It’s true. If someone’s really passionate about the Inverted Head Four Annas[1] stamp from India it could be downright hot.
Ok, I actually don’t know anyone personally who collects stamps these days, but the point of this blog is really that interests are sexy, passions are sexy … regularly engaging in cool activities is sexy.
As you can imagine, I speak with a lot of singles (of all different backgrounds and personality types) about what they are looking for in their potential life partner. Outside of universally stating that they are looking to meet someone who is truly happy in themselves (see “Your Best Valentine,” Feb. 9, 2009 blog for more on this), the other most oft articulated response is unfailingly that they want to meet someone who has interests and is interesting. In some ways, these two concepts are inextricably tied together.
Sound like a simple request in a city like New York ? Well, you might be surprised to learn that there are many single New Yorkers who proclaim to have encountered a profound lack of interesting people out there. And hard as it might be to hear, Ladies, the complaint is largely coming from the guys.
Yes, Loyal Readers, you can consider this blog sort of an addendum to “Don’t Shoot the Messenger: Part I” (see May 7, 2009 blog). While it is very important in this ever so competitive city to be slim and put together, it is also simply not enough just to look good. Having interests and being interesting is equally important.
Just recently, a male client (let’s call him “Jim”) lamented to me – “I meet so many women in New York who are just plain boring. Their only interest is watching reality t.v., looking good … and shopping. Yes, I want to meet someone who looks great but after a while looks fade and we need to have something to talk about!”
In fact, I hear this from a lot of Jims, Joes and Jacks. They’re looking for the girl who they can admire for having interests that are not just staying in shape, seeing her friends and finding a husband.
So, word of caution to the Ladies: if you look hot in your Tory Burch ensemble but don’t have anything to add to the conversation, a lot of “Jims” will ask you out, sleep with you and potentially date you, but chances are they ain’t marrying you.
And it must be said here that despite Jim’s comment that the attractive women he has met of late are “boring,” we all know that Manhattan is home to countless women who are VERY attractive as well as super interesting, passionate about life and engaged in the world around them. And, so Ladies, the really quality men (i.e. those men who also take care of themselves physically, have good jobs and are successful, kind and interesting) are looking for these type of women as their counterparts (yes, of course, there are the guys who love the model-types who stare vapidly out onto the world, but we’re not talking about those guys – we’ll leave them to their models).
To be sure, there is something really appealing to men when your eyes light up talking about how you scaled Mt. Kilimanjaro (yes, one of my female clients has done this – I listened to her story of trekking in the night, blackness all around except for the light emanating from her headgear in complete awe), or when you talk about how you got a scholarship for your voice at a top school (another client’s passion is singing – and well!). [2]
Ok, not everyone is going to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro but that doesn’t mean other interests and hobbies aren’t appealing. You can be passionate about World War II history or fencing or cooking or Russian films or Moorish architecture or Spanish medieval literature … or stamp collecting. You get the picture - it really doesn’t matter. The point is just to have interests that aren’t limited to your yoga or spin class. And if you have plenty of true[3] interests and passions, make sure that you don’t get too lost in the giddiness of dating that you forget to convey these interests to your prospective suitor. Because that’s when you shine![4]
Ok, Ladies, please know that your message to the men is on its way, so Guys, don’t think you’re going to get away scot free[5] on this one (hint: Part II is titled “Stamp Collecting Can be Too Sexy”).
[1] “The Inverted Head Four Annas of India is a famous stamp prized by collectors. The 1854 first issues of India included a Four Annas value in red and blue. However, an invert error occurred during production, showing the head 'upside down.' This is one of the world's first multicolored stamps.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inverted_Head_4_Annas
[2] Similarly, isn’t it sexy when you meet a guy who has a true passion or skill at something that is totally unexpected? Both men and women are attracted to people who are excited about life and manifest their passion for life in what they do.
[3] I use the word “true” to qualify the word “interest” here because many New Yorkers will say that they love art, theater, etc. but they haven’t been to an exhibit or play in years. Taking advantage of poetry readings, gallery openings, indie films at the Film Forum, etc. on a regular basis helps to give you plenty of interesting things to talk about with a date and shows that there is likely real substance behind such phrases as “my interests include art, travel and reading.”
[4] And worse, yet, don’t lose these interests when you start dating, because that’s likely part of what drew him to you in the first place!
[5] If you, like many others, mistakenly thought the expression “scot free” finds its origins in the story of Dred Scott, click onto the following link to find out the real origin of this phrase (going to make you do a little work this time!). http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/scot%20free.html
Interested in receiving invaluable dating feedback, benefiting from image consulting, dating coaching, personalized introductions, events and more? Contact Marni at marni@sundayatnoon.com to learn more about becoming a client. Give yourself the gift of love in 2010.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?
