Recently I witnessed an interesting phenomenon. It involved a guy who, surrounded by attractive, dolled-up, perfectly coiffed women, chose the one woman who, though neatly put together, was the most casually attired in the group. When asked about his selection, he responded that all the other women seemed to be trying too hard. “You know …” he said, “hair and make-up too perfect, too much cleavage … too much effort.”
This comment got me thinking and soon enough I was recalling an instance in my life where I was forced to go out to a trendy party straight from work without what I thought was the appropriate attire. I was wearing my most boring lawyer-like pants suit and had no time to get myself freshly done up. Trying to transform from “motion mode” to “martini mode” in the bar, I lost the jacket, rolled up my sleeves and wore my best accessory - a smile - as many PYTs in skimpy black dresses sashayed around me. To my surprise, I had no lack of suitors that night, one even telling me that it was appealing to him how casually dressed I was. The thing was, I stood out in my casualness and sent a message that stated in essence, “I don’t need to get decked out to impress someone. I’m ok in my own skin.”
Ok, I know what you (the women especially) are going to say -- “You just told me that I should prepare for a date like an interview, and now you’re saying I shouldn’t try too hard when out about town! How is a hapless dater supposed to know when trying ‘just enough’ suddenly morphs into trying too hard?!”
Fair question. But like everything in life, it is an awareness of your circumstances and surroundings that should guide you to the right conclusions. For instance, dress that is appropriate on a Saturday night at Soho House is without doubt going to look ridiculously over the top on a Monday night at your book club. I’m sure some readers are thinking: “I don’t need to read the Sunday at Noon blog to know that – tell me something I don’t know…” Unfortunately, I don’t know all of my readers personally, but the woman I met last Tuesday in the black dress sporting three inches of cleavage at an East Village party for a friend’s recent book launch clearly missed the memo. And she’s not alone…
Examples of women trying too hard are everywhere. Take the women who wear a ton of makeup to the gym with the apparent desire to attract a man, but who fail to realize that what they are really doing is sending a red flag to men -- whose thought process is inevitably going to the question of whether the stunner on the Stairmaster is going to look like Cruella deVille the morning after. Newsflash to women (ok, too many news flashes?): most men prefer less makeup than more. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying to go to your 6am spin class totally au natural, but a light lipstick color, a light mascara and you’ll trick the guys into thinking this is exactly how you look when you roll out of bed (they’re easily fooled). Just kidding guys. The point is men will notice the overall naturally pretty look without thinking or wondering how many levels of foundation it took to get there.
And then take the women who can be found throughout the city wearing tops showing serious cleavage at 3pm in the afternoon. I sat across from one such woman over afternoon coffee recently and listened to her lament her single status and her unpleasant encounters with prurient men. With her best interests at heart, I advised her that if she really wanted to meet the right kind of guy, she might want to hold off on the peep show. Now, a shirt like the one she was sporting might not convey anything other than sexy fun on a Saturday night out in the Hamptons, but in the middle of the afternoon in Manhattan it frankly reeks of desperation.
Make it no bones about it*, I’m all for using your assets – my motto is “if you got it, flaunt it” - whatever “it” is. Got great legs? By all means – under the right circumstances - wear a miniskirt that would make the 80s proud. Perfect tush? Sure, wear tight jeans that hug every curve (just make sure you have your Cosabellas on). Men want to go for, and be with, a woman who is put together, feminine and sexy. But it’s one thing to look nice and it’s another to look over the top. Most men are not interested in (at least for more than a few hours) meeting the woman who has clearly gone to great lengths to attract the guy. Why is it a turn-off? It shows desperation, a lack of self-confidence, a need to go out and find a man (rather than having the man find you) and on some level it implies that you are not a happy individual, a complete individual, until the knight in shining armor has come into your life.
So when it comes to the date attire, it’s a delicate balance. Of course, you want to adopt and implement the “interview approach” and wear something that makes a good first impression (i.e. something stylish, flirty and subtly sexy) but you also want to convey an air of ease. An outfit that conveys “I like you and am excited to see you, but I didn’t spend five hours getting ready for you.” Ok, you maybe you did spend five hours getting ready (between planning the outfit in your head, talking about it with your friends, maybe even shopping for it), but the point is not to look that way. It kind of reminds me of that old commercial telling people it’s ok to be stressed or nervous but “Never let them see you sweat.”
*As my loyal following’s intellectual curiosity may cause them to wonder about the origins of this expression, I once again delved into our language’s rich past for answers. Although some sources state that because it is such an ancient phrase, the phrase’s origins cannot be accurately traced, several sources indicate that the expression was used as early as 1459 to refer to someone not making a fuss if bones turned up in his or her soup or stew. See http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/make-no-bones-about.html.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
You’re Hired – Part II
Ok, Part I is out of the way. We’ve gotten past the basics and you’ve made yourself an exemplary exhibit of pre-date preparation (trimmed nose hairs, ironed shirt, manicured nails, etc.). The real heart of this “laissez-faire” dating vs. “interview approach” debate now is over whether there should be strategy used in going to the date, i.e. thought-out choice of topics, subtle self promotion, well-planned time management, etc.
As previously discussed, there are men and women who fashion themselves “practical” people and yet they believe in this notion that you can step into a date and say anything that comes into your mind and it should be fine (I myself will admit to having done the aforementioned in the past – it is not a good idea). These romantics (though they would never see themselves that way) posit “why should you monitor yourself? why should you be so calculating in choice of topics and answers?” This is who YOU are after all.
But is there really virtue in complete transparency at such an early stage of the dating ritual? Let’s revisit the “interview approach” ...
We all know that one cardinal rule of interviewing is that you NEVER bad mouth your prior employer. Even the dullest of light bulbs out there knows that this is not a great idea if you are expecting to get hired.
So, why is it that when it comes to dating, some otherwise bright light bulbs think it’s totally appropriate to air one’s dirty laundry to a stranger – ok – maybe by the time the smelly socks are on the table you’ve spent 2 or 3 hours together. However, this person is still a virtual stranger who doesn’t know you well enough to find your quirks, insecurities, and flaws loveable – or, at least, excusable.
At the risk of sounding too “self-helpish,", a few examples can be thrown out to debunk the “laissez faire” theory. Here goes…
Spin City
Let's think about one discussing his or her prior dating life like discussing a resume. If a prospective employer scanned your Work Experience painstakingly described in your CV and asked “how did you enjoy working at Smith and Smith LLP?,” would you respond:
“It sucked, that’s why I left.”
“I swear to God, my boss was such an *%!$#* and we butted heads all the time.”
“I slept with my supervisor and then things just got awkward…”
Obviously not.
We are back to the basic interview rule about putting a positive spin on a job you hated (i.e. “it was a great job, but after a while I felt I was ready to do a different type of work.”). We all know that after 2 years in an office where you are highly regarded you can then reveal to your now boss/friend that you in fact hated your prior employer – at this point, he or she knows you and appreciates that you are a solid worker who is good at what you do – you see, your current employer knows you well enough to see that it was clearly your old employer’s issue.
So why would an otherwise sexy, savvy vixen proceed to explain to her eager suitor how her ex hurt her to such an extent that she now has serious trust issues (read: baggage). Why would someone advertise on a first date that she was cheated on by her ex (possibly prompting someone to wonder why did this ex stray)? Why would you tell the sweet woman across the table that your ex girlfriend of five years was a shallow gold digger (prompting one to wonder what makes you a person who would be attracted to such an unlikable soul).
Years ago, I politely asked someone I was on a date with about his divorce. That was it – a whole can of worms poured out into my gnocchi with pomodoro sauce. Forty-five minutes later, we were onto another topic and I was thoroughly turned off (it didn’t help that he repeatedly mentioned how much money he was forced to give her throughout the conversation -- in a precise dollar amount. Another news flash to men: to the right girl, talking about how much money you have on a first date is not a turn on. It betrays major insecurity.
