Because You Asked ...

Just the other day an acquaintance asked me ... "Marni, what exactly do you do? How does your business work? I don't even know..." In fact, those same questions are asked frequently so I figured to kill hundreds of birds with one stone (not PC idiom, I know, especially coming from an animal lover) that I would attempt in this blog to give my readers a better understanding of what Sunday at Noon is all about.

What? The truth is, I hate the word Matchmaking. It conjures up images of Yente from Fiddler on the Roof - fat, overbearing and old. God, I hope no one would describe me that way! But that is what I do. I set people up. Not super complicated. Unfortunately, none of the other words I have tried really cut it - social networking? social engineering? relationship headhunting ... nah. So, matchmaking it is. But not your standard matchmaking.

Who? The first time a prospective client asked "who does Sunday at Noon?" I was so surprised. Possibly you! Me (if I weren't the founder). Your best friend. Your sister. Your brother. Wonderful, quality single people in the city. People who are finally ready to meet someone great and move on to the next stage of their lives. People who don't want to sit around anymore hoping that they will meet the love of their lives - they want to be proactive about it and make things happen.

My clients range from 25 to 51, they are men and women from various cultural and religious backgrounds, but what they all have in common is that they are well-educated, attractive, successful professionals. With their limited time due to their lifestyles, my clients gain the benefit of quality introductions without sacrificing countless hours on the internet or wasting precious time on inappropriate dates.

How? "How does the process work?" Is usually the next question. Simple. I take on clients who pay to join and I then undertake a very thorough and intensive search for people who would be a great match. After screening the prospective matches, I then set them up to meet for Sunday brunch, ergo the name Sunday at Noon. The process regarding arranging people's schedules, the confidential nature of the service, etc. I won't get into here - feel free to check out my Philosophy and Process links on my site if you're curious to know more on that (sundayatnoon.com). It's all spelled out there.

Of course, there's also feedback. We could all be better daters - and I help people with that. From wardrobe to protocol, sometimes the feedback comes from me based upon my observations and sometimes it comes straight from the date. It is worth its weight in gold. Part of my job also includes being a resource and giving advice even as my clients start to date the men and women I have introduced them to - they know I am constantly hearing from men and women about their dating/relationship views, stories and needs.

And then there are my monthly events which are an added benefit for my clients. Clients get an opportunity to meet dozens of new people every month and people are connecting. Anyone who has been to my parties knows they're not "singles parties" - but just great events which draw dynamic professionals. Sailing, bowling, cheese tasting ... just some of the events I throw. Of course, it's also a lot of work making sure that everything is up to par but that's where my anal lawyer type A personality comes in handy ... ensuring the proper male to female ratio and that everyone at the event has a great time. And if you've been to an event before and I haven't invited you back it might have been for that precise reason (keeping the ratio even) - of course, clients always get invited.

Why? Meeting new, quality people can be particularly hard for professionals in New York - especially after your 20s. Anyone who says it isn't hasn't lived here long enough or is recently single. In fact, it's not just New York. Friends of mine in other cities (e.g. LA, D.C., Chicago) say the same thing - it's difficult in urban areas for a myriad of reasons.

Just like many of my clients now, I was an extremely busy attorney in Manhattan with very little free time to be out meeting new people (it's all about those billable hours and making partner!). Yes, I could go out when I wasn't tied to my desk and meet some Joe Schmo at a bar, but I kept wondering where in this city of millions were the quality guys?

I knew - personally as well as in addition to hearing countless stories from single friends and colleagues - that there was a profound need for someone in this city to bring quality people together with honesty, integrity and skill.

Almost two years ago, I jokingly told a friend of mine lamenting his single status that I should start my own business and improve upon everything out there. He looked me dead on and said "Why don't you? You're the one person I know who could do it." I have always been extremely social, a networker and a connector. Well before I started my matchmaking business, I had a vast network of friends and acquaintances of all different backgrounds - not just lawyers and bankers but also artists, entrepreneurs, academics, jet setters, Hamptons friends - you name it. I have always had an excellent instinct for people and I have always loved setting people up. When I told friends that I was planning on starting my matchmaking business the reaction was the same across the board: you are going to be awesome at this, it's what you were meant to do!

Ok, I hope I killed a thousand birds (you know what I mean) - but if you still have questions, feel free to write me directly - you know where to find me!

Job Opening: No Pay But Excellent Benefits

Yes, that's it, it's time to fire cupid. His judgment is questionable, his timing is off, and he seems to take a perverse joy in watching one love struck single pine for someone who, in turn, is pining for someone else. His quarterly reviews have been consistently poor and in this time of economic downsizing lackluster performance cannot go unaddressed.

And just who is going to fill the job opening? You. That's right, YOU. Now, please don't complain that you already have enough work to do and that you barely take lunch as it is - when times are tough we all have to make adjustments. Plus, Valentine's Day is just one month away, so no time for whining - you need to get to it and hit the ground running (oh right, don't forget to be a team player and think outside the box - gotta love corporate America lingo).