Recently a group of friends and I were speaking with a male friend from Northern Europe about NYC dating protocol. Where he hails from, if you’ve gone to the trouble of asking a girl out you like her, if she says yes she likes you … if you go out and have a great time, then you’re dating … and you’re not about to keep dating new people each week. If it doesn’t work out, well then you start again. Ok, perhaps somewhat over simplified, but still his point was made.
As expected, we all informed him that this is so far from the norm in New York ... and he was left utterly bewildered. In complete earnestness, he asked us to enlighten him on our American-style of "courtship". Through our best efforts we tried to explain the rules, the understandings and the norms of American/NYC dating.
We informed our friend with the funny accent and ruddy cheeks that in this city it’s fair to assume that any person you meet and go out with is probably dating other people. Perhaps they’ve got dates lined up each day of the week or even back to back or perhaps they are going out with a few people who are in the running to be the future Mrs./Mr. Right. Indeed, chances are any person you meet is out and about dating - as any normal New York single would be. Thus, one must know, that even a hookup, or multiple hookups (no matter how good, passionate, romantic, etc.) and even numerous great dates during which you feel so connected do not equate to exclusivity.
To be sure, even if people genuinely like each other, it’s really nothing personal - it’s all about keeping your options open. Ultimately, the outcome of our explanation to our Scandinavian visitor was that dating here is not like in his homeland. On this front the U.S. is still like the Wild West – a land with no rules and governed by pure lawlessness.
And the trouble with the NYC system is that the lack of rules leaves so many questions unanswered: “Should I tell this person who is smitten with me that, while I like him, he is not the only one I am seeing?” “When do I have to explain this – after two dates, two weeks, two months?” “Do I owe this explanation to the girl I am spending time with if we haven’t slept together?” “Even if we have slept together, do I owe it to him or her if she or he hasn’t asked?” “When do I owe ANYTHING to anyone?”
One of my friends – let’s call him Lothario Z. – was dating two girls simultaneously for several months. And yes, he was sleeping with both. In his mind the arrangement was completely kosher – neither asked if he was dating anyone else, so he felt no need to tell them (by the way, Lothario Z. is actually a very sincere, kind guy). Ultimately, he cut one lady friend loose to focus on the one he really saw as a potential life partner. And serious they got. But when she learned, months later, that in the first few months of their relationship that she was one of two, she was not happy to put it mildly (in fact, it almost caused a breakup). In his mind, however, his conduct was justified – she never asked. And, according to him, he never told her anything to convey they were exclusive (nor did he ask her what she was up to, therefore also remaining completely in the dark as to whether she dating/sleeping with others).
Yes, yes, you know what happens when you assume … Note to Girls and Guys Alike: Until you have a conversation and agreement on the topic, it’s not safe to assume anything is exclusive.
So, if you don’t have the right to assume exclusivity and it’s too early to have that conversation, what’s a hapless dater to do? Why, keep going out on dates, of course. Upon hearing this advice, one of my girlfriends (let’s call her Jane) lamented that she is just not the kind of person to date multiple people at once. “How do people do it? If I go out with someone it’s because I like him [Jane is an unusually decisive Manhattanite, not forever caught up in the “BBD” -- bigger, better deal] – I don’t want to go out with anyone else! I would feel deceitful.” Very European of Jane.
As hard as it is to advise against the romantic ideal of falling head over heals and cutting off all other options immediately, I advised Jane that she needed to be smart about her dating life. We all know that it takes a long time to get to know someone. Why would you spend valuable time just with one person only to find out a month and a half later you’re really not compatible in the long run. Why would you put all of your eggs in one basket only to find them all broken two months later and having to start all over? And if you don’t have an exclusive relationship why, oh why, would you cut off all of your other precious options? (Jane is shaking her head, wondering why she can’t have an exclusive relationship right away – because Jane, you don’t know him, he doesn’t know you and anything can happen…).
Jane reverts back to the question of what exactly is she supposed to say to the guy that she likes but maybe not as much as the other guy she likes but doesn’t really know and what exactly does she owe him? Wow, that’s a convoluted one. Of course, I tell Jane she owes him nothing, but still I feel for her predicament. Maybe we should all move to Europe …
As expected, we all informed him that this is so far from the norm in New York ... and he was left utterly bewildered. In complete earnestness, he asked us to enlighten him on our American-style of "courtship". Through our best efforts we tried to explain the rules, the understandings and the norms of American/NYC dating.