Brought to its essence a date boils down to the fact that the person across the table is judging you on limited information in a limited timeframe. When you think about it in interview lingo, what information do you want to get across? Is it the fact that you hate your ex or that you go to the Met regularly and have even taken a few drawing classes yourself?
TMI?
Ok, I raise one more example re: that age old ridiculous interview question …
“What is your biggest weakness?”
Possible answers:
“I am lazy. I really don’t like to work that much.”
“Everyone I work with usually hates me – I tend to be an arrogant jackass.”
“I’m not very good at what I do.”
I thinkest not. You come up with some benign answer that we all know is b.s. (“I can sometimes be too detail oriented”) but which shows that you’ve duly prepared for being asked this question and move on. Standard interview protocol.
So why do hopeful daters reveal to their equally hopefully counterparts their true “weaknesses” about which they are terribly insecure. Prime example, women disclosing on first dates that they need to lose weight – finally, men, a news flash for the women: discussing your insecurities about your body on your first date is a major turn off. Men like confident women. Ladies, telling your date how all of the other bridesmaids in your best friend’s wedding party are sizes 2s and 4s and you’re a size 6 - not gonna get you hired. That’s talk you save for drinks with your girlfriends. Think of a guy telling you he got a crappy bonus at work and his dog hates him – uh, check please.
You’re Hired Part III?
As previously discussed, there are men and women who fashion themselves “practical” people and yet they believe in this notion that you can step into a date and say anything that comes into your mind and it should be fine (I myself will admit to having done the aforementioned in the past – it is not a good idea). These romantics (though they would never see themselves that way) posit “why should you monitor yourself? why should you be so calculating in choice of topics and answers?” This is who YOU are after all.
But is there really virtue in complete transparency at such an early stage of the dating ritual? Let’s revisit the “interview approach” ...
We all know that one cardinal rule of interviewing is that you NEVER bad mouth your prior employer. Even the dullest of light bulbs out there knows that this is not a great idea if you are expecting to get hired.
So, why is it that when it comes to dating, some otherwise bright light bulbs think it’s totally appropriate to air one’s dirty laundry to a stranger – ok – maybe by the time the smelly socks are on the table you’ve spent 2 or 3 hours together. However, this person is still a virtual stranger who doesn’t know you well enough to find your quirks, insecurities, and flaws loveable – or, at least, excusable.
At the risk of sounding too “self-helpish,", a few examples can be thrown out to debunk the “laissez faire” theory. Here goes…
Spin City
Let's think about one discussing his or her prior dating life like discussing a resume. If a prospective employer scanned your Work Experience painstakingly described in your CV and asked “how did you enjoy working at Smith and Smith LLP?,” would you respond:
“It sucked, that’s why I left.”
“I swear to God, my boss was such an *%!$#* and we butted heads all the time.”
“I slept with my supervisor and then things just got awkward…”
Obviously not.
We are back to the basic interview rule about putting a positive spin on a job you hated (i.e. “it was a great job, but after a while I felt I was ready to do a different type of work.”). We all know that after 2 years in an office where you are highly regarded you can then reveal to your now boss/friend that you in fact hated your prior employer – at this point, he or she knows you and appreciates that you are a solid worker who is good at what you do – you see, your current employer knows you well enough to see that it was clearly your old employer’s issue.
So why would an otherwise sexy, savvy vixen proceed to explain to her eager suitor how her ex hurt her to such an extent that she now has serious trust issues (read: baggage). Why would someone advertise on a first date that she was cheated on by her ex (possibly prompting someone to wonder why did this ex stray)? Why would you tell the sweet woman across the table that your ex girlfriend of five years was a shallow gold digger (prompting one to wonder what makes you a person who would be attracted to such an unlikable soul).
Years ago, I politely asked someone I was on a date with about his divorce. That was it – a whole can of worms poured out into my gnocchi with pomodoro sauce. Forty-five minutes later, we were onto another topic and I was thoroughly turned off (it didn’t help that he repeatedly mentioned how much money he was forced to give her throughout the conversation -- in a precise dollar amount. Another news flash to men: to the right girl, talking about how much money you have on a first date is not a turn on. It betrays major insecurity.
Brought to its essence a date boils down to the fact that the person across the table is judging you on limited information in a limited timeframe. When you think about it in interview lingo, what information do you want to get across? Is it the fact that you hate your ex or that you go to the Met regularly and have even taken a few drawing classes yourself?
TMI?
Ok, I raise one more example re: that age old ridiculous interview question …
“What is your biggest weakness?”
Possible answers:
“I am lazy. I really don’t like to work that much.”
“Everyone I work with usually hates me – I tend to be an arrogant jackass.”
“I’m not very good at what I do.”
I thinkest not. You come up with some benign answer that we all know is b.s. (“I can sometimes be too detail oriented”) but which shows that you’ve duly prepared for being asked this question and move on. Standard interview protocol.
So why do hopeful daters reveal to their equally hopefully counterparts their true “weaknesses” about which they are terribly insecure. Prime example, women disclosing on first dates that they need to lose weight – finally, men, a news flash for the women: discussing your insecurities about your body on your first date is a major turn off. Men like confident women. Ladies, telling your date how all of the other bridesmaids in your best friend’s wedding party are sizes 2s and 4s and you’re a size 6 - not gonna get you hired. That’s talk you save for drinks with your girlfriends. Think of a guy telling you he got a crappy bonus at work and his dog hates him – uh, check please.
You’re Hired Part III?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
You’re Hired! Part I
Recently I was enjoying coffee with some friends when the conversation turned to dating (no surprise there!) In this round table Saturday morning discussion, I made the analogy of dating being like interviewing and remarked that most people could benefit from looking at it in this light, i.e. preparing for a date with the intention of making the best first impression possible and utilizing the hour/two hour time slot often allocated to a blind date to – subtly – let people know what makes you interesting and why you’re a good catch.
Quickly, the table divided itself into two schools of thought. One school of thought I have termed the “laissez faire” approach to dating which essentially represents the mindset that one should just be one’s self on a date with no effort to “self-promote” or hone one’s “dating skills.” The other I will call the “interview approach”, the implications of which my savvy readers can clearly divine.
As you can imagine, those in the “laissez faire” camp had much to say:
“People should just be themselves...”
“Eventually the real you has to come out so why not start with date one…”
“When it’s right, it’s right and you shouldn’t have to be strategic with people. You should talk about and do whatever comes naturally...”
and so on...
However, before you, dear Reader, shake your head too vigorously in agreement with the above, please pause for a moment and imagine a situation where you are unemployed and have a promising job interview.
If you really wanted the job, no doubt you would pick out your best interview suit the night before, no? You would make sure you got to bed early (no boozing) and triple check your alarm. You would leave plenty of time to get to your hopeful future employer’s office a few minutes early. And before you entered the office you might even look in the elevator mirror to make sure there are no poppy seeds stuck in your teeth from the roll you inhaled on the sidewalk.
And that’s just the half of it. Ok, you’re immaculately coiffed and on time. You don’t then just sit back with your arms crossed, feet up on the Senior VP’s desk and say “No need to do this interview-thing – trust me, I’m good. You can just give me the job right now.”
Clearly not … rather, you tune into your best self, smile confidently and let that person across the desk know – without seeming arrogant or salesperson like – why you’re the right person for the job. This is an absolutely required part of the process because this partner, vp, supervisor, etc. doesn’t know you at all and ... as you are well aware ... there are other qualified people competing for the position.
Maybe you’re thinking “but this is dating, this is potential LOVE, these things can’t be equated to a sterile interview setting.” Ok, if you walk out of the date proclaiming that references are available upon request, you’ve taken the analogy a bit too far - it is the general “interview” mindset that I am promoting.