Of course, with little over 30 days until the project due date (yes, Cupid left a whole stack of work unfinished for February 14th), you need a plan and ideally some short cuts. Here are five tips that may help you as you take matters into your own hands.

(1) Rework your on line profile. If you've been on line for a while and aren't getting the results you want, perhaps it's time to shake things up. Have a friend whose opinion you value look at your profile and ask him or her for honest feedback on how it could be better so it will stand out more in searches. You may even want to consider hiring a profile expert to give some guidance and objective advice. Maybe it's time to change your photo, switch sites, or modify your search to target new victims (I mean love interests - victims was Cupid's word...).

(2) Get out. The chances of your sushi delivery guy being the love of your life is slim to none, so if you're not out and about it's pretty much guaranteed that you're not going to meet someone. Thus, as obvious as it sounds, if you want to do your job effectively you need to leave the house and attend as many functions as you have time for and can afford. Accept as many invitations to super bowl and birthday parties as you can and try to make an appearance at all of them. Organize a girls or boys night out ... and also make sure to go a few places solo (e.g. Barnes and Noble draws a lot of single people in the evenings and on the weekends and could be a great place to meet someone. Just don't look too immersed in your book so that a prospective suitor would be afraid to bother you). Guys, go to a cooking or salsa class (I am amazed that more men who are looking to meet great women do not sign up for these classes as they are typically filled with all women). Girls, if you can handle the smoke, head to a cigar bar or get tickets for a sporting event like hockey or basketball. Whatever you do, just don't sit at home.

(3) Change your routine. Going to the gym at the same time every day? Time to change your morning work out for an evening exertion - you will be exposed to a whole new set of people. Going to the same Starbucks every morning for your double mocha latte frappucino swirl (ok, I totally made that drink up)? Try hitting a different Starbucks instead or even a new coffee shop altogether - again, you never know when the love of your life is going to be staring at you from across the expresso bar. You get the point - just start changing where you are and when.

(4) Spread the word. Tell your friends that you are following through on your resolutions for 2010 and one of them is to be proactive about meeting someone special. Do they know anyone at work that might be a good set up for you? Do they have any cousins, business school friends, neighbors in their building, etc. that they think you might like? While you might assume that they would have already made the effort to set you up if they had someone in mind, that's not necessarily so - sometimes people don't realize that Cupid didn't do his job properly and mistakenly think you don't need the "help."

(5) Consider hiring a professional. Why not allow someone to help you with your new project? Cupid had no incentive to strike you with his bow, but a professional is paid to be working for you 24/7. Having someone be proactive in finding the right person for you only increases your chances of meeting the "One." This someone needs to "get" you and understand what you are looking for in a partner. Of course, he or she also needs to have the people you would want to meet in his or her database and needs to be trustworthy and knowledgeable.

Who knows, you just might come to see that Cupid should have been downsized a long time ago ...

Ready to get proactive about your love life and get started on meeting that special someone in 2010. Contact Marni at marni@sundayatnoon.com to learn more about becoming a client.

A Call to Arms

First, let me start off by wishing all of my faithful readers a very happy New Year! Let's hope that 2010 is a year filled with much good for all those we know and love (and even those we don't know and love as it's good karma to wish positive things for others).

Ok, the blog …

Not too long ago I met with a woman who was turning 41. She was attractive, bright and successful. We talked about her prior relationships for a while, what she was looking for in a partner, etc. (the usual stuff) and then she uttered two short sentences that seems to sum up all that I have come to know about the dating world for 40+ year old single women in New York City. It was candid, direct and succinct but also profoundly full of meaning: "Nobody told me. No one warned me how things were going to suddenly change." Across from me was a woman who had never lacked for male attention or serious suitors in the past and now men that would have previously been interested weren't asking her out because she's over 40. The landscape had changed.

We all know that men are attracted to pretty women who are in good shape and take care of themselves - nothing earth shattering in that statement. But what really surprised me after I started my matchmaking business, and what may surprise some of my readers, was how many men I have met over 40 who are not open to meeting anyone remotely close to their own age. Indeed, I speak frequently with men who are in their 40s and 50s, etc. who provide a laundry list of what they are looking for in a partner - as you can imagine, they are seeking the works - and then they hasten to add that she should also be [insert age a minimum of 8 years younger than the speaker's age]. No matter how wonderful or interesting or attractive these 40+ women are, they are not going to have a shot at being considered by a certain percentage of NYC guys of their equivalent age or a few years older because they just don't make the age cut. The Millionaire Matchmaker had a show on this where she referred to these men as “ageists.”[1] A great term for it, really.

The reasons for this "ageism" vary. Sometimes it's just a value system. Obviously, there is a premium placed on youth and good looks in this world. Younger is often "better" and that's reality. That being said, to some, experience, wordliness and maturity are more valuable than a tight ass and perfect skin. Sometimes men don't want to acknowledge their own aging and a young partner may make them feel better about themselves.[2] I am going to skip over these types of analyses (perhaps to be tackled another day) to address the reasons articulated most frequently for the age discrimination I witness.

