Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Getting Rid of “Mr. Just for Now” in Order to Meet “Mr. the Rest of Your Life”

After an extended hiatus from writing (my sincere apology, Readers, I know it has been an unforgivable six months since my last blog!), I am back to putting pen to paper.

For weeks, so many topics have been swirling in my head but none really prompting me to write until yesterday when, once again, I heard a female friend tell me about a great new guy she met this past weekend ... who is wildly inappropriate for her. BUT, she assured me, I should not fret (or judge!), as she fully recognizes that this gorgeous, trust fund, adonis (who happens to be ten years her junior) is “just for now.” And while she might (secretly) be wishing that something might in fact come of this May/December romance, it’s pretty apparent she knows in her heart of hearts she is not going to end up with this guy watching reruns of Mad Men in fifteen years. Why? Because he is far too young, too ridiculously hot and, most likely, too unavailable for what she is supposedly looking for at this stage of her life - marriage and a family.

Now, I’ve been at this blog writing long enough that I know I am going to get a post from some hopeless romantic questioning how I know these two cannot have a real, loving, long term relationship. Because I know. And if you insist on believing otherwise, I heard Cinderella’s blogs are a great read - and funny enough, they are all titled “Anything is Possible”.

Indeed, what’s the harm, some might ask, in our femme fatale dating her boy toy while she looks for her true partner to come along, the guy who’s the Real Deal. After all, she’s not deluding herself into thinking she’s marrying the guy ... she fully acknowledges that she has no expectations.

The problem with spending time with “Mr. Just for Now” ("JFN") is that while women think they can easily meet Mr. Right while they share their beds with Mr. JFN, it usually doesn’t work that way. And it has more to do than with just the fact that if you are spending time with one guy, you are probably not going to be approached by another guy (because we all know, only a d--- would do that).

The fact is, that if you are ok with spending time with Mr. JFN, then chances are you are not REALLY at a point in your life where you are committed to finding a life partner. You might think you are. But be honest with yourself - perhaps you don't want it to the level you think you do. Because that's the thing with having "no expectations." When you truly desire to meet a wonderful partner, who adores you and who has the potential to be the person you kiss goodnight for the next 40 or 50 years, Mr. JFN and having no expectations no longer cut it.

I actually see this behavior all around me. A little while back I had a good friend who kept telling me how badly she wanted to finally meet her guy and get married. And yet, despite professing this seemingly genuine yearning to get to the next, beautiful stage of her life, she would have her occasional booty call with a troublesome ex who she constantly assured me was no longer someone she wanted to be with. He was just for now, you know, she was killing time. At this juncture, it should already by clear that Mr. JFN does not necessarily have to be smoking hot and ten years younger - he can be an ex -boyfriend who still feels comfortable calling you at 2am and occasionally gets the benefit of an invitation to come over.

After hearing about another one of their slumber parties (without the slumber), I finally called my girlfriend out on her inconsistent behavior:

“We all know that when people are truly sincere in their desires, their actions match their words. And when you want something above all else, you recognize that anything you spend your time on that does not further your goal, is keeping you from your goal. At the moment, your actions are contradicting what you’re telling me. Booty calls with an ex have no place in a serious marriage-minded women’s life. If you want to be engaged to the most amazing man, have your actions match your words, clear the way for him and start BEHAVING like wife-material... The minute you kick Mr. JFN to the curb, Mr. “The Real Deal” is going to enter your life. :)”

Ok, I added the smiley face for effect (the conversation was in person). But kindly know, Readers, this was all said without judgment (please, we’ve ALL had booty calls) and simply conveyed with the logic of telling someone “if you want to lose weight, eating Krispy Creme donuts every morning is probably a bad idea."

Sadly, my friend never talked to me again. Just kidding. Actually, while I didn’t set up her with him, she tells everyone I am responsible for her meeting the man of her dreams. She cleared Mr. JFN right out of the picture and she met her fiance a few weeks later.

And that’s no fairy tale.

Marni Galison is a top matchmaker in New York City. In addition to her one-on-one introductions, Marni has coached clients to marriage, long term relationships and living with their partners. With her no-nonense but always empathetic manner, Marni helps clients recognize unproductive dating patterns that have kept them from meeting the One so that they can make room for the love of their lives. For more information about Marni's matchmaking services or simply to be in her database, please go to www.sundayatnoon.com.