As we are only on Part I of "You’re Hired!," I will start with just a few examples of poor “pre-interview” preparation. Let’s start with men showing up to a date in a wrinkled shirt which makes them look like they just rolled out of bed. These men wouldn’t wear a stained tie to an interview but for some reason they have no problem looking like a schlub on a date for brunch or coffee. News flash to men: while women are forgiving on a lot of fronts, they do like to feel that you are excited about your date. Being dressed well for your date makes women feel special. And, men, if that’s not reason enough to don your best and take two minutes to iron, you should know that women REALLY appreciate men who know how to dress (read: chances are you will do far better at the end of the night).
Rhetorical question: Would you announce to your prospective employer “God, I’m so hung over – was out partying until 3am – hey, can your assistant get me some more coffee?” Of course not. And yet there are clueless guys - yes, it’s usually the men – telling women on dates precisely that. For starters, if the man actually cares about making a good impression upon the woman he's meeting the next morning (yes, I'm referring to brunches here), he makes sure to get to bed at a decent hour. But even if he couldn’t bring himself to depart early from the festivities the night before, announcing his hangover sends a very clear message about not being qualified for the job (partyer, alcoholic, player…) No call back for this one.
And the tidbit I mentioned regarding stopping to take a quick look in the elevator mirror before the interview to make sure there are no unsavory items left in your teeth? Well, that applies to dates too. I have had one person report back to me that her date had that oh so awful icky white stuff around the corners of his mouth (where does that come from anyway?) Undeniably, not a good impression to make.
And while on the topic of basic hygiene, I have to announce to the public at large – I have seen single men and women with nose hair protruding so badly I want to take out a scissor and pass it across the bar and whisper imploringly “trim that, please – you would do so much better!”
Let’s consider punctuality now. Just think for a minute about how you would feel if you were running late for an interview for the job of your dreams – you would beat yourself up recognizing that your chances of getting the job are going down exponentially with every minute you are late (unless of course you can claim some major calamity on the subway which will likely save your sorry late behind). Even the tardiest among us makes it a point to be on time for a job interview. People would be well served to apply that same critical emphasis on punctuality to the dating arena as a good number of people consider lateness the height of rudeness and being late is likely to create an immediately bad first impression. Though, I hate to say that there is still a double standard in play here – women can be slightly fashionably late but a guy who shows up late to a date – points lost from the onset (of course, they can be made up in other ways...)
A lesson from Dating 101: someone who’s on time, nicely dressed, groomed well, rested and shows up with a smile on his or her face conveys that he or she is serious and excited to meet the other person. No doubt a good start to a process that can have so many other challenges.
And I haven’t even gotten to the actual substance of the “interview”… much to say in Part II!
Quickly, the table divided itself into two schools of thought. One school of thought I have termed the “laissez faire” approach to dating which essentially represents the mindset that one should just be one’s self on a date with no effort to “self-promote” or hone one’s “dating skills.” The other I will call the “interview approach”, the implications of which my savvy readers can clearly divine.
As you can imagine, those in the “laissez faire” camp had much to say:
“People should just be themselves...”
“Eventually the real you has to come out so why not start with date one…”
“When it’s right, it’s right and you shouldn’t have to be strategic with people. You should talk about and do whatever comes naturally...”
and so on...
However, before you, dear Reader, shake your head too vigorously in agreement with the above, please pause for a moment and imagine a situation where you are unemployed and have a promising job interview.
If you really wanted the job, no doubt you would pick out your best interview suit the night before, no? You would make sure you got to bed early (no boozing) and triple check your alarm. You would leave plenty of time to get to your hopeful future employer’s office a few minutes early. And before you entered the office you might even look in the elevator mirror to make sure there are no poppy seeds stuck in your teeth from the roll you inhaled on the sidewalk.
And that’s just the half of it. Ok, you’re immaculately coiffed and on time. You don’t then just sit back with your arms crossed, feet up on the Senior VP’s desk and say “No need to do this interview-thing – trust me, I’m good. You can just give me the job right now.”
Clearly not … rather, you tune into your best self, smile confidently and let that person across the desk know – without seeming arrogant or salesperson like – why you’re the right person for the job. This is an absolutely required part of the process because this partner, vp, supervisor, etc. doesn’t know you at all and ... as you are well aware ... there are other qualified people competing for the position.
Maybe you’re thinking “but this is dating, this is potential LOVE, these things can’t be equated to a sterile interview setting.” Ok, if you walk out of the date proclaiming that references are available upon request, you’ve taken the analogy a bit too far - it is the general “interview” mindset that I am promoting.
As we are only on Part I of "You’re Hired!," I will start with just a few examples of poor “pre-interview” preparation. Let’s start with men showing up to a date in a wrinkled shirt which makes them look like they just rolled out of bed. These men wouldn’t wear a stained tie to an interview but for some reason they have no problem looking like a schlub on a date for brunch or coffee. News flash to men: while women are forgiving on a lot of fronts, they do like to feel that you are excited about your date. Being dressed well for your date makes women feel special. And, men, if that’s not reason enough to don your best and take two minutes to iron, you should know that women REALLY appreciate men who know how to dress (read: chances are you will do far better at the end of the night).
Rhetorical question: Would you announce to your prospective employer “God, I’m so hung over – was out partying until 3am – hey, can your assistant get me some more coffee?” Of course not. And yet there are clueless guys - yes, it’s usually the men – telling women on dates precisely that. For starters, if the man actually cares about making a good impression upon the woman he's meeting the next morning (yes, I'm referring to brunches here), he makes sure to get to bed at a decent hour. But even if he couldn’t bring himself to depart early from the festivities the night before, announcing his hangover sends a very clear message about not being qualified for the job (partyer, alcoholic, player…) No call back for this one.
And the tidbit I mentioned regarding stopping to take a quick look in the elevator mirror before the interview to make sure there are no unsavory items left in your teeth? Well, that applies to dates too. I have had one person report back to me that her date had that oh so awful icky white stuff around the corners of his mouth (where does that come from anyway?) Undeniably, not a good impression to make.
And while on the topic of basic hygiene, I have to announce to the public at large – I have seen single men and women with nose hair protruding so badly I want to take out a scissor and pass it across the bar and whisper imploringly “trim that, please – you would do so much better!”
Let’s consider punctuality now. Just think for a minute about how you would feel if you were running late for an interview for the job of your dreams – you would beat yourself up recognizing that your chances of getting the job are going down exponentially with every minute you are late (unless of course you can claim some major calamity on the subway which will likely save your sorry late behind). Even the tardiest among us makes it a point to be on time for a job interview. People would be well served to apply that same critical emphasis on punctuality to the dating arena as a good number of people consider lateness the height of rudeness and being late is likely to create an immediately bad first impression. Though, I hate to say that there is still a double standard in play here – women can be slightly fashionably late but a guy who shows up late to a date – points lost from the onset (of course, they can be made up in other ways...)
A lesson from Dating 101: someone who’s on time, nicely dressed, groomed well, rested and shows up with a smile on his or her face conveys that he or she is serious and excited to meet the other person. No doubt a good start to a process that can have so many other challenges.
And I haven’t even gotten to the actual substance of the “interview”… much to say in Part II!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Facebook FOIA* Part I
What did we all do before Facebook? How did we get through the day not knowing what Jennie ate for breakfast, that she “is” (yes, that’s a profound one) and that some quiz - devised by someone with a fifth grader’s grasp of grammar - has determined that Jennie is most like Rachel from Friends?
No doubt Facebook has changed how we share and receive information in ways that work to our benefit and to our detriment.** Before Facebook, you could send out an email to friends announcing some type of news and chances are this information was staying within the realm of people who knew you and who actually cared. The photos of your last trip to Spain or from your niece’s birthday party were likely not being forwarded on to virtual strangers in mass emails (unless, of course, your trip to Spain was that good). With the advent of Facebook, however, we can all be exhibitionists to the extent we feel the need to be and there are certainly no lack of voyeurs...