Many guys will simply cite the woman's age and say they want kids. With an attitude of “’nough said.” As if the number 40 speaks for itself. If you spend 20 minutes online you can find ample information showing that many women in their early 40s have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. Yes, everyone knows that there is an increased risk of infertility and complications in pregnancies as women get older but these issues actually start to become relevant in pregnancies where the women are 35 and over (should these still aspiring papas now drop their maximum age limit to 30?).

Not so fast - women under 30 beware. Research has shown that for women under 30, a male partner aged 40 or over reduced their chances of conceiving by a quarter; for women between 35 and 37, a partner over 40 reduced conception to a one-in-three possibility.[3] Studies also show that men over 35 are twice as likely to be infertile.[4]

Other research shows that there is an increased risk for autism in instances of men in their 30s fathering children and the risk of having an autistic child is five times higher when the father is in his 40s.[5] For men having children over 40, studies show there is also a dramatic increase in the risk that the child will be affected by schizophrenia, dwarfism, bipolar disorder, certain childhood cancers, or even, later in life, Alzheimer's.[6] In fact, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine "has set an upper age limit of 40 years old for semen donors because of the increased risk of genetic abnormalities in the offspring of older fathers." .[7]

Thus, these men who are so quick to point to the women’s biological clock as a deal breaker are truly an example of the pot calling the kettle black. Sure Tony Randall could have a baby at 77 (whereas a septuagenarian women has long passed menopause), but that does not mean the male’s biological clock does not exist. For some reason it is just never discussed. News flash: Men have a biological clock and it ticks pretty damn loudly.

Another reason 40+ guys have given in regard to not being interested in meeting women closer to their own age is they have a time frame for kids that is still years away. This issue was already addressed briefly in my prior blog Peter Pan Lives on Perry Street (Nov. 11, 2009) (please reference the section regarding dads too old to play sports with their teenage kids and add the additional factor that studies show older dads have less patience with their children), coupled with the paragraph above, I think it's fine to leave this reason and move onto the next.

The next reason comes compliments of "Al". Al was 46 but easily could have passed for 56 (I know he was actually 46 because I checked his license). Despite this, Al told me his age cut off for women was 37. Stunned, I asked him why and he shared his view that women who are over 37 and never married tend to be bitter. On the surface it seemed like a valid reason ... but to stereotype every woman over 37 in such an unflattering way is like saying everyone from Wisconsin loves cheese (I know this is not true because I once met someone from Madison who did not). The irony of this guy is that he was so woefully, unhappily single and yet was ruling out an entire segment of women simply based on likely bad choices he had made in the past. I know a lot of happy, not-bitter, joyful single women in their late 30s and early 40s (some never married and some divorced).

In fact, while the bulk of my female clients are under 40, some of these phenomenal 40+ women are my clients. Which brings me to the real point of this blog. The women who come to me looking for help in meeting that special someone could easily be your friends, co-workers, family members ... people you love and respect. So I am asking you, Dear Readers, if you know any men who are in their 40s and 50s (they could be your friend, a colleague, an uncle) who are open to meeting quality, very attractive women who are 39 (ok, yes, the bias actually starts a wee bit prior to 40) to 49 they should contact me and I may very well be able to introduce them to the love of their lives. They don't have to become a client[8] and they don't have to spend a dime (other than treating for the date). You're thinking of someone in particular and he's divorced? Perfect - regarding men over 40 that is actually the preference. He has kids? No problem (in fact, it is a preference for many of my clients who are divorced, do not have kids and are not looking to start a new family). If you're wondering what kind of men I'm looking for, that's easy - the standard: good guys who are kind, interesting, fun, active, successful and looking for a real relationship.

Who knows? By playing assistant matchmaker yourself you may start 2010 off with some very good karma. And a little good karma never hurt anyone.

---

[1] The irony of that episode was the 45 year old gentlemen millionaire on the show who asserted he wanted to meet a young vixen ended up having more in common and, picking, the successful female millionaire client on the show who was the CEO of a high end fashion label, absolutely gorgeous … and 40.

[2] This can often have the opposite effect, however, when the courtship phase is over and the men realize that they really can’t keep up with their younger counterpart.

[3] See Men's Reproductive Function Can Be Damaged If They Have Children After 40 http://english.pravda.ru/science/health/04-05-2006/79869-men-0; see also Male Biological Clock Also 'Ticking': Fertility Problems Greater For Men Over 35

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/07/080706194250.htm.