We informed our friend with the funny accent and ruddy cheeks that in this city it’s fair to assume that any person you meet and go out with is probably dating other people. Perhaps they’ve got dates lined up each day of the week or even back to back or perhaps they are going out with a few people who are in the running to be the future Mrs./Mr. Right. Indeed, chances are any person you meet is out and about dating - as any normal New York single would be. Thus, one must know, that even a hookup, or multiple hookups (no matter how good, passionate, romantic, etc.) and even numerous great dates during which you feel so connected do not equate to exclusivity.
To be sure, even if people genuinely like each other, it’s really nothing personal - it’s all about keeping your options open. Ultimately, the outcome of our explanation to our Scandinavian visitor was that dating here is not like in his homeland. On this front the U.S. is still like the Wild West – a land with no rules and governed by pure lawlessness.
And the trouble with the NYC system is that the lack of rules leaves so many questions unanswered: “Should I tell this person who is smitten with me that, while I like him, he is not the only one I am seeing?” “When do I have to explain this – after two dates, two weeks, two months?” “Do I owe this explanation to the girl I am spending time with if we haven’t slept together?” “Even if we have slept together, do I owe it to him or her if she or he hasn’t asked?” “When do I owe ANYTHING to anyone?”
One of my friends – let’s call him Lothario Z. – was dating two girls simultaneously for several months. And yes, he was sleeping with both. In his mind the arrangement was completely kosher – neither asked if he was dating anyone else, so he felt no need to tell them (by the way, Lothario Z. is actually a very sincere, kind guy). Ultimately, he cut one lady friend loose to focus on the one he really saw as a potential life partner. And serious they got. But when she learned, months later, that in the first few months of their relationship that she was one of two, she was not happy to put it mildly (in fact, it almost caused a breakup). In his mind, however, his conduct was justified – she never asked. And, according to him, he never told her anything to convey they were exclusive (nor did he ask her what she was up to, therefore also remaining completely in the dark as to whether she dating/sleeping with others).
Yes, yes, you know what happens when you assume … Note to Girls and Guys Alike: Until you have a conversation and agreement on the topic, it’s not safe to assume anything is exclusive.
So, if you don’t have the right to assume exclusivity and it’s too early to have that conversation, what’s a hapless dater to do? Why, keep going out on dates, of course. Upon hearing this advice, one of my girlfriends (let’s call her Jane) lamented that she is just not the kind of person to date multiple people at once. “How do people do it? If I go out with someone it’s because I like him [Jane is an unusually decisive Manhattanite, not forever caught up in the “BBD” -- bigger, better deal] – I don’t want to go out with anyone else! I would feel deceitful.” Very European of Jane.
As hard as it is to advise against the romantic ideal of falling head over heals and cutting off all other options immediately, I advised Jane that she needed to be smart about her dating life. We all know that it takes a long time to get to know someone. Why would you spend valuable time just with one person only to find out a month and a half later you’re really not compatible in the long run. Why would you put all of your eggs in one basket only to find them all broken two months later and having to start all over? And if you don’t have an exclusive relationship why, oh why, would you cut off all of your other precious options? (Jane is shaking her head, wondering why she can’t have an exclusive relationship right away – because Jane, you don’t know him, he doesn’t know you and anything can happen…).
Jane reverts back to the question of what exactly is she supposed to say to the guy that she likes but maybe not as much as the other guy she likes but doesn’t really know and what exactly does she owe him? Wow, that’s a convoluted one. Of course, I tell Jane she owes him nothing, but still I feel for her predicament. Maybe we should all move to Europe …
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Because You Asked ...
Just the other day an acquaintance asked me ... "Marni, what exactly do you do? How does your business work? I don't even know..." In fact, those same questions are asked frequently so I figured to kill hundreds of birds with one stone (not PC idiom, I know, especially coming from an animal lover) that I would attempt in this blog to give my readers a better understanding of what Sunday at Noon is all about.
What? The truth is, I hate the word Matchmaking. It conjures up images of Yente from Fiddler on the Roof - fat, overbearing and old. God, I hope no one would describe me that way! But that is what I do. I set people up. Not super complicated. Unfortunately, none of the other words I have tried really cut it - social networking? social engineering? relationship headhunting ... nah. So, matchmaking it is. But not your standard matchmaking.
Who? The first time a prospective client asked "who does Sunday at Noon?" I was so surprised. Possibly you! Me (if I weren't the founder). Your best friend. Your sister. Your brother. Wonderful, quality single people in the city. People who are finally ready to meet someone great and move on to the next stage of their lives. People who don't want to sit around anymore hoping that they will meet the love of their lives - they want to be proactive about it and make things happen.