This blog, naturally, wishes to concern itself primarily with Facebook’s impact on the dating world. Although, while I have the floor, I would just like to say on behalf of all the non-married people out there to their married friends – yes, we think your two year old looks adorable with a milk mustache, but does that have to be YOUR profile picture?! Ok, moving on…
There’s no question that Facebook’s emergence in our lives over the past few years and the information overload that comes with it has had a significant effect on the interaction among its “single” users. If you think about it, back in the day if you met someone at a bar or a party, chances are it would take several dates before you could gather certain critical information about him or her. Now, you can look someone up on Facebook and obtain a wealth of information in under five minutes. Clearly, with all the information people put at Facebook’s 200 million users’ fingertips, there are bound to be judgments made and dating opportunities lost or gained. If you think that people are not assessing what you choose to write or post, think again (e.g., exactly why is this person becoming a fan of NYC?)
Indeed, sometimes such easily accessed information about an individual can have a surprisingly positive effect on a prospective suitor (i.e., “wow, for such a scenester, Sasha’s status updates are unexpectedly insightful”). While sometimes a little bit of research can have just the opposite effect (i.e., "ok, having read Andrew’s posts quoting Rush Limbaugh, it’s clear he’s a right wing fanatic" ). Likewise, if someone is playing Mafia Wars all day, you have to wonder if he actually has any interest in his job (read: ambition).
Let’s address the assessment of photos, because - let’s face it - when someone sends a friend request, pictures are always the first thing people click on.*** Say you’re a guy who hit on fifteen girls at a charity event last night and now one of them, Jennie, is sending you a friend request. Perhaps you drank a bit too much and, thus, all of the girls in little black dresses now seem to mesh into one. No problem … Jennie’s got pictures of her whole life proudly displayed to refresh your recollection.
After two minutes in the photo gallery, you now know where Jennie went to camp (what a cute kid she was!), what her mother looks like (good genes) and that she’s got some cute friends (if you’re the typical NY guy, you’d probably be wondering if you can hit on them too or would that be wrong?). Pre-Facebook, it might have taken a few dates to see what Jennie looks like in bikini, but now there’s the glamour shot from her last Caribbean sailing trip posted for everyone’s viewing pleasure. Jennie’s got a nice body - friend request accepted. Now you can see where Jennie’s headed to next based on her miniature calendar status, and stalk her (whoops, I mean conveniently also go there).
That’s a glimpse into the positive side of pictures. On the other hand, after seeing a few pictures of another prospective love interest, you may be tempted to click the "ignore" prompt … or at least hit “accept” knowing that this one’s not going anywhere. For example, one guy I know has picture after picture of him consuming beers, partying like a rockstar and looking two sheets to the wind in all of them. He’s in his late 40s and single. Good dating material? Doubtful. Same red flags start waving with the guy whose pictures show him cavorting with girls half his age and groping all of them – unless, of course, you’re looking for that kind of thing.
In fact, it occurred to me the other day that anyone who is engaged in on-line dating should take advantage of Facebook as their backup detective service. That’s where you get the real information. On a purely, superficial note, if you’re a guy fed up with women who post only head shots and who put “petite” as their body type simply because they’re under 5’3”, there is a high probability that if you check on Facebook “JenG73” will have more than enough body shots posted for you to get a true sense of her real physique. Same goes for the women. When “Steve45Esq” is telling you he’s 5’11” and his Facebook profile shows him at a fundraiser standing shoulder to shoulder with Mayor Bloomberg (who’s only 5’8” by the way) you can then assess whether you feel like sharing a mocha latte on Tuesday with someone who’s clearly insecure about his height (and probably lying about his age too).
Of course, you can also get a real sense of what a person’s about reading his or her status updates, looking at his/her friends, reading what people write on this person’s wall, checking out his/her groups and causes ... remember, detective not stalker… God, there’s so much to say on this one, this is just the tip of the iceberg…
* For the non-lawyers out there, the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), passed in 1966, is an act which allows for members of the general public to request and obtain (with restrictions) otherwise undisclosed information about government agencies.
** For those who may not know, Facebook was founded by Mark Zuckerberg in February 2004 (along with fellow computer science major students and Zuckerberg’s roommates Dustin Moskovitz and Chris Hughes) while Zuckerberg was a student at Harvard.
***Of course, there are seemingly endless items to evaluate on the topic of Facebook and what insights a person's profile/status updates convey about him or her but remember this is only "Facebook FOIA Part I." And, of course, there's also Facebook "dating protocol" which I also intend to address in a future blog.
No doubt Facebook has changed how we share and receive information in ways that work to our benefit and to our detriment.** Before Facebook, you could send out an email to friends announcing some type of news and chances are this information was staying within the realm of people who knew you and who actually cared. The photos of your last trip to Spain or from your niece’s birthday party were likely not being forwarded on to virtual strangers in mass emails (unless, of course, your trip to Spain was that good). With the advent of Facebook, however, we can all be exhibitionists to the extent we feel the need to be and there are certainly no lack of voyeurs...
This blog, naturally, wishes to concern itself primarily with Facebook’s impact on the dating world. Although, while I have the floor, I would just like to say on behalf of all the non-married people out there to their married friends – yes, we think your two year old looks adorable with a milk mustache, but does that have to be YOUR profile picture?! Ok, moving on…
There’s no question that Facebook’s emergence in our lives over the past few years and the information overload that comes with it has had a significant effect on the interaction among its “single” users. If you think about it, back in the day if you met someone at a bar or a party, chances are it would take several dates before you could gather certain critical information about him or her. Now, you can look someone up on Facebook and obtain a wealth of information in under five minutes. Clearly, with all the information people put at Facebook’s 200 million users’ fingertips, there are bound to be judgments made and dating opportunities lost or gained. If you think that people are not assessing what you choose to write or post, think again (e.g., exactly why is this person becoming a fan of NYC?)
Indeed, sometimes such easily accessed information about an individual can have a surprisingly positive effect on a prospective suitor (i.e., “wow, for such a scenester, Sasha’s status updates are unexpectedly insightful”). While sometimes a little bit of research can have just the opposite effect (i.e., "ok, having read Andrew’s posts quoting Rush Limbaugh, it’s clear he’s a right wing fanatic" ). Likewise, if someone is playing Mafia Wars all day, you have to wonder if he actually has any interest in his job (read: ambition).
Let’s address the assessment of photos, because - let’s face it - when someone sends a friend request, pictures are always the first thing people click on.*** Say you’re a guy who hit on fifteen girls at a charity event last night and now one of them, Jennie, is sending you a friend request. Perhaps you drank a bit too much and, thus, all of the girls in little black dresses now seem to mesh into one. No problem … Jennie’s got pictures of her whole life proudly displayed to refresh your recollection.
After two minutes in the photo gallery, you now know where Jennie went to camp (what a cute kid she was!), what her mother looks like (good genes) and that she’s got some cute friends (if you’re the typical NY guy, you’d probably be wondering if you can hit on them too or would that be wrong?). Pre-Facebook, it might have taken a few dates to see what Jennie looks like in bikini, but now there’s the glamour shot from her last Caribbean sailing trip posted for everyone’s viewing pleasure. Jennie’s got a nice body - friend request accepted. Now you can see where Jennie’s headed to next based on her miniature calendar status, and stalk her (whoops, I mean conveniently also go there).