[4] See Is Your Sperm Too Old?, http://www.themalebiologicalclock.blogspot.com, Nov. 22, 2009 Blog, see also Research: Male Biological Clock Winds Down After 35

http://www.rscbayarea.com/news/patient_and_press_advisories/research_male_biological_clock_winds_down_after_35.ht

("According to the ASRM, infertility is a male problem 35 percent of the time; a female problem 35 percent of the time, a combined problem of the couple 20 percent of the time, and the final 10 percent is unexplained. The Columbia research found that the risk of miscarriage of a fetus conceived by a father over age 40 was 60 percent greater than if the father were 25 to 29, irrespective of other factors that have been linked with increased miscarriage risk, such as the mother's age, maternal diabetes, poor maternal health and smoking during pregnancy. The increased risk of miscarriage does not just apply to fathers in their 40s, however. The miscarriage risk in a pregnancy involving a father aged 35 to 39 was three times higher than the risk if the father were under 25.").

[5] Id.

[6] Id.; see also It Seems The Fertility Clock Ticks for Men,Too

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/27/health/27sper.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1 (very good New York Times Article worth taking the time to read).

[7] See Research: Male Biological Clock Winds Down After 35, supra.

[8] For those who are unaware of how my business model works, I take on clients both male and female and set up personalized introductions. The introductions can be client to client or between a client and someone who is in my “database” (the database consisting of hundreds of single NYC men and women who I personally screen before any introduction). I can assure my readers that should you send someone to me who would like to be in my database and is open to meeting the 40+ women I have referenced he will not be pressured in any way to become a client.

The Year End Review

This is it … that time of year … the time of year for unbelievable post-Christmas sales, for making New Year’s resolutions that end up having a shorter shelf life than ripe bananas, for organizing crazy fun New Year’s plans that never end up being that crazy or that fun and … for enduring the dreaded OR welcome Year End Review (it’s all in the perspective, right?).

Yes, in the ensuing weeks, lawyers, bankers, marketers, you name it, will be called in to the head honcho’s office for a frank but diplomatic assessment of their strengths and weaknesses. “Sit down so and so, it’s time to discuss your accomplishments this year, and while we’re at it, we should address a few areas that could use some work ...” Gen X yuppies everywhere will find out whether they will get promoted, what their bonuses will be and/or whether they will be vigorously searching their contacts trying to locate the number of that persistent headhunter whose calls were of mild interest a year or so back.

What does this have to do with dating, you might ask? Well, just picture it – what if you could receive a Year End Review not in your capacity as an associate or aspiring managing director but as a single guy or girl about town with an active dating life, but possibly unfulfilling love life. Wouldn’t it be great if we could line up all of our love interests from 2009 and get a similar no-nonsense assessment of our strengths and weaknesses as a date, as a boyfriend/girlfriend, as a potential life partner ... You know, something like: “Suzie, you exhibited excellent conversation skills, but lackluster table manners.” Or perhaps: “Richard, if you could just try to work on the foreplay skills, you’ll be promoted in no time.”

This type of tough love feedback would be worth its weight in gold. Even if you disagree with the person’s take away (we all know colleagues who leave their year end reviews arguing against the collective wisdom of the firm/company/bank because they don’t want to acknowledge that they might not be the perfect employee) you would at least know that someone else perceived you that way. And while it may not have mattered with this prior paramour, the next time around it might be someone you really like who harbors the fatal misperception.

Unfortunately, unlike in corporate America, singles in the dating world are highly reluctant to provide truly candid feedback to one another. This is understandable, as the fear of confrontation is a strong one and, anyway, most good natured people don’t want to offend others so they opt for platitudes (e.g. “It’s not you, it’s me”). Therefore, bewildered daters are often left wondering “Why? Why didn’t I get the return call/the third date/the coveted invite to spend New Year’s together?”

So then, just how does one get answers to ensure that at the end of 2010 you don’t find yourself in precisely the same place as you were at 12:30pm on December 29, 2009? For the fantastic men and women who choose to become my clients, I am in the unique position of being able to pass on a tremendous amount of relevant and constructive feedback from a variety of sources. Of course, outside of seeking the assistance of a professional, there’s also the option of going straight to the source and asking the girls/guys you’ve dated for their honest constructive criticism. If you’re still friends, you might invite the person you were dating for coffee and, while assuring him or her that you have not entered AA, ask your ex-love interest what advice he or she would give you for 2010.

If you’re not in a position to reach out to an “ex” perhaps you can ask a family member whose opinion you trust or two or three friends who know you very well to: (1) share with you their assessment of what you might be doing that is leading to disappointment in your love life and (2) offer one piece of advice (or more) they would give you regarding what to work on for the upcoming year. We all know that, given the opportunity, we would have ample constructive critique to offer those we love. Can there be any doubt that the feeling is reciprocal among those who love us? Most people do not fully appreciate how they might be coming across to others. What better way for you to find out than by asking? And as the saying goes, knowledge is power.

So, here are a few pointers that might help in the conduct of the “Year End Review”:

• Ask your ex-love interest/friend/family member, etc. to provide equally positive feedback to accompany the critique (this makes it an easier pill to swallow and reminds you that, yes, this person is your friend).
• Emphasize that you are looking for specific examples in the feedback you receive – not vague generalities.
• Try to elicit ideas on how you can make positive changes for the future.
• Take notes.
• Consume a lot of alcohol before and after (just kidding on this one).
  

