinkle in your eye, a goofiness in your smile perhaps and the sneaking thought “this one’s got potential.” If it was exceptionally good, you might even be struck by that urge to shout it out to the people you pass on the street “FYI, I just had a great date. No, really, a GREAT date! This one’s hot, fun, smart and, as far as I can tell, seemingly normal.” Ok, you might refrain from sharing this earth shattering news with indifferent strangers but perhaps your doorman George will get an earful. If someone could just figure out how to bottle this euphoric feeling, the waiting list for the iPhone last year would seem like child’s play in comparison.
But what happens in the ensuing days can buttress that feeling of being in seventh heaven* or it can leave one feeling like he or she just stalled 10 feet from the finish line. Yes, my friends, in today’s blog we are talking about Momentum.
Remember the scene from the movie "Swingers" when Vince Vaughn et al. try to convince Jon Favreau’s character that he should wait the requisite three days before contacting the sexy woman he met at the bar who was seemingly interested in him … or was it four days? As we all recall, the loveable nonplayer embodied in Jon Favreau’s character ultimately decided to ditch the advice of his all-knowing “playa” friends when he met the lovely Heather Graham and he made The Call the next day. The reaction of his stunning swing partner on the other end of the phone left the audience clapping internally at the prospect that Mikey had arrived.
Now, I understand that the above movie scene involved the question of contacting someone after just meeting him/her as opposed to having actually gone on a “date” - but in my view the same theory of momentum applies. I imagine that everyone is familiar with a phenomena that can occur where one can walk away from a really enjoyable date (whether it be the first, second or third)* and due to lack of momentum it can easily be the last. As I wrote in a previous blog, yes, one must be wary of a relationship that takes off like a harrier jet – that’s likely too much momentum which will oft lead to a crash and burn scenario. But one also runs the counter risk of being the tortoise that does not win the race.
We all know New Yorkers are busy people. There are always calls to make, errands to run, things to do, people to see, places to be seen. And when you’re slammed at work, it certainly can get the best of you. It’s plausible, I suppose, to see how one can leave a good first date and for whatever reason, wait a few days to follow up. More likely, though, in that scenario the interest is superficial at best (yes, the lesson repetitively drilled into female brains from “He’s Just Not That Into You” should be flashing in neon lights). Most men when they are really interested are present the next day in some form (text, email, call … yes, some men even still send flowers).
But let’s go a step further and contemplate the scenario where there is a real interest on both ends and there is the next day “checking in” call/text to say “hi –just seeing how you’re doing.” Without the next date being planned in the foreseeable future, both the guy and girl still run the real risk of losing the connection that was so tangible just days ago. Indeed, the ideal scenario is to set up the next date at the end of the current one … that shows real interest and the awareness that you if you like this person, chances are so does someone else …
Let’s address a New York reality: in Manhattan everyone – even your average Joe or Jane - can be a playa. If you wait too long between communications or dates, chances are your latest “like” interest has had another pretty good date (or at least hook up) in the interim. The only logical conclusion that can be drawn by one’s leaving things to chance is that he/she is really not that interested. We’re all familiar with the expression “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Which never fails to bring to my mind the competing expression “out of sight, out of mind.” So, pray tell, which is it?
Recently, I heard someone repeat the quote “You can blow out a candle, but you can't blow out a fire. Once the flame begins to catch, the wind will blow it higher.” My internet research tells me that Peter Gabriel can take credit for this bit of wisdom. Is the moral of the story that one should just recognize when something's simply “a candle” (or is it possible that you can actually turn your candle into a flame if you hire an arsonist?) As men typically set the pace, at least in the beginning, there really should be a warning label on the love potion: Delay Drinking At Your Own Peril (insert skull and crossbones here). Men, when you call or email a woman after too much time has passed and she’s blasé she’s really thinking “Buddy, your time’s over. You’ve expired.” Drink anyone?
*For the curious, the term “seventh heaven” can be traced to the Jewish and Islamic faiths. The Jewish religion recognized seven heavens, the highest of which was the abode of God. In Islam, the seventh heaven is a place of “divine light and pure ecstasy” (the division of the heavens apparently finding its roots in Babylonian astronomical theories).