That’s a glimpse into the positive side of pictures. On the other hand, after seeing a few pictures of another prospective love interest, you may be tempted to click the "ignore" prompt … or at least hit “accept” knowing that this one’s not going anywhere. For example, one guy I know has picture after picture of him consuming beers, partying like a rockstar and looking two sheets to the wind in all of them. He’s in his late 40s and single. Good dating material? Doubtful. Same red flags start waving with the guy whose pictures show him cavorting with girls half his age and groping all of them – unless, of course, you’re looking for that kind of thing.
In fact, it occurred to me the other day that anyone who is engaged in on-line dating should take advantage of Facebook as their backup detective service. That’s where you get the real information. On a purely, superficial note, if you’re a guy fed up with women who post only head shots and who put “petite” as their body type simply because they’re under 5’3”, there is a high probability that if you check on Facebook “JenG73” will have more than enough body shots posted for you to get a true sense of her real physique. Same goes for the women. When “Steve45Esq” is telling you he’s 5’11” and his Facebook profile shows him at a fundraiser standing shoulder to shoulder with Mayor Bloomberg (who’s only 5’8” by the way) you can then assess whether you feel like sharing a mocha latte on Tuesday with someone who’s clearly insecure about his height (and probably lying about his age too).
Of course, you can also get a real sense of what a person’s about reading his or her status updates, looking at his/her friends, reading what people write on this person’s wall, checking out his/her groups and causes ... remember, detective not stalker… God, there’s so much to say on this one, this is just the tip of the iceberg…
* For the non-lawyers out there, the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), passed in 1966, is an act which allows for members of the general public to request and obtain (with restrictions) otherwise undisclosed information about government agencies.
** For those who may not know, Facebook was founded by Mark Zuckerberg in February 2004 (along with fellow computer science major students and Zuckerberg’s roommates Dustin Moskovitz and Chris Hughes) while Zuckerberg was a student at Harvard.
***Of course, there are seemingly endless items to evaluate on the topic of Facebook and what insights a person's profile/status updates convey about him or her but remember this is only "Facebook FOIA Part I." And, of course, there's also Facebook "dating protocol" which I also intend to address in a future blog.
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Golden Rule
We’ve all been there … you go on a date, have a decent time but nothing to write home about. The other person, though, somehow felt the sparks that eluded you and is reliably calling/emailing/texting ready to line up round 2. You’re positive there’s no interest and have no intention of going out again and yet, the thought of sharing this simple sentiment with the other part of the equation seems too awkward/burdensome/time consuming a task … so you simply decide to ignore the continued overtures from this person until he/she gets the hint.
Despite New Yorkers’ reputation for being callous individuals with no time to help little old ladies cross the street, we all like to think of ourselves as decent people, with good manners, who treat others well and who, generally, do the “right” thing. Yet, for some reason, when it comes to dating many otherwise stand-up, thoughtful people take the path of least resistance … and, typically, the path of least integrity.
So the question must be asked, what does one owe another after a first date? Anything?? Is it completely acceptable to simply ignore a phone call/text message/email from the person with whom, only two nights prior, you shared stories of your world wide travels, athletic endeavors and career aspirations? Or … is some basic human response (even perfunctory) owed to the person who had the good taste to enjoy your company and is merely trying to see you again.
Of course, it’s easiest not to respond until you simply fade into oblivion in that person's memory. And it’s crystal clear (at least to most sane people) that by not responding to the other party’s communications, you’ve responded.* Indeed, everyone knows that because so many people go this route one won’t really be considered an [insert explicative of choice here] by the rejected party. Many would even argue that pulling the Houdini act is the more charitable course of action - why make someone feel bad with the “you’re a great girl/guy, just not for me” line – it’s so transparent after all. If the person thought you were so great, chances are they’d want to go out again.
But think about the flip side for a moment. The other day a good friend shared a story with me that made me think about the value of common courtesy. A few weeks back my friend asked out a fun, sexy woman he met at a charity event. They finally got together and he had a great time (and was unquestionably attracted to her). His read of the date was that she felt the same way. When he called her to arrange a second date, however, he learned that she was not interested in going out again. As the blond siren explained to my friend, she had a fun time on their date but she had her hands full with an ex and someone else new in the picture. My friend – who has an active dating life - was grateful for the no-nonsense response and moved on. Whether or not what she said was even true is almost besides the point – the fact is that she had the maturity (far more at 25 in fact than many men and women at 45) and decency to answer the phone, have a conversation and politely explain that she was not interested in anything romantic. If you believe in good dating karma, this girl will definitely be reaping its benefits.
For those who may be reading this thinking “why do I need to have a conversation with someone I barely know and went out with once,” I refer you to the title of this blog.** Remind yourself of the instance (there has to have been one) where you were the person whose text/email/call was ignored. Yes, we all survive it and take our lumps but in the end wouldn’t you have preferred a little more respectful treatment? There is much to be gained by asking the simple question – how would I feel if someone pulled this on me?
One can certainly take this question to the next level and ask whether communication is “owed” after every first date under every circumstance. A reader responding to one of my blogs wrote of his belief that a follow-up email/call after a date is always warranted – something along the lines of “I had a nice time with you but I don’t think there’s chemistry.” There are undeniably pros and cons to be said for this approach. Some men and women will appreciate the follow-up and candor. But one also runs the risk of arousing a strong negative reaction … maybe something along the lines of “hey bozo, get over yourself - I wasn’t feeling it either. There’s no need to state the obvious.”
Which brings to mind “The Platinum Rule” which suggests that not everyone has the same tastes and therefore people should “do unto others, whenever possible, as they want to be done by." Oh, this gets complicated …
*Anyone who’s ever tried online dating has likely come across those people who send a mass produced message and tack in at the end “even if you’re not interested, please send me a response letting me know.” You have to imagine that these individuals were clearly crushed by the advent of caller ID.
** The Golden Rule, also known as the ethic of reciprocity, is an ethical code that states one has a right to just treatment (i.e. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Luke 6:31). The Golden Rule was apparently also a common principal in ancient Greek philosophy ("Do not to your neighbor what you would take ill from him." – Pittacus).
Despite New Yorkers’ reputation for being callous individuals with no time to help little old ladies cross the street, we all like to think of ourselves as decent people, with good manners, who treat others well and who, generally, do the “right” thing. Yet, for some reason, when it comes to dating many otherwise stand-up, thoughtful people take the path of least resistance … and, typically, the path of least integrity.
So the question must be asked, what does one owe another after a first date? Anything?? Is it completely acceptable to simply ignore a phone call/text message/email from the person with whom, only two nights prior, you shared stories of your world wide travels, athletic endeavors and career aspirations? Or … is some basic human response (even perfunctory) owed to the person who had the good taste to enjoy your company and is merely trying to see you again.
Of course, it’s easiest not to respond until you simply fade into oblivion in that person's memory. And it’s crystal clear (at least to most sane people) that by not responding to the other party’s communications, you’ve responded.* Indeed, everyone knows that because so many people go this route one won’t really be considered an [insert explicative of choice here] by the rejected party. Many would even argue that pulling the Houdini act is the more charitable course of action - why make someone feel bad with the “you’re a great girl/guy, just not for me” line – it’s so transparent after all. If the person thought you were so great, chances are they’d want to go out again.
But think about the flip side for a moment. The other day a good friend shared a story with me that made me think about the value of common courtesy. A few weeks back my friend asked out a fun, sexy woman he met at a charity event. They finally got together and he had a great time (and was unquestionably attracted to her). His read of the date was that she felt the same way. When he called her to arrange a second date, however, he learned that she was not interested in going out again. As the blond siren explained to my friend, she had a fun time on their date but she had her hands full with an ex and someone else new in the picture. My friend – who has an active dating life - was grateful for the no-nonsense response and moved on. Whether or not what she said was even true is almost besides the point – the fact is that she had the maturity (far more at 25 in fact than many men and women at 45) and decency to answer the phone, have a conversation and politely explain that she was not interested in anything romantic. If you believe in good dating karma, this girl will definitely be reaping its benefits.