If you embark on this path of self-discovery and improvement, it’s important to let your "reviewer" know that no matter what he or she says you are not going to get angry or hold it against him or her. Hearing honest, raw, unfiltered, critique can be the equivalent of being ripped open with a dull object and slowly being picked apart by vultures. It freakin’ hurts. I know – I have been lucky enough to receive such an unapologetic critique and, in light of what I do, I am the one giving such critiques on a weekly basis (though I always try to do it with a delicate hand).

The above exercise calls to my mind that famous line in A Few Good Men when Jack Nicholson announces to the tenacious Tom Cruise, “You can’t handle the truth!” I think it goes without saying that if you’re going to do this, you need to be able to handle the truth.

So, here’s a toast … to reviews, to the truth and to a knowledgeable, powerful, wonderful 2010.

Interested in receiving invaluable dating feedback, benefiting from image consulting, dating coaching, personalized introductions, events and more? Contact Marni at marni@sundayatnoon.com to learn more about becoming a client. Give yourself the gift of love in 2010.

The Path To The Dark Side

All of my faithful readers know by now that I love New York, warts and all. As New Yorkers, we deal with extreme noise, extreme stress, extreme prices, extreme traffic … extremely small living spaces … and still we thrive. And we also choose to live here despite the various perils inherent in living in one of the world’s most important and highly populated cities. Nevertheless, we leave our apartments every morning instead of staying home for fear of what might happen on the way to the subway because we seem to recognize that you can’t let fear dictate your life (and we need to go to work so we can afford our expensive rents).

Indeed, as Mark Twain aptly noted, “Courage is not the lack of fear, it’s acting in spite of it.”[1]

However, the truth is that when it comes to relationships and finding a life partner, many fearful New York singles simply don’t act. Their fear of the inherent dangers in dating paralyzes them into inaction and so they never (figuratively) leave the safety of their apartments’ four walls. Or, if they do, it is with enough body armor to withstand a full frontal assault. In many ways when it comes to dating these cynical New York singles act more like the cowardly lion – afraid to put themselves out there and see what might happen – than the tough, courageous stereotype of New Yorkers that the world has come to view us as.

And this makes sense in a way. New Yorkers are achievers, right? Achievers are not used to failing. Rejection = failing = not good. Therefore, it’s easier to act as if meeting and connecting with someone is not a priority and that other things are just more important (work, social life, etc.) than to proactively put yourself out there. This way you haven’t failed in your goal. Of course, there is also the real fear of even opening up to someone in this dog eat dog city. Add to this the fear of not being successful/thin/cool/good enough … you get the point. What if this other person learns that you are not perfect and then tells someone else about it – no one wants his or her cover blown. And, then there is one of the most paralyzing fears of all: the fear of making the wrong choice (“who knows if I commit to this person I might miss the opportunity for something bigger and better?”). The fear of settling for less than what you think you can get can keep one vigilant about not getting trapped into the wrong relationship … and it can also keep one from ever being in a meaningful relationship at all. Yes, in New York, bigger and better is always around the corner.

On top of all that, is the fear of getting screwed (of course, figuratively – not literally). If you have had enough bad dating experiences in this city it’s not surprising that a fundamental need for self-preservation kicks in. As corny as it may sound, dating can be scary. Especially if you really like someone. Getting rejected sucks, plain and simple. Being vulnerable sucks. If you’ve dated long enough, chances are you’ve been burned. You were too nice, too available, too trusting … too flammable. Taking a cautious approach or a preemptive stance certainly helps you avoid being burned again - e.g. "This time around, I won’t show I’m invested until he or she shows me.” or “This person might reject me? F – that – I’ll reject him/her first.” It’s easier to claim that you don’t care if the person you are starting to date chooses to walk away because there are plenty of other quality, good looking fish in this proverbial sea, than to let the catch of the day know you actually care for him or her.

Employing the foregoing attitude definitely helps prevent the arson attack but it also often leads to yet another night of meaningless interactions and lamenting your single status. It’s understandable that some people’s fears of not succeeding might keep them from even trying. It’s also understandable how many people would rather turn their frustration with dating outwards (and towards the opposite sex) instead of figuring out if it might possibly be something that they’re doing that keeps them from getting what they want.

But the point is to confront and surmount these fears. You might confront these fears by going to a party where you don’t know anyone (other than the host – not talking about party crashing here...), or by making it your objective to approach new people at events and not care if you occasionally get blown off (it happens to everyone) … or you might ask people who know you well for honest feedback about yourself and what they think you are doing that is keeping you from meeting the “One” (while the truth might hurt, you will be infinitely better off having heard it).

Of course, many people are in denial – they claim they don’t have any fears (all this talk of fear is far too “Dr. Phil” for them) and so they can’t even know how to confront them. With the New Year around the corner what better time than now to take a cold, hard look at yourself and ask some tough questions. Indeed, before you write your list of resolutions, how about writing a different list first – a list of what fears you have in regard to being in a relationship, getting married/not getting married and what you might be doing to prevent those things from happening. Because far worse than being indirectly called a scaredy-cat by some two-bit writer of a blog, should be the thought that you might be letting fear prevent you from getting what you want in life. And that would really suck.

