Technology as the New Post-It Note

Happy 2009 to everybody! It’s a new year and a brave new world. It remains to be seen what 2009 has in store for us all, but in my line of work I wait with bated breath to see what new technology is going to make New Yorkers' dating lives easier … and far more complicated.

People are now truly accessible 24/7 either by phone, email or text. Maybe you’re putting long hours in the office or vacationing in another hemisphere but there’s no more legitimately being MIA, because we all know you saw our email or text come in. (Add the happy face to know the comment is recipient friendly.) In this age of personal technology and instant gratification, in many ways it’s your choice of how and when to respond that carries the message. So what does all this technology mean for dating? It has opened a whole new can of worms.

For example, let’s start with text messaging. What does it mean if a guy actually calls to make the first contact after getting a girl’s number? What was taken as a given only a few years ago (i.e., a voice-to-voice communication) is now laden with meaning. Wow – he must be interested. OR, he is a gentleman. OR, he is from the “older” generation. OR, maybe he simply hates text messaging. But the act of calling is likely to be interpreted as saying something. Text messaging also says something. It has become the easy/lazy/”rejection-minimizing” way to make that first contact. Text messaging ensures you don’t look too interested – it’s casual. Like, “hey, I am going here … we should meet up. If you don’t, it’s ok. I don’t really like you that much. Well, I might, but I need to see if you like me first before I make that disclosure.” So in the end it just reads “hey, I am going to be at [x]. You should come by.” If there’s no reply, one wasn’t really rejected. It’s not like a phone call with a loud and clear “No, thanks” on the other end and the uncomfortable pause. It is a pause, but a pause that has the possibility of getting broken some day…

Emily Post would certainly have had a field day with this new age of technology-related behavior. Is it rude to booty text someone at 3am? I am guessing she would have answered with a resounding yes (regardless of whether the booty text is actually welcome). Is it rude and immature to break up with someone over a text (the more current version of Carrie Bradshaw’s being broken up with on a Post-It note)? I think we can all agree that Emily Post would have frowned upon this complete lack of etiquette. The same goes for canceling a date via a text (we’re not talking about impromptu plans here or plans with your buddies, but a true, certifiable “Date”) – it is simply bad form. Women and men – walk away from such a situation – you have learned all you need to know!

But what about some far more complicated questions that leave room for 21st Century uncertainty? Let’s start this maiden blog with one I have discussed with men and women alike and I have heard opinions from all over the spectrum: The Next Day “Thank You Text”. Here is the scenario. A guy has asked a girl out on a date. They have a lovely time and the man, having been the one to extend the invitation on this occasion, pays for the dinner. The woman thanks him graciously and sincerely, more than once, and the night ends.

Before texting and emailing I don’t believe too many men expected the woman to pick up the phone the next day and call. But now, with the age of fast and brief communication, there is an expectation among some men that the woman should send a thank you text (or email) the next day to say once more, thank you AGAIN. Is this simply a pure “thank you email” to the guy or really code to men who need reassurance saying “I really like you, now you don’t need to guess at all, I have completely tipped my hand and you can feel free to ask me out again. You are safe.” Is the failure to send such a text or email considered bad manners and a possible reason to not have a follow-up date? OR, if a guy really likes a girl, will he call/email/text/send a message via a carrier pigeon regardless of whether the woman sends a follow-up email (and they won’t hold the lack of a next day thank you email/text against her) because that is just what men do when they like a woman? The answer is yes, they will. The next day, most likely. Before you have even had a chance to send the next day thank you email/text. If he hasn’t, it’s not because you didn’t reach out to say thank you, again. As one author would say, it’s because he’s just not that into you. But that topic’s for another day … Men, feel free to weigh in on this (though keep it nice and clean, or you will be edited!). Women, chime in too – both sexes are part of the equation. Wow, this is going to be fun…