For those who may be reading this thinking “why do I need to have a conversation with someone I barely know and went out with once,” I refer you to the title of this blog.** Remind yourself of the instance (there has to have been one) where you were the person whose text/email/call was ignored. Yes, we all survive it and take our lumps but in the end wouldn’t you have preferred a little more respectful treatment? There is much to be gained by asking the simple question – how would I feel if someone pulled this on me?
One can certainly take this question to the next level and ask whether communication is “owed” after every first date under every circumstance. A reader responding to one of my blogs wrote of his belief that a follow-up email/call after a date is always warranted – something along the lines of “I had a nice time with you but I don’t think there’s chemistry.” There are undeniably pros and cons to be said for this approach. Some men and women will appreciate the follow-up and candor. But one also runs the risk of arousing a strong negative reaction … maybe something along the lines of “hey bozo, get over yourself - I wasn’t feeling it either. There’s no need to state the obvious.”
Which brings to mind “The Platinum Rule” which suggests that not everyone has the same tastes and therefore people should “do unto others, whenever possible, as they want to be done by." Oh, this gets complicated …
*Anyone who’s ever tried online dating has likely come across those people who send a mass produced message and tack in at the end “even if you’re not interested, please send me a response letting me know.” You have to imagine that these individuals were clearly crushed by the advent of caller ID.
** The Golden Rule, also known as the ethic of reciprocity, is an ethical code that states one has a right to just treatment (i.e. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Luke 6:31). The Golden Rule was apparently also a common principal in ancient Greek philosophy ("Do not to your neighbor what you would take ill from him." – Pittacus).
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Don't Shoot The Messenger Part II: For The Men
Ok, the much anticipated Part II … Men, know I’m on your side too and trying to help. Please feel free to refer to the title of this blog in any moments of doubt.
I start with a story. When I was a 23 year old law student, I visited my grandmother in South Florida during Winter Break. One day at the beach by myself, I met “Bernie.” Bernie was more than twice my age, with a belly the size of a woman carrying twins and hair that had abandoned his head to make a sizable carpet on his back. I was friendly to Bernie after he struck up a conversation with me (for starters, I was a captive audience and didn’t know how to extricate myself – damn that sugar and spice ... see April 23rd blog). At one point, Bernie mentioned that he was a lawyer and so I was slightly more interested in continuing the conversation (as everyone in law school tells you, network, network, network).
On day two at the beach, there is Bernie again. After chatting with Bernie further about law school, etc., I’m actually looking at Bernie now as my “friend,” Bernie, the lawyer. So when Bernie overtly hit on me on Day 3, I was in utter disbelief. “You have got to be kidding me. Is this guy for real?” were just some of the thoughts that went through my mind as I left the beach in disgust. To me, it was as if I had just been hit on by one of the men at my grandmother’s bingo social. I went back to my grandmother’s condo, interrupted her bridge game and proclaimed something I finally grasped at the tender age of twenty-three: there is no limit to men’s egos … they all think they have a chance! *
In New York, we all see Bernie at the bar - hitting on all the pretty young things and declaring that he’s not interested in dating anyone even remotely close to his own age. He’s hypercritical of women who he doesn’t care to even get to know, critiquing their every physical and personality trait while he is far from the perfect catch. Now, the guys are likely reading this Blog and saying “well this one’s not so bad, after all. It doesn’t even apply to me.” It does.
See, the problem is NO guy sees himself as Bernie at the Beach.
Ok, fine. Maybe the average male in NYC is closer to a “Pete at the Party.” Pete’s not looking to meet a girl half his age – he just wants a minimum of 5 to 8 years younger. Pete doesn’t look pregnant, but he’s definitely not in the great shape he was in college. He still has hair, damn it – though it’s not like it was and, ok, it’s receding quite a bit. Ok, and maybe graying. Oh, and the height issue – we’ll let’s just say height’s not his best selling asset. Men, even if you consider yourself “not bad looking” because you aren’t carrying around the beer belly your buddy Bob has, and you still have a good amount of hair, chances are high that you are the same level in looks as the girl you’re rejecting for being not attractive enough.
But fortunately for the men, most women care far less about a guy’s looks than they do about his ability to provide for the family they hope to have someday. By the way, did I mention that Pete has a decent job at such and such law firm/bank/[fill in the blank] which allows him a “fine” life in the city, but he ain’t making Crain’s 40 under 40 in this lifetime. To create a parallel to last week’s blog, like men, the women of New York also expect the best. You value looks and weight? Well, the women are just as discerning when it comes to the qualities that make them evaluate whether they consider YOU a suitor worthy of their time. We all know very well, this city is full of real estate moguls, private equity investors, and investment bankers with substantial salaries. Gentlemen, even if the numbers on the singles map are in your favor, know that you have some stiff competition. Now, it goes without saying, women value many other qualities in their potential partner besides the ability to provide (among other things, most women are looking for a man with a great sense of humor, who puts on a nice appearance, who is sensitive and thoughtful, etc.) but a man’s success in his career is certainly high up on the list for many worthwhile NYC femmes.
I start with a story. When I was a 23 year old law student, I visited my grandmother in South Florida during Winter Break. One day at the beach by myself, I met “Bernie.” Bernie was more than twice my age, with a belly the size of a woman carrying twins and hair that had abandoned his head to make a sizable carpet on his back. I was friendly to Bernie after he struck up a conversation with me (for starters, I was a captive audience and didn’t know how to extricate myself – damn that sugar and spice ... see April 23rd blog). At one point, Bernie mentioned that he was a lawyer and so I was slightly more interested in continuing the conversation (as everyone in law school tells you, network, network, network).
On day two at the beach, there is Bernie again. After chatting with Bernie further about law school, etc., I’m actually looking at Bernie now as my “friend,” Bernie, the lawyer. So when Bernie overtly hit on me on Day 3, I was in utter disbelief. “You have got to be kidding me. Is this guy for real?” were just some of the thoughts that went through my mind as I left the beach in disgust. To me, it was as if I had just been hit on by one of the men at my grandmother’s bingo social. I went back to my grandmother’s condo, interrupted her bridge game and proclaimed something I finally grasped at the tender age of twenty-three: there is no limit to men’s egos … they all think they have a chance! *
In New York, we all see Bernie at the bar - hitting on all the pretty young things and declaring that he’s not interested in dating anyone even remotely close to his own age. He’s hypercritical of women who he doesn’t care to even get to know, critiquing their every physical and personality trait while he is far from the perfect catch. Now, the guys are likely reading this Blog and saying “well this one’s not so bad, after all. It doesn’t even apply to me.” It does.
See, the problem is NO guy sees himself as Bernie at the Beach.
Ok, fine. Maybe the average male in NYC is closer to a “Pete at the Party.” Pete’s not looking to meet a girl half his age – he just wants a minimum of 5 to 8 years younger. Pete doesn’t look pregnant, but he’s definitely not in the great shape he was in college. He still has hair, damn it – though it’s not like it was and, ok, it’s receding quite a bit. Ok, and maybe graying. Oh, and the height issue – we’ll let’s just say height’s not his best selling asset. Men, even if you consider yourself “not bad looking” because you aren’t carrying around the beer belly your buddy Bob has, and you still have a good amount of hair, chances are high that you are the same level in looks as the girl you’re rejecting for being not attractive enough.