Maybe it’s time for us all to watch Star Wars again.[2]

[1] Nelson Mandela offered a similar definition of courage: “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

[2] “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Yoda.

Curious to know what Sunday at Noon is about and the services Marni offers? Contact Marni at marni@sundayatnoon.com to learn more about becoming a client. Why not give yourself the gift of love this year? Sunday at Noon: It’s completely confidential, it’s fun and it’s effective.

Naughty or Nice?

The holidays are right around the corner. As if it isn’t hard enough trying to figure what to give your father who has everything he could possibly want (otherwise, he’d buy it himself…) or what the going rate is for NYC doormen in a recession, now add to that the question “what gift is appropriate for someone you’ve only been dating a few weeks or a couple of months?” No gift? A card? A Starbucks gift card? (I do not recommend that one).

For couples who have just started dating this time of year is particularly difficult to navigate. Everywhere you go, you are reminded that the holidays are right around the corner (I kid you not, I was hearing “Jingle Bells” in Bed Bath & Beyond before Halloween). If only the three wise men were on hand to let you know what gift would put you in good standing and what gifts will result in charcoal in your stocking next year.

Yes, we know it’s not about the gift per se. As cliché as it may sound, whatever you give, it truly is the thought that counts. Especially now when the poor economy has made people take stock of what really matters. Still … there’s no denying that there are inherent expectations this time of year that, if not met, lead to disappointment, resentment and a notable lack of holiday cheer. And these expectations go well beyond the gift giving but also to plan-making (Geez, is New Year’s just 4 and ½ weeks away?) and staying in close phone/email contact when holiday travels take you to different time zones.

But let’s stick with the gift giving for the purposes of this blog which in some ways is the easiest part of the equation (knowing when it’s time to spend the holidays together, meet family, etc. now that can be a doozey). Obviously, if you’ve only had two or three dates, you’re safe with a “have a great holiday” sign off via email or phone and “let’s get together when you get back into town.” Past the token first few dates, though, things can get tricky. Of course, you can never go wrong with a nice card – even if it says a most generic “Happy Holidays – looking forward to spending more time together in the New Year.” Guys, this would do wonders for the new woman in your lives and it only costs $4.99. Even sending an e-card is better than nothing.

But what about the actual gift giving? What should one get? As any jaded dater can figure out, if you pick out a gift that is too lavish too soon you run the risk of scaring off your new paramour. On the other hand, if you refrain from placing anything under the tree (or near the menorah), then you also send a message which you hope is appropriately timed (e.g. “it’s too soon for this gift giving thing” – that’s fine if it’s three weeks, probably not going to fly with the ladies after three months).[1] Ok, ok, so, yes Guys, for purposes of this blog there has already been some level of intimacy (I know the guys are thinking when contemplating theoretically what would be an appropriate gift: "have I seen her naked? Have we slept together?" Girls are wondering "is he calling every day?" These things do factor into the equation). Continuing with the questions… what gifts show thoughtfulness and appreciation for the other person, what gift might send the wrong message?

If you are in the beginning stages of a relationship, the gift should most likely be relatively small – as we all know, you could very well be broken up next week and here you are having given a pricey Tiffany’s bracelet to someone you may very well never talk to again. In my opinion, books are a perfect small gift (as least for guys) in a new relationship assuming the object of your affection likes to read as they are something someone can potentially have forever. And you never forget the person who gave you a book that really impacted you. In addition, if you give your new romantic interest a book that you really love, it can also be a way for that person to get a better sense of who you are as well as provide a way for you two to connect even more. Other good gift items for guys could be cigars, a good bottle of wine or liquor, boxers, cool cufflinks, a gift certificate for a hard core Swedish massage at his gym, CDs to learn Italian if he’s been talking about wanting to get in touch with his Latin heritage … or any gift that shows you’ve been paying attention and were thinking of him.

For women, you could also try books (Guys, if you’re not sure where her interests lie, casually check out what’s on her bookshelf next time you’re over) though I think some women would find this gift not to be romantic enough (if there are no books in her apartment that might be a good clue not to do your shopping at Barnes and Noble). Maybe consider nice gloves and a matching scarf so she can wear them and tell people you picked them out for her. Even a quality picture frame might also work (it has the hidden message that she might fill it with a picture of the two of you someday) … or you might really impress her if you notice that she is in need of something and fill the void before she gets the opportunity (i.e. noticing that she is running low on her perfume, etc.). Most women I know are always in need of good body lotions (ask a good girlfriend what a desirable brand is – Dove is probably not going to earn you any points). This is a gift that has a dual impact – it’s slightly sensual but also practical. Nice candles could also be a good gift and they can be used to set the right ambiance on a cold winter’s eve.