My clients range from 25 to 51, they are men and women from various cultural and religious backgrounds, but what they all have in common is that they are well-educated, attractive, successful professionals. With their limited time due to their lifestyles, my clients gain the benefit of quality introductions without sacrificing countless hours on the internet or wasting precious time on inappropriate dates.
How? "How does the process work?" Is usually the next question. Simple. I take on clients who pay to join and I then undertake a very thorough and intensive search for people who would be a great match. After screening the prospective matches, I then set them up to meet for Sunday brunch, ergo the name Sunday at Noon. The process regarding arranging people's schedules, the confidential nature of the service, etc. I won't get into here - feel free to check out my Philosophy and Process links on my site if you're curious to know more on that (sundayatnoon.com). It's all spelled out there.
Of course, there's also feedback. We could all be better daters - and I help people with that. From wardrobe to protocol, sometimes the feedback comes from me based upon my observations and sometimes it comes straight from the date. It is worth its weight in gold. Part of my job also includes being a resource and giving advice even as my clients start to date the men and women I have introduced them to - they know I am constantly hearing from men and women about their dating/relationship views, stories and needs.
And then there are my monthly events which are an added benefit for my clients. Clients get an opportunity to meet dozens of new people every month and people are connecting. Anyone who has been to my parties knows they're not "singles parties" - but just great events which draw dynamic professionals. Sailing, bowling, cheese tasting ... just some of the events I throw. Of course, it's also a lot of work making sure that everything is up to par but that's where my anal lawyer type A personality comes in handy ... ensuring the proper male to female ratio and that everyone at the event has a great time. And if you've been to an event before and I haven't invited you back it might have been for that precise reason (keeping the ratio even) - of course, clients always get invited.
Why? Meeting new, quality people can be particularly hard for professionals in New York - especially after your 20s. Anyone who says it isn't hasn't lived here long enough or is recently single. In fact, it's not just New York. Friends of mine in other cities (e.g. LA, D.C., Chicago) say the same thing - it's difficult in urban areas for a myriad of reasons.
Just like many of my clients now, I was an extremely busy attorney in Manhattan with very little free time to be out meeting new people (it's all about those billable hours and making partner!). Yes, I could go out when I wasn't tied to my desk and meet some Joe Schmo at a bar, but I kept wondering where in this city of millions were the quality guys?
I knew - personally as well as in addition to hearing countless stories from single friends and colleagues - that there was a profound need for someone in this city to bring quality people together with honesty, integrity and skill.
Almost two years ago, I jokingly told a friend of mine lamenting his single status that I should start my own business and improve upon everything out there. He looked me dead on and said "Why don't you? You're the one person I know who could do it." I have always been extremely social, a networker and a connector. Well before I started my matchmaking business, I had a vast network of friends and acquaintances of all different backgrounds - not just lawyers and bankers but also artists, entrepreneurs, academics, jet setters, Hamptons friends - you name it. I have always had an excellent instinct for people and I have always loved setting people up. When I told friends that I was planning on starting my matchmaking business the reaction was the same across the board: you are going to be awesome at this, it's what you were meant to do!
Ok, I hope I killed a thousand birds (you know what I mean) - but if you still have questions, feel free to write me directly - you know where to find me!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Job Opening: No Pay But Excellent Benefits
Yes, that's it, it's time to fire cupid. His judgment is questionable, his timing is off, and he seems to take a perverse joy in watching one love struck single pine for someone who, in turn, is pining for someone else. His quarterly reviews have been consistently poor and in this time of economic downsizing lackluster performance cannot go unaddressed.
And just who is going to fill the job opening? You. That's right, YOU. Now, please don't complain that you already have enough work to do and that you barely take lunch as it is - when times are tough we all have to make adjustments. Plus, Valentine's Day is just one month away, so no time for whining - you need to get to it and hit the ground running (oh right, don't forget to be a team player and think outside the box - gotta love corporate America lingo).
Of course, with little over 30 days until the project due date (yes, Cupid left a whole stack of work unfinished for February 14th), you need a plan and ideally some short cuts. Here are five tips that may help you as you take matters into your own hands.
(1) Rework your on line profile. If you've been on line for a while and aren't getting the results you want, perhaps it's time to shake things up. Have a friend whose opinion you value look at your profile and ask him or her for honest feedback on how it could be better so it will stand out more in searches. You may even want to consider hiring a profile expert to give some guidance and objective advice. Maybe it's time to change your photo, switch sites, or modify your search to target new victims (I mean love interests - victims was Cupid's word...).