But fortunately for the men, most women care far less about a guy’s looks than they do about his ability to provide for the family they hope to have someday. By the way, did I mention that Pete has a decent job at such and such law firm/bank/[fill in the blank] which allows him a “fine” life in the city, but he ain’t making Crain’s 40 under 40 in this lifetime. To create a parallel to last week’s blog, like men, the women of New York also expect the best. You value looks and weight? Well, the women are just as discerning when it comes to the qualities that make them evaluate whether they consider YOU a suitor worthy of their time. We all know very well, this city is full of real estate moguls, private equity investors, and investment bankers with substantial salaries. Gentlemen, even if the numbers on the singles map are in your favor, know that you have some stiff competition. Now, it goes without saying, women value many other qualities in their potential partner besides the ability to provide (among other things, most women are looking for a man with a great sense of humor, who puts on a nice appearance, who is sensitive and thoughtful, etc.) but a man’s success in his career is certainly high up on the list for many worthwhile NYC femmes.
And once again, before the reader concludes that based upon the candid comments above, this is all about which guy has the most money, let’s be fair to “head-turner.” She doesn’t have to necessarily be driven solely by the prospect of meeting someone with loads of money/prestige/power, though these guys are hitting on her daily. She can hold out for Mr. Uber Successful who is also extremely attractive, smart, funny and nice because that’s who’s also hitting on her and she can get him. And, Lord knows, she’s trying.
That being said, Pete at the Party, who doesn’t necessarily make it to the top of the list in any aesthetic or financial category, is nevertheless fixated on asking out the hottest girl in sight -- the drop dead gorgeous girl every guy at the party is trying to ask out. The “head-turner.”** And because of this, he’s not “wasting” his limited time getting to know the many other wonderful ladies just an arm’s length away. No, he’s set his sights on the stunner by the Sangria.
Some may wonder, why doesn’t Pete hit on the girl he actually has a chance with?*** Because, any man will tell you, they all secretly want to end up with someone they consider slightly “out of their league.” The problem is that these men don’t realize that they’re not in the All Star line up but rather warming the bench in Double A. Triple A would be a step up.
Message to Pete: You’re not getting THAT girl. She’s not interested. Neither is her also hot, but maybe not quite as hot, friend. You're wasting your time and theirs. If you hit on the girl in your own league you’d be much happier and closer to getting want you really want in life.
If Pete spent the next few parties leaving the girls who want nothing to do with him alone, had realistic expectations about who he is going to end up with in life (this is NOT code for settling), and went straight to approaching the woman who is objectively attractive, sweet, smart and fun (but perhaps not the “head-turner”) he’d be in relationship bliss already (men, this is also great game theory. Think John Nash at the bar in a Beautiful Mind http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ywiYboCLk). And isn’t that what Pete’s after anyway?
Pete doesn’t think he’s losing valuable time by not pursuing the girl who would likely to be his most compatible match? I have a bit of interesting information Pete can put in his pipe. Women are not the only ones who have to worry about age affecting their ability to have children (or to have children without genetic problems). I attach https://publicaffairs.llnl.gov/news/news_releases/2006/NR-06-06-01.html for my audience’s reading pleasure and edification.
If Pete were to start hitting on and pursuing the women who could be a real future partner for him, who will stick with him for better or worse, who will be a loving mother to his children, a best friend and someone who will still challenge him intellectually long after either of them can turn any heads – well, then, I’d say he’s getting the MVP.
Oh my, this is just the tip of the iceberg, there’s much more to come on this subject …
*As one friend said, I would love to buy that circus mirror these men have in their houses – you know, the one where you look insanely tall and slim and are far hotter than the model who just graced the cover of Shape Magazine.
** The head-turner, by the way, is not to be dismissed as attractive and nothing else. She is often the woman who is fantastic in a million other ways besides her great looks.
*** To be expected, one male friend has countered, why wouldn’t Pete hit on the girl way out of his league? What does he have to lose? Further expounding the virtues of this theory, my friend concludes if Pete hits on enough of these Major League beauties, at some point he’s bound to get lucky. Legend has it, it’s happened to Pete before. Sure, maybe Pete got the “drop dead gorgeous” girl one night when she drank too much wearing her D&G champagne goggles. Maybe he was the beneficiary of a few dates when “drop dead gorgeous” was frustrated by the guy she really wanted to be dating but who was giving her the run around and so turned to her sycophant to boost her ego. Or maybe Pete “got” her earlier in life before he became what we can now call “Pete at the Party.”
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Don’t Shoot The Messenger Part I: For The Women
Ok, this one’s gonna be personal. It’s a serious one, liable to result in all sorts of hate mail to the Sunday at Noon Blog coming from Anonymous-es everywhere. But I proceed nonetheless because - please know, ladies - this comes from a good place. It comes from the keen understanding that there is a need for someone to say it like it is and get the knowledge out there - because knowledge is power. And don’t worry, my female following, the next blog - “Don’t Shoot the Messenger Part II” - is directed squarely at the men. So here goes.
New York is a city where you can get the best of everything. Travel to pretty much any other city in the world and their best theater seems like your high school summer stock production in comparison to even New York’s off-off Broadway shows. We have the top hospitals here, the top law firms, we shop at the world’s best luxury stores, enjoy the benefit of having the leading stylists and salons in the world. We expect the best service at restaurants and anything less is not tolerated lightly. The point is: we’re spoiled. We expect the best because we can get it.
New York men are no different. They are looking for the girl who’s got it all because they can get it. She’s here in NYC, in spades. Like you, she’s really bright, went to great schools, she’s good at what she does, she’s fun, she has a great sense of humor, she’s sassy, and she is all around a great girl – and on top of all that, she’s gorgeous. You can’t stare at the blond, 5’9” Barbie doll look alike in this city and think smugly, she’s probably a cocktail waitress. Nope. She went to Yale and she’s a vice president at a private equity firm. This girl understands that to get the guy she wants she needs to make it to the gym and cut back on the grande mocha frappucinos.
So, ladies, in a city which sets the bar high, if you need to lose, say 20lbs, you are 20lbs away from getting the guys you want. A few jean sizes away from improving your dating life a hundredfold.
Now, if you are saying to yourself indignantly “I wouldn’t want to be with the guy who isn’t going to date me simply because I need to lose 20 lbs”, you’re wrong. You do. He’s the guy you are going for and he’s not interested. Rather, he is thinking after he meets you “great girl, I’m just not attracted…she’s just a little bigger than I am interested in.” Friendly reminder: the title of this blog is “Don’t Shoot The Messenger.”
Please know, I speak to single men every day about what they are looking for in a partner and I know what I’m talking about. I didn’t create the rules, ladies. But I know them and I am sharing them with you. And if you deny that these are the rules of engagement, you will continue to operate at a disadvantage and not get what you want. This is the reality of New York or the “Big City” we live in. Looks and being in shape carry a high value. If you’re thinking to yourself “it shouldn’t be that way” maybe you’re right. There shouldn’t be poverty or war either but, unfortunately, I tend to believe there always will be.
And no, you can’t chalk it up to the men being shallow. They are men. If they don’t want to sleep with you, it doesn’t matter how much you know about art, opera or sports or that you love X-Men and Family Guy, have traveled all over the world, speak several languages, play tennis or go to weekly wine tastings. If you are outside the realm of slim, these things are wonderful but irrelevant if the guys can’t get past that “do I want to see her naked” threshold. There are some universal truths and this is one of them …
And to be fair to the men, these men are not looking for size zeros or women who could be body doubles for Dancing with the Stars pros (ok, a few might be but that’s not who I’m talking about here). Nor are most men looking to be with the girl who looks like she hasn’t eaten in weeks and desperately needs to be fed. But they are looking for women who are objectively slim. If you’re describing yourself as “average build” in your online profile, the cold hard truth is you’re likely not an average build by New York standards. And even if you are, the vast majority of men are so extraordinarily attuned to the weight issue that I have been told by several men that if you are putting “average build” they will instantly move on to the next profile.