While artistic, handcrafted jewelry could also be a great gift (a new boyfriend once gave me a relatively inexpensive but very cool pair of earring from a new jewelry designer that I loved for the holidays – it was a perfect gift), I would be very careful about giving any jewelry unless you are pretty confident about your new girlfriend’s taste – you’d hate to have your gift sit in the jewelry box all year or worse regifted in a Secret Santa office swap. And just as I suggested for the men, what woman wouldn’t appreciate a gift certificate for an hour massage at a nice NYC salon or spa (maybe pass on the Swedish massage and opt for hot stone therapy)?

These are all relatively inexpensive gifts that are not charged with too much symbolism but also show you are invested on some level.[2] Whatever the gift is that’s being shared, I think we can all agree that as long as the other person’s trying, he or she gets the green light (no matter how far from your taste the gift might be, try to keep in mind that old expression regarding looking a gift horse in the mouth – generally not a good idea as they have very bad breath).[3] Hopefully, you’ll have another whole year for your new guy or gal to get to know your taste – and possibly a lifetime together to get this whole gift giving ritual down.

Readers, if you have any good suggestions for thoughtful, inexpensive gifts for members of the opposite sex, please feel free to post them (and stories of interesting/inappropriate holiday gifts are also welcome for a good pre-holiday laugh).


[1] For starters, there should be open communication on this topic. You never know if the other person is also planning to show his or her excitement over your budding romance with some token of his or her affection. I think most people agree that they hate being taken by surprise when someone presents them with a gift and they are caught empty handed. One suggestion is to say to your new love interest, “hey, I picked you up something small. Nothing big at all, just something I think you’ll like.” Now he or she has been duly warned. Similarly, if you don’t “do” gifts during the holiday season (perhaps you don’t agree with the commercialism of the holidays), it’s also important to let your new significant other know. That way there is no misunderstanding or hard feelings.

[2] If you have some special skill where you can make a gift for your sweetie, even better. But if your one skill is making wood plate holders with a ceramic center (a la 7th Grade Home Ec.) you might want to hold off another year or two … or indefinitely.

[3] Ok, I know you’re busy this time of year… I’ll save you the effort of having to click onto the link: “[t]he value of a horse is related to its age - i.e., a younger horse is more valuable than an older horse. You can determine the relative age of a horse by inspecting its teeth. Back in the day, a horse was commonly given as a gift. If a man received a horse as a gift, and then inspected inside its mouth, he was trying to assess the value of the gift he received. So, the saying means that you should not assess the value of any gift that you receive; rather you should be thankful for the thoughtfulness of the gift-giver.”
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Where_does_the_expression_Don

Curious to know what Sunday at Noon is about and the services Marni offers? Contact Marni at marni@sundayatnoon.com to learn more about becoming a client. Like all good things this time of year, holiday discount available through December 24th. Why not give yourself the gift of love this year? Sunday at Noon: It’s completely confidential, it’s fun and it’s effective.

Peter Pan Lives on Perry Street (and his cousin, Paula, lives on Prince)

Ah, New York. Unlike any other place in the world. The ridiculously expensive shops, top tier entertainment, VIP nightlife, the constant energy and distractions … one big playground for high salaried adult-kids whose sense of age and aging would make Ponce de Leon think that there is definitely something in the water.

Now, I know it’s not just New York that has delayed the aging process. Haven’t you heard? All over the country 40 is the new 30, 30 is the new 20 and 20 is the new … ok, wait a minute… Anyway, you’re right - more people everywhere are going for graduate degrees, delaying marriage, living longer, etc.

But there is something about New York that is different. A feeling. A sense of control over one’s own child-adult transition, timing and destiny. A belief that you can be a kid for as long you want until the one day you decide (if you want, we all know people who never make this decision) that you’re done playing and you would like to now be a real life, certifiable adult. An official “Grown-Up.” Until then, however, there are a lot of trees you would like to climb and uneven bars you would still like to frequent. And, as all residents of Gotham City[1] sure as hell know, there will always be an ample and steady supply of other Lost Boys more than willing to play with you. Whether you are 21, 31 or 51.

And you may ask why it’s anyone’s business when you choose to grow up. Who’s to say you can’t go out until 3 in the morning or that you can’t do 4 shots of tequila - as long as you are at work on time the next day it’s really not an issue. You get the job done. And done well.

Maybe it’s no one’s place to judge the oftentimes hedonistic and incredibly social lives we lead in New York – it’s certainly not mine. But the one thing that I can tell you, from the countless conversations I have with unattached New Yorkers (how do you like that as a synonym for “single?”), is that when it comes to relationships, this false sense of eternal youth can in fact be very dangerous for NYC singles ...

Dangerous? Yes, dangerous. More so than Barney’s Warehouse Sale. As always, I will elaborate.