(2) Get out. The chances of your sushi delivery guy being the love of your life is slim to none, so if you're not out and about it's pretty much guaranteed that you're not going to meet someone. Thus, as obvious as it sounds, if you want to do your job effectively you need to leave the house and attend as many functions as you have time for and can afford. Accept as many invitations to super bowl and birthday parties as you can and try to make an appearance at all of them. Organize a girls or boys night out ... and also make sure to go a few places solo (e.g. Barnes and Noble draws a lot of single people in the evenings and on the weekends and could be a great place to meet someone. Just don't look too immersed in your book so that a prospective suitor would be afraid to bother you). Guys, go to a cooking or salsa class (I am amazed that more men who are looking to meet great women do not sign up for these classes as they are typically filled with all women). Girls, if you can handle the smoke, head to a cigar bar or get tickets for a sporting event like hockey or basketball. Whatever you do, just don't sit at home.
(3) Change your routine. Going to the gym at the same time every day? Time to change your morning work out for an evening exertion - you will be exposed to a whole new set of people. Going to the same Starbucks every morning for your double mocha latte frappucino swirl (ok, I totally made that drink up)? Try hitting a different Starbucks instead or even a new coffee shop altogether - again, you never know when the love of your life is going to be staring at you from across the expresso bar. You get the point - just start changing where you are and when.
(4) Spread the word. Tell your friends that you are following through on your resolutions for 2010 and one of them is to be proactive about meeting someone special. Do they know anyone at work that might be a good set up for you? Do they have any cousins, business school friends, neighbors in their building, etc. that they think you might like? While you might assume that they would have already made the effort to set you up if they had someone in mind, that's not necessarily so - sometimes people don't realize that Cupid didn't do his job properly and mistakenly think you don't need the "help."
(5) Consider hiring a professional. Why not allow someone to help you with your new project? Cupid had no incentive to strike you with his bow, but a professional is paid to be working for you 24/7. Having someone be proactive in finding the right person for you only increases your chances of meeting the "One." This someone needs to "get" you and understand what you are looking for in a partner. Of course, he or she also needs to have the people you would want to meet in his or her database and needs to be trustworthy and knowledgeable.
Who knows, you just might come to see that Cupid should have been downsized a long time ago ...
Ready to get proactive about your love life and get started on meeting that special someone in 2010. Contact Marni at marni@sundayatnoon.com to learn more about becoming a client.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
A Call to Arms
First, let me start off by wishing all of my faithful readers a very happy New Year! Let's hope that 2010 is a year filled with much good for all those we know and love (and even those we don't know and love as it's good karma to wish positive things for others).
Not too long ago I met with a woman who was turning 41. She was attractive, bright and successful. We talked about her prior relationships for a while, what she was looking for in a partner, etc. (the usual stuff) and then she uttered two short sentences that seems to sum up all that I have come to know about the dating world for 40+ year old single women in New York City. It was candid, direct and succinct but also profoundly full of meaning: "Nobody told me. No one warned me how things were going to suddenly change." Across from me was a woman who had never lacked for male attention or serious suitors in the past and now men that would have previously been interested weren't asking her out because she's over 40. The landscape had changed.
The reasons for this "ageism" vary. Sometimes it's just a value system. Obviously, there is a premium placed on youth and good looks in this world. Younger is often "better" and that's reality. That being said, to some, experience, wordliness and maturity are more valuable than a tight ass and perfect skin. Sometimes men don't want to acknowledge their own aging and a young partner may make them feel better about themselves.[2] I am going to skip over these types of analyses (perhaps to be tackled another day) to address the reasons articulated most frequently for the age discrimination I witness.
Many guys will simply cite the woman's age and say they want kids. With an attitude of “’nough said.” As if the number 40 speaks for itself. If you spend 20 minutes online you can find ample information showing that many women in their early 40s have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. Yes, everyone knows that there is an increased risk of infertility and complications in pregnancies as women get older but these issues actually start to become relevant in pregnancies where the women are 35 and over (should these still aspiring papas now drop their maximum age limit to 30?).
Not so fast - women under 30 beware. Research has shown that for women under 30, a male partner aged 40 or over reduced their chances of conceiving by a quarter; for women between 35 and 37, a partner over 40 reduced conception to a one-in-three possibility.[3] Studies also show that men over 35 are twice as likely to be infertile.[4]
Other research shows that there is an increased risk for autism in instances of men in their 30s fathering children and the risk of having an autistic child is five times higher when the father is in his 40s.[5] For men having children over 40, studies show there is also a dramatic increase in the risk that the child will be affected by schizophrenia, dwarfism, bipolar disorder, certain childhood cancers, or even, later in life, Alzheimer's.[6] In fact, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine "has set an upper age limit of 40 years old for semen donors because of the increased risk of genetic abnormalities in the offspring of older fathers." .[7]
Thus, these men who are so quick to point to the women’s biological clock as a deal breaker are truly an example of the pot calling the kettle black. Sure Tony Randall could have a baby at 77 (whereas a septuagenarian women has long passed menopause), but that does not mean the male’s biological clock does not exist. For some reason it is just never discussed. News flash: Men have a biological clock and it ticks pretty damn loudly.