As one male friend bluntly put it: “If I show up on a blind date and the girl is not slim, it’s immediately over for me.” I know it might sound hard to believe, ladies, but this friend is not an [fill in the explicative]. He’s truly a good guy and he’s looking for something real. He’s just articulating what most other guys are in fact thinking.* Anyone familiar with on-line dating knows the lay of the land – most of the profiles written by the men that are in decent shape are very specific that they want a women in good shape and fit.** In fact, they’re adamant about it to a point you can tell they have encountered too many women who have simply not been honest about their body type (ah yes, the problem with on-line dating. And the men post pictures from when they had hair).
Ok, still thinking that these men of whom I write are shallow? Let’s think about many women’s criteria for a minute. Most women that I interview want to meet a guy who, among other things, is successful and has a good job. They want to meet someone who is financially secure and who is going to be able to provide for the family she hopes to have someday (yes, even if she does well herself). So, if you met a guy who explained on your first date that he was living with his parents, had a dead end job and had a ton of credit card debt would you be so keen on going on a second date with him? Doubtful. Even if this guy had a heart of gold. Does this make you a materialistic, shallow woman looking for a sugar daddy? We all know the answer to that one … (guys, if you’re reading this, it’s “no”).
What eludes most women who stick by the “someone should just love me exactly as I am” mentality is that they in fact have serious competition in this city. There are thousands more single women here than there are men.*** And these women are wonderful and offer the whole package (too bad many of the men in NY are not adept at appreciating them). As I stated at the beginning of this blog, knowledge is power. Feeling powerful and in charge tastes far better than flourless chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream ever could (though, that does sound pretty darn good…).
Summer is around the corner and it’s almost bathing suit time. Make yourself and your fitness a priority the next few weeks and boy you’re gonna draw all the eligible suitors you can handle!
Ok, next the men …
*Unfortunately, it doesn’t help to reason, “well I’m ok with the guy who needs to lose a few pounds too” as he is also holding out for the slim girl. Because he can.
**Men want to be with women who are well put together, live a healthy lifestyle and take pride in their appearance. As my same jerk/non-jerk friend articulated, sure, when men are just looking to have sex, they will hook up with women who don’t meet their physical criteria. But when they’re considering who’s going to be their lifelong partner, it’s a totally different ballgame.
*** Can’t say whether it’s 10 single women to every singe guy, but New York is certainly a mecca for the ambitious, single women. Check out this relatively recent article from the New York Observer -- http://www.observer.com/2008/straight-women-new-york-citys-mating-market-worst-country.
New York is a city where you can get the best of everything. Travel to pretty much any other city in the world and their best theater seems like your high school summer stock production in comparison to even New York’s off-off Broadway shows. We have the top hospitals here, the top law firms, we shop at the world’s best luxury stores, enjoy the benefit of having the leading stylists and salons in the world. We expect the best service at restaurants and anything less is not tolerated lightly. The point is: we’re spoiled. We expect the best because we can get it.
New York men are no different. They are looking for the girl who’s got it all because they can get it. She’s here in NYC, in spades. Like you, she’s really bright, went to great schools, she’s good at what she does, she’s fun, she has a great sense of humor, she’s sassy, and she is all around a great girl – and on top of all that, she’s gorgeous. You can’t stare at the blond, 5’9” Barbie doll look alike in this city and think smugly, she’s probably a cocktail waitress. Nope. She went to Yale and she’s a vice president at a private equity firm. This girl understands that to get the guy she wants she needs to make it to the gym and cut back on the grande mocha frappucinos.
So, ladies, in a city which sets the bar high, if you need to lose, say 20lbs, you are 20lbs away from getting the guys you want. A few jean sizes away from improving your dating life a hundredfold.
Now, if you are saying to yourself indignantly “I wouldn’t want to be with the guy who isn’t going to date me simply because I need to lose 20 lbs”, you’re wrong. You do. He’s the guy you are going for and he’s not interested. Rather, he is thinking after he meets you “great girl, I’m just not attracted…she’s just a little bigger than I am interested in.” Friendly reminder: the title of this blog is “Don’t Shoot The Messenger.”
Please know, I speak to single men every day about what they are looking for in a partner and I know what I’m talking about. I didn’t create the rules, ladies. But I know them and I am sharing them with you. And if you deny that these are the rules of engagement, you will continue to operate at a disadvantage and not get what you want. This is the reality of New York or the “Big City” we live in. Looks and being in shape carry a high value. If you’re thinking to yourself “it shouldn’t be that way” maybe you’re right. There shouldn’t be poverty or war either but, unfortunately, I tend to believe there always will be.
And no, you can’t chalk it up to the men being shallow. They are men. If they don’t want to sleep with you, it doesn’t matter how much you know about art, opera or sports or that you love X-Men and Family Guy, have traveled all over the world, speak several languages, play tennis or go to weekly wine tastings. If you are outside the realm of slim, these things are wonderful but irrelevant if the guys can’t get past that “do I want to see her naked” threshold. There are some universal truths and this is one of them …
And to be fair to the men, these men are not looking for size zeros or women who could be body doubles for Dancing with the Stars pros (ok, a few might be but that’s not who I’m talking about here). Nor are most men looking to be with the girl who looks like she hasn’t eaten in weeks and desperately needs to be fed. But they are looking for women who are objectively slim. If you’re describing yourself as “average build” in your online profile, the cold hard truth is you’re likely not an average build by New York standards. And even if you are, the vast majority of men are so extraordinarily attuned to the weight issue that I have been told by several men that if you are putting “average build” they will instantly move on to the next profile.
As one male friend bluntly put it: “If I show up on a blind date and the girl is not slim, it’s immediately over for me.” I know it might sound hard to believe, ladies, but this friend is not an [fill in the explicative]. He’s truly a good guy and he’s looking for something real. He’s just articulating what most other guys are in fact thinking.* Anyone familiar with on-line dating knows the lay of the land – most of the profiles written by the men that are in decent shape are very specific that they want a women in good shape and fit.** In fact, they’re adamant about it to a point you can tell they have encountered too many women who have simply not been honest about their body type (ah yes, the problem with on-line dating. And the men post pictures from when they had hair).
Ok, still thinking that these men of whom I write are shallow? Let’s think about many women’s criteria for a minute. Most women that I interview want to meet a guy who, among other things, is successful and has a good job. They want to meet someone who is financially secure and who is going to be able to provide for the family she hopes to have someday (yes, even if she does well herself). So, if you met a guy who explained on your first date that he was living with his parents, had a dead end job and had a ton of credit card debt would you be so keen on going on a second date with him? Doubtful. Even if this guy had a heart of gold. Does this make you a materialistic, shallow woman looking for a sugar daddy? We all know the answer to that one … (guys, if you’re reading this, it’s “no”).
What eludes most women who stick by the “someone should just love me exactly as I am” mentality is that they in fact have serious competition in this city. There are thousands more single women here than there are men.*** And these women are wonderful and offer the whole package (too bad many of the men in NY are not adept at appreciating them). As I stated at the beginning of this blog, knowledge is power. Feeling powerful and in charge tastes far better than flourless chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream ever could (though, that does sound pretty darn good…).
Summer is around the corner and it’s almost bathing suit time. Make yourself and your fitness a priority the next few weeks and boy you’re gonna draw all the eligible suitors you can handle!
Ok, next the men …
*Unfortunately, it doesn’t help to reason, “well I’m ok with the guy who needs to lose a few pounds too” as he is also holding out for the slim girl. Because he can.
**Men want to be with women who are well put together, live a healthy lifestyle and take pride in their appearance. As my same jerk/non-jerk friend articulated, sure, when men are just looking to have sex, they will hook up with women who don’t meet their physical criteria. But when they’re considering who’s going to be their lifelong partner, it’s a totally different ballgame.
*** Can’t say whether it’s 10 single women to every singe guy, but New York is certainly a mecca for the ambitious, single women. Check out this relatively recent article from the New York Observer -- http://www.observer.com/2008/straight-women-new-york-citys-mating-market-worst-country.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