New Yorkers tend to be achievers with the salaries to match the drive. They tend to take care of themselves and have the money that it often requires to look good – and younger. They tend to have active social calendars and are not sitting on the couch watching reruns when they could easily be at a gallery opening, a new culinary hotspot, or a friend’s Penthouse party. So when you look good, feel good and have more event invitations than you could possibly attend, dates scheduled than you can possibly keep track of or hookups pleasantly repeating themselves in your mind than you care to admit, it’s easy to get lost in a time warp. But oftentimes when a sociable single finally comes to realize that he or she is tired of the “carefree” single life (been there/done that) and wouldn’t mind some cares (kids, a house, and so on) it is often at a point where so much valuable time has passed that Jane or Joe Single suddenly looks in the mirror and exclaims “Holy *%!@*! How did I get here?”

This phenomenon is extremely common with NYC women, but men are certainly not immune (more on this in a moment). Anywhere else in the country (save LA or maybe one or two other urban areas) a single 30 year old woman is considered a virtual spinster. Here, no one looks askance at a group of 30 year old “hotties” out on the town looking to meet boys – they are considered to be in their prime dating age, really. However, as you might imagine, flash forward a quick 6, 7 or 8 years (yes, they go fast) and many of these same girls are very anxious to get married. Sure, they had a tremendous amount of fun dating casually, going out with the guys who weren’t good/right for them and possibly partying their fair share. Or maybe they’re “unattached” because they held out for Mr. Perfect until they realized that Mr. Perfect does not exist. Or maybe it’s because they were completely focused on excelling in their careers and it seemed as if there was all the time in the world to think about having babies. But they now realize the window to have a family is closing a little more each day. Often these women look great for their age (like many women in Manhattan do) and they don’t feel old by any means. But they have come to realize that, unfortunately, the human biological clock wasn’t set specifically for Eastern Standard Time. And, so for many of these women, dating is no longer simply dating. It has changed into a vetting process that is loaded with expectation, disappointment and frustration.

And, of course, the Big Ben reality isn’t lost on the men either. Yes, the men tell me, they want to be married and have kids. But not tomorrow. “She’s [x] years old? She must want kids as of yesterday. I want to be dating the person I am going to marry for at least a year. Then I want to be engaged for a year. Then I want to be married for at least two or three years before I have kids. So what is she going to do about having kids at [insert age]? My cut off is 36”. And you thought only women had these timelines in their heads! I literally had a conversation that went exactly this way the other day with a guy I never dreamed would have such a fixed time schedule.

If women could only hear the things I hear. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Ladies, but being in the know helps me to convey information that can hopefully make a difference in some sassy single sister’s dating decisions. Message to the Women: You do not want to be a Paula Pan.

But before you get too smug, guys, please know that Peter Pan is not so sexy either. Many women are skeptical of a guy who is 40, 45, 48, etc. and never married and some women I know even refuse to be introduced to “those guys.” To them, it is a major, major indicator of skeletons in the closet, commitment phobia and/or a lack of desirability in general. Maybe there are enough women who overlook it, but there are plenty who will not.

And then there is the “able dad” issue. I met a guy who was 51 who told me that he still wants to have kids and so he only wants to meet women 37 or younger. I tried to break it to him that most 37 years olds don’t want their husbands in Depends when their kids are in college. Of course, I conveyed the message with more sensitivity (btw, I did not take him on as a client) … that was a year ago and he is still single and one year closer to his senior citizen discount. But he would not budge on age, consider dating a woman with kids or ever consider the thought of adopting. And for what it’s worth, let me remind my guy readers, your sperm ain’t immune from wrinkling either. See my Don’t Shoot the Messenger Part II blog (May 2009) for more on this. You have to wonder – why the hell did this guy wait so long? Because he drank the Kool-Aid, of course.[2]

Ironically, these same New Yorkers who are uber-driven and focused in their careers/social lives frequently take a laissez-fare approach when it comes to their loves lives and often completely drop the ball. Indeed, these singles think that if they simply appear at a large number of social events per month they've done what they need to do and Mr. or Miss Right is going to magically turn up. You would not network for a high powered law firm or banking job at a local pub or leave beginning the preparation of a pitch to snare a top account to an hour before your meeting, so why would one assume he or she can take a comparably unfocused approach to finding a life partner? It seems like an obvious statement, but singles need to think strategically about dating. If they took a more focused approach to meeting their potential future partners (whether with the expertise of a service or just engaging in more deliberate dating in general) they would likely find that they can avoid the Captain Hooks of dating’s Never-Never Land.

New York is a wonderful city and it’s a lot of different things to many different people, but it’s not a children’s fairytale. And most would say that’s a good thing … after all, growing up’s not so bad.


[1] Ever wonder how New York got this nickname? Apparently, it was “first used by Washington Irving and others in the Salmagundi Papers, with satirical reference to Gotham, England, where the wise men acted as fools in order to avoid paying for the king's upkeep.” See http://www.answers.com/topic/gotham-new-york-city (also addresses the Batman reference)

[2] I imagine most readers are aware of the unfortunate background story to this now common expression, but for the curious, you can find answers at the always informative Urban Dictionary site. See http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=drink+the+kool-aid