Monday, August 23, 2010

Partnership Track

Recently I spoke with a girl – in other parts of the country they’d exclusively use the term woman – who is 36 and who told me that she had just hooked up with a 26 year old guy while out east in the Hamptons. She explained to me that she didn’t look 36, though, and that people often mistook her to be in her late 20s. I saw her pictures (she was interested in potentially becoming a client but was still very unsure about whether she needed anyone’s assistance with finding someone and she was very independent and “could be very happy alone”) - and I might give her early 30s. But the fact is that she is 36.

Now some people might say “you go girl” to this modern Ms. Robinson but the question is, where is she going? No doubt that the boy toy is great for a night of "fun" but ultimately it becomes crystal clear that eye candy is not particularly nutritious and you’d probably be better served changing your diet. (Ok, ok, I know it’s very hard to resist the young gun with the washboard abs and boyish smile who pursues you with an urgency that is often lacking with the older guys - an urgency which invariably falls off after a week of texting…).

Indeed, for all her talk about being happily single and having fun, I know this girl/woman will find herself in two or three more summers in the Hamptons sipping drinks at a parking lot on the side of the road thinking “for some reason, this seemed more fun a few years ago...” And then she will be 38 or 39. Not a great place to be for a single woman looking to get married in this very competitive, youth driven city.

What amazes me - or truthfully troubles me - about women in their mid to late 30s/early 40s in New York is that a good number of them are so unaware of the fact that no matter how young they think they look, or how much money they make, or what exclusive events or parties they go to, or how many people they know, or how many guys “hit on” them (but don’t stick around for more), their age is their age – and it is working against them each birthday.

While many NYC women might like to make the analogy that they are like a fine wine, I hate to break it to you, Ladies, most men who are looking to eventually get married and have a family are NOT looking at you that way. It is the unfortunate reality with men that younger is typically better. Why? There is no pressure to get married and have kids immediately with girls in their late 20s/early 30s. Also, naturally, there is less reason to worry that there are going to be fertility problems (yes, anyone who’s informed on this subject knows that men have them too but somehow they always get overlooked). And simply put, men are hardwired from thousands of years of evolution to believe that younger (i.e. more fertile) is simply better. The same way taller is typically more desirable to women when it comes to men – that’s just the way it is.

A guy friend of mine - who is in fact an exceptionally good guy - put it quite well recently. He told me about a date he went on with a woman who demonstrated such a sense of entitlement that he was forced to admit: “If I wanted to deal with this kind of attitude, I might as well date a 28 year old, not some 38 year old spoiled princess. Does she realize at this age, she needs to lose the attitude?” He is now dating a 27 year old (and he is 44).

Just hold on a minute Sunday at Noon Blog, what precisely are you saying?” some readers may be thinking. What does this mean? Women have no value after 35? Women shouldn’t love themselves at any age? Women should settle for losers because they are 38?

I am sure this blog is going to cause ire among a certain group of readers, but let’s get rid of all that nonsense. For starters, I am 37 so, clearly, I do not think that 35+ women have lost their value. But being that I know what the lay of the land is so to speak, I am just going to say it – Ladies, it’s time to wake up. You are not 25 anymore – and you don’t want to be 25 – there was too much drama and insecurity back then and you put up with way too much bs from the wrong guys. So what am I saying? That it’s time to consider acting your age and acting in a way that will get you what you presumably want – a wonderful partner who is your equal and who will love you and appreciate you and want to build a future with you.

Let me elaborate. As many of my readers know, I am an attorney by training and practiced law for ten years before starting my business helping people take control of their love lives. There is a familiar saying in the legal world: if you want people to see you as “partner material,” you need to act like a partner. You need to dress like a partner, think like a partner and act like you are already a partner. The same goes for dating.

If you are looking to meet someone with the potential to be your future husband, you need to be acting like a potential future wife. That means not hooking up with 26 year old boy toys who are not offering you anything other than possibly good sex and an ego boost. That means not getting drunk with your girlfriends anymore until 2 in the morning or drinking too much on your first dates and going home and hooking up. That means accepting a good man despite his “flaws” because he is accepting you despite your age and your “flaws” (whatever they may be). I often hear women who are 35+ rejecting men because they are losing their hair, are not tall enough, have a few extra pounds, etc. I want to say to these women (and sometimes have) do you have cellulite? Do you think men looove wrinkles? I tend to think not. Do you have a perfect ass? A body like a 22 year old? They are accepting you for your imperfections, why can’t you do the same?

So, Ladies, here is a friendly suggestion (please know that while the blog may be blunt, the commentary is conveyed with the most sincere intention to help): why not take a moment to reassess your priorities, start acting your age and start considering the men you are meeting as a potential partner ... you might just find you get treated the same way in return.

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