Another reason 40+ guys have given in regard to not being interested in meeting women closer to their own age is they have a time frame for kids that is still years away. This issue was already addressed briefly in my prior blog Peter Pan Lives on Perry Street (Nov. 11, 2009) (please reference the section regarding dads too old to play sports with their teenage kids and add the additional factor that studies show older dads have less patience with their children), coupled with the paragraph above, I think it's fine to leave this reason and move onto the next.
The next reason comes compliments of "Al". Al was 46 but easily could have passed for 56 (I know he was actually 46 because I checked his license). Despite this, Al told me his age cut off for women was 37. Stunned, I asked him why and he shared his view that women who are over 37 and never married tend to be bitter. On the surface it seemed like a valid reason ... but to stereotype every woman over 37 in such an unflattering way is like saying everyone from Wisconsin loves cheese (I know this is not true because I once met someone from Madison who did not). The irony of this guy is that he was so woefully, unhappily single and yet was ruling out an entire segment of women simply based on likely bad choices he had made in the past. I know a lot of happy, not-bitter, joyful single women in their late 30s and early 40s (some never married and some divorced).
In fact, while the bulk of my female clients are under 40, some of these phenomenal 40+ women are my clients. Which brings me to the real point of this blog. The women who come to me looking for help in meeting that special someone could easily be your friends, co-workers, family members ... people you love and respect. So I am asking you, Dear Readers, if you know any men who are in their 40s and 50s (they could be your friend, a colleague, an uncle) who are open to meeting quality, very attractive women who are 39 (ok, yes, the bias actually starts a wee bit prior to 40) to 49 they should contact me and I may very well be able to introduce them to the love of their lives. They don't have to become a client[8] and they don't have to spend a dime (other than treating for the date). You're thinking of someone in particular and he's divorced? Perfect - regarding men over 40 that is actually the preference. He has kids? No problem (in fact, it is a preference for many of my clients who are divorced, do not have kids and are not looking to start a new family). If you're wondering what kind of men I'm looking for, that's easy - the standard: good guys who are kind, interesting, fun, active, successful and looking for a real relationship.
[1] The irony of that episode was the 45 year old gentlemen millionaire on the show who asserted he wanted to meet a young vixen ended up having more in common and, picking, the successful female millionaire client on the show who was the CEO of a high end fashion label, absolutely gorgeous … and 40.
[2] This can often have the opposite effect, however, when the courtship phase is over and the men realize that they really can’t keep up with their younger counterpart.
[3] See Men's Reproductive Function Can Be Damaged If They Have Children After 40 http://english.pravda.ru/science/health/04-05-2006/79869-men-0; see also Male Biological Clock Also 'Ticking': Fertility Problems Greater For Men Over 35
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/07/080706194250.htm.
[4] See Is Your Sperm Too Old?, http://www.themalebiologicalclock.blogspot.com, Nov. 22, 2009 Blog, see also Research: Male Biological Clock Winds Down After 35
("According to the ASRM, infertility is a male problem 35 percent of the time; a female problem 35 percent of the time, a combined problem of the couple 20 percent of the time, and the final 10 percent is unexplained. The Columbia research found that the risk of miscarriage of a fetus conceived by a father over age 40 was 60 percent greater than if the father were 25 to 29, irrespective of other factors that have been linked with increased miscarriage risk, such as the mother's age, maternal diabetes, poor maternal health and smoking during pregnancy. The increased risk of miscarriage does not just apply to fathers in their 40s, however. The miscarriage risk in a pregnancy involving a father aged 35 to 39 was three times higher than the risk if the father were under 25.").
[5] Id.
[6] Id.; see also It Seems The Fertility Clock Ticks for Men,Too
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/27/health/27sper.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1 (very good New York Times Article worth taking the time to read).
[7] See Research: Male Biological Clock Winds Down After 35, supra.
[8] For those who are unaware of how my business model works, I take on clients both male and female and set up personalized introductions. The introductions can be client to client or between a client and someone who is in my “database” (the database consisting of hundreds of single NYC men and women who I personally screen before any introduction). I can assure my readers that should you send someone to me who would like to be in my database and is open to meeting the 40+ women I have referenced he will not be pressured in any way to become a client.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Year End Review
This is it … that time of year … the time of year for unbelievable post-Christmas sales, for making New Year’s resolutions that end up having a shorter shelf life than ripe bananas, for organizing crazy fun New Year’s plans that never end up being that crazy or that fun and … for enduring the dreaded OR welcome Year End Review (it’s all in the perspective, right?).