**To be clear, I am addressing an amazing date experienced by both sides. This is not to be confused with the amazing date experienced by one side and the mildly satisfying evening passed by the other.
But what happens in the ensuing days can buttress that feeling of being in seventh heaven* or it can leave one feeling like he or she just stalled 10 feet from the finish line. Yes, my friends, in today’s blog we are talking about Momentum.
Remember the scene from the movie "Swingers" when Vince Vaughn et al. try to convince Jon Favreau’s character that he should wait the requisite three days before contacting the sexy woman he met at the bar who was seemingly interested in him … or was it four days? As we all recall, the loveable nonplayer embodied in Jon Favreau’s character ultimately decided to ditch the advice of his all-knowing “playa” friends when he met the lovely Heather Graham and he made The Call the next day. The reaction of his stunning swing partner on the other end of the phone left the audience clapping internally at the prospect that Mikey had arrived.
Now, I understand that the above movie scene involved the question of contacting someone after just meeting him/her as opposed to having actually gone on a “date” - but in my view the same theory of momentum applies. I imagine that everyone is familiar with a phenomena that can occur where one can walk away from a really enjoyable date (whether it be the first, second or third)* and due to lack of momentum it can easily be the last. As I wrote in a previous blog, yes, one must be wary of a relationship that takes off like a harrier jet – that’s likely too much momentum which will oft lead to a crash and burn scenario. But one also runs the counter risk of being the tortoise that does not win the race.
We all know New Yorkers are busy people. There are always calls to make, errands to run, things to do, people to see, places to be seen. And when you’re slammed at work, it certainly can get the best of you. It’s plausible, I suppose, to see how one can leave a good first date and for whatever reason, wait a few days to follow up. More likely, though, in that scenario the interest is superficial at best (yes, the lesson repetitively drilled into female brains from “He’s Just Not That Into You” should be flashing in neon lights). Most men when they are really interested are present the next day in some form (text, email, call … yes, some men even still send flowers).
But let’s go a step further and contemplate the scenario where there is a real interest on both ends and there is the next day “checking in” call/text to say “hi –just seeing how you’re doing.” Without the next date being planned in the foreseeable future, both the guy and girl still run the real risk of losing the connection that was so tangible just days ago. Indeed, the ideal scenario is to set up the next date at the end of the current one … that shows real interest and the awareness that you if you like this person, chances are so does someone else …
Let’s address a New York reality: in Manhattan everyone – even your average Joe or Jane - can be a playa. If you wait too long between communications or dates, chances are your latest “like” interest has had another pretty good date (or at least hook up) in the interim. The only logical conclusion that can be drawn by one’s leaving things to chance is that he/she is really not that interested. We’re all familiar with the expression “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Which never fails to bring to my mind the competing expression “out of sight, out of mind.” So, pray tell, which is it?
Recently, I heard someone repeat the quote “You can blow out a candle, but you can't blow out a fire. Once the flame begins to catch, the wind will blow it higher.” My internet research tells me that Peter Gabriel can take credit for this bit of wisdom. Is the moral of the story that one should just recognize when something's simply “a candle” (or is it possible that you can actually turn your candle into a flame if you hire an arsonist?) As men typically set the pace, at least in the beginning, there really should be a warning label on the love potion: Delay Drinking At Your Own Peril (insert skull and crossbones here). Men, when you call or email a woman after too much time has passed and she’s blasé she’s really thinking “Buddy, your time’s over. You’ve expired.” Drink anyone?
*For the curious, the term “seventh heaven” can be traced to the Jewish and Islamic faiths. The Jewish religion recognized seven heavens, the highest of which was the abode of God. In Islam, the seventh heaven is a place of “divine light and pure ecstasy” (the division of the heavens apparently finding its roots in Babylonian astronomical theories).
**To be clear, I am addressing an amazing date experienced by both sides. This is not to be confused with the amazing date experienced by one side and the mildly satisfying evening passed by the other.
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