Yes, in the ensuing weeks, lawyers, bankers, marketers, you name it, will be called in to the head honcho’s office for a frank but diplomatic assessment of their strengths and weaknesses. “Sit down so and so, it’s time to discuss your accomplishments this year, and while we’re at it, we should address a few areas that could use some work ...” Gen X yuppies everywhere will find out whether they will get promoted, what their bonuses will be and/or whether they will be vigorously searching their contacts trying to locate the number of that persistent headhunter whose calls were of mild interest a year or so back.
What does this have to do with dating, you might ask? Well, just picture it – what if you could receive a Year End Review not in your capacity as an associate or aspiring managing director but as a single guy or girl about town with an active dating life, but possibly unfulfilling love life. Wouldn’t it be great if we could line up all of our love interests from 2009 and get a similar no-nonsense assessment of our strengths and weaknesses as a date, as a boyfriend/girlfriend, as a potential life partner ... You know, something like: “Suzie, you exhibited excellent conversation skills, but lackluster table manners.” Or perhaps: “Richard, if you could just try to work on the foreplay skills, you’ll be promoted in no time.”
This type of tough love feedback would be worth its weight in gold. Even if you disagree with the person’s take away (we all know colleagues who leave their year end reviews arguing against the collective wisdom of the firm/company/bank because they don’t want to acknowledge that they might not be the perfect employee) you would at least know that someone else perceived you that way. And while it may not have mattered with this prior paramour, the next time around it might be someone you really like who harbors the fatal misperception.
Unfortunately, unlike in corporate America, singles in the dating world are highly reluctant to provide truly candid feedback to one another. This is understandable, as the fear of confrontation is a strong one and, anyway, most good natured people don’t want to offend others so they opt for platitudes (e.g. “It’s not you, it’s me”). Therefore, bewildered daters are often left wondering “Why? Why didn’t I get the return call/the third date/the coveted invite to spend New Year’s together?”
So then, just how does one get answers to ensure that at the end of 2010 you don’t find yourself in precisely the same place as you were at 12:30pm on December 29, 2009? For the fantastic men and women who choose to become my clients, I am in the unique position of being able to pass on a tremendous amount of relevant and constructive feedback from a variety of sources. Of course, outside of seeking the assistance of a professional, there’s also the option of going straight to the source and asking the girls/guys you’ve dated for their honest constructive criticism. If you’re still friends, you might invite the person you were dating for coffee and, while assuring him or her that you have not entered AA, ask your ex-love interest what advice he or she would give you for 2010.
If you’re not in a position to reach out to an “ex” perhaps you can ask a family member whose opinion you trust or two or three friends who know you very well to: (1) share with you their assessment of what you might be doing that is leading to disappointment in your love life and (2) offer one piece of advice (or more) they would give you regarding what to work on for the upcoming year. We all know that, given the opportunity, we would have ample constructive critique to offer those we love. Can there be any doubt that the feeling is reciprocal among those who love us? Most people do not fully appreciate how they might be coming across to others. What better way for you to find out than by asking? And as the saying goes, knowledge is power.
So, here are a few pointers that might help in the conduct of the “Year End Review”:
- Ask your ex-love interest/friend/family member, etc. to provide equally positive feedback to accompany the critique (this makes it an easier pill to swallow and reminds you that, yes, this person is your friend).
- Emphasize that you are looking for specific examples in the feedback you receive – not vague generalities.
- Try to elicit ideas on how you can make positive changes for the future.
- Take notes.
- Consume a lot of alcohol before and after (just kidding on this one).
If you embark on this path of self-discovery and improvement, it’s important to let your "reviewer" know that no matter what he or she says you are not going to get angry or hold it against him or her. Hearing honest, raw, unfiltered, critique can be the equivalent of being ripped open with a dull object and slowly being picked apart by vultures. It freakin’ hurts. I know – I have been lucky enough to receive such an unapologetic critique and, in light of what I do, I am the one giving such critiques on a weekly basis (though I always try to do it with a delicate hand).
The above exercise calls to my mind that famous line in A Few Good Men when Jack Nicholson announces to the tenacious Tom Cruise, “You can’t handle the truth!” I think it goes without saying that if you’re going to do this, you need to be able to handle the truth.
So, here’s a toast … to reviews, to the truth and to a knowledgeable, powerful, wonderful 2010.
Interested in receiving invaluable dating feedback, benefiting from image consulting, dating coaching, personalized introductions, events and more? Contact Marni at marni@sundayatnoon.com to learn more about becoming a client. Give yourself the gift of love in 2010.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The Path To The Dark Side
All of my faithful readers know by now that I love New York, warts and all. As New Yorkers, we deal with extreme noise, extreme stress, extreme prices, extreme traffic … extremely small living spaces … and still we thrive. And we also choose to live here despite the various perils inherent in living in one of the world’s most important and highly populated cities. Nevertheless, we leave our apartments every morning instead of staying home for fear of what might happen on the way to the subway because we seem to recognize that you can’t let fear dictate your life (and we need to go to work so we can afford our expensive rents).
Indeed, as Mark Twain aptly noted, “Courage is not the lack of fear, it’s acting in spite of it.”[1]
However, the truth is that when it comes to relationships and finding a life partner, many fearful New York singles simply don’t act. Their fear of the inherent dangers in dating paralyzes them into inaction and so they never (figuratively) leave the safety of their apartments’ four walls. Or, if they do, it is with enough body armor to withstand a full frontal assault. In many ways when it comes to dating these cynical New York singles act more like the cowardly lion – afraid to put themselves out there and see what might happen – than the tough, courageous stereotype of New Yorkers that the world has come to view us as.
And this makes sense in a way. New Yorkers are achievers, right? Achievers are not used to failing. Rejection = failing = not good. Therefore, it’s easier to act as if meeting and connecting with someone is not a priority and that other things are just more important (work, social life, etc.) than to proactively put yourself out there. This way you haven’t failed in your goal. Of course, there is also the real fear of even opening up to someone in this dog eat dog city. Add to this the fear of not being successful/thin/cool/good enough … you get the point. What if this other person learns that you are not perfect and then tells someone else about it – no one wants his or her cover blown. And, then there is one of the most paralyzing fears of all: the fear of making the wrong choice (“who knows if I commit to this person I might miss the opportunity for something bigger and better?”). The fear of settling for less than what you think you can get can keep one vigilant about not getting trapped into the wrong relationship … and it can also keep one from ever being in a meaningful relationship at all. Yes, in New York, bigger and better is always around the corner.
On top of all that, is the fear of getting screwed (of course, figuratively – not literally). If you have had enough bad dating experiences in this city it’s not surprising that a fundamental need for self-preservation kicks in. As corny as it may sound, dating can be scary. Especially if you really like someone. Getting rejected sucks, plain and simple. Being vulnerable sucks. If you’ve dated long enough, chances are you’ve been burned. You were too nice, too available, too trusting … too flammable. Taking a cautious approach or a preemptive stance certainly helps you avoid being burned again - e.g. "This time around, I won’t show I’m invested until he or she shows me.” or “This person might reject me? F – that – I’ll reject him/her first.” It’s easier to claim that you don’t care if the person you are starting to date chooses to walk away because there are plenty of other quality, good looking fish in this proverbial sea, than to let the catch of the day know you actually care for him or her.
Employing the foregoing attitude definitely helps prevent the arson attack but it also often leads to yet another night of meaningless interactions and lamenting your single status. It’s understandable that some people’s fears of not succeeding might keep them from even trying. It’s also understandable how many people would rather turn their frustration with dating outwards (and towards the opposite sex) instead of figuring out if it might possibly be something that they’re doing that keeps them from getting what they want.
But the point is to confront and surmount these fears. You might confront these fears by going to a party where you don’t know anyone (other than the host – not talking about party crashing here...), or by making it your objective to approach new people at events and not care if you occasionally get blown off (it happens to everyone) … or you might ask people who know you well for honest feedback about yourself and what they think you are doing that is keeping you from meeting the “One” (while the truth might hurt, you will be infinitely better off having heard it).
Of course, many people are in denial – they claim they don’t have any fears (all this talk of fear is far too “Dr. Phil” for them) and so they can’t even know how to confront them. With the New Year around the corner what better time than now to take a cold, hard look at yourself and ask some tough questions. Indeed, before you write your list of resolutions, how about writing a different list first – a list of what fears you have in regard to being in a relationship, getting married/not getting married and what you might be doing to prevent those things from happening. Because far worse than being indirectly called a scaredy-cat by some two-bit writer of a blog, should be the thought that you might be letting fear prevent you from getting what you want in life. And that would really suck.
Maybe it’s time for us all to watch Star Wars again.[2]
[1] Nelson Mandela offered a similar definition of courage: “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
[2] “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Yoda.
Curious to know what Sunday at Noon is about and the services Marni offers? Contact Marni at marni@sundayatnoon.com to learn more about becoming a client. Why not give yourself the gift of love this year? Sunday at Noon: It’s completely confidential, it’s fun and it’s effective.
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