Sugar and Spice and All Things TOO Nice?

When we were children we learned that boys were made of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails, while little girls, on the other hand, were made of sugar and spice and everything nice (i.e. all the good things too numerous to mention – probably flowers and sunshine and rainbows and unicorns’ horns).*

Thus, little girls everywhere knew that they had been mixed just perfectly to be sweet and sometimes a little sassy (hence the spice) but still always nice. Thus, when little Suzie and Jane were playing with their dolls and throwing tea parties and Suzie all of sudden had a bout of spoiled child syndrome, refusing to share her teapot, someone’s mom would rush over reprimanding: “Now Suzie, look how you just made Jane cry - be nice and share your teapot!” Suzie would grudgingly comply and that would be that. Meanwhile, in the next room, Davie and Bobby are playing with GI Joe and bashing each other’s brains out.

So when a man addressing a now grown, sexy, sassy Suzanne tries to grasp why she is always smiling when she sees him, possibly throwing in a big hug too, laughing at his jokes, but failing to return his calls, he needs to understand that he is confusing seeming interest with an extra tablespoon of molasses.

Recently, a friend of mine (let’s call him “Rob”) sought my guidance. He explained that he had called "Suzanne" last week and never heard back from her. When he saw her out the other night among mutual friends, she seemed thrilled to see him and spoke to him in a way that – to him – conveyed romantic interest. “I think I should call her one more time” he throws out there. My response: “Absolutely not. You’ve called her, she knows your number and she didn’t call, text or email back – she’s not interested.” “Well, then why doesn’t she just say to me with a big smile, I think you’re great but I’m just not interested.” (The smile is very important in this delivery. Said in a matter of fact manner and there is a solid chance of severe ego damage) Believe it on not, Rob is truly bewildered by why Suzanne can’t just come out and make this statement.**

Yes, why doesn’t she just say “Rob, you seem like a good guy, you’re not bad looking, you’re obviously pretty bright, but I have zero desire to go out with you. You do nothing for me and I would never sleep with you.”

“But Rob, she is saying it. She’s saying it by not calling you back” is my no-nonsense response. When a woman is interested her problem is typically calling back too soon, cancelling plans with her friends to be available when the guy offers last minute tickets to a show, etc. It is rarely the case where she is that interested but has mastered the art of being too coy. There really should be a “She’s Just Not That Into You” movie that could explain to guys, just because a woman is friendly, just because she smiles when she’s talking to you, just because she talks to you, it doesn’t mean she wants to go out with you. Probably, it means that she is remembering the scene with the teapot and is trying to be nice and spare your feelings.

The truth is, Rob is not alone in asking this question. Another male friend suggested to me a few years back, why can’t you just tell a guy nicely, “thanks, but I’m really not interested.” Even among the more outspoken and forthright of us, it’s awkward for women to be so direct and seemingly “mean/bitchy/not nice.” And honestly, do you see guys embodying the diplomatic frankness they apparently seem to desire from women?

So this is today’s question: Men, would you rather women just say, straight up in the middle of a conversation, “Joe, you seem nice, but I’m not interested” or would you rather they sweetly blow you off? Not that there’s any guarantee that even knowing your collective preference women will be able to accommodate - the kitten’s whiskers in them may simply not let them …

*For the curious, this well known nursery rhyme, “What Are Little Boys Made Of” (which was published around 1820 and attributed to the English poet Rober Southey) is part of a larger work called “What Are Folks Made Of.” Apparently, mothers are made of “ribbons and laces and sweet pretty faces” while fathers are made of “pipes and smoke and collars choke”. You can find the full rhyme at http://www.delamar.org/mgs-long_folksmadeof.html. I would like to know what lawyers are made of (briefs and motions and self-aggrandizing notions?) Bankers, anyone?

** Deborah Tannen provided a pretty good analysis of how men and women are socialized to use language differently in the book “You Just Don’t Understand." It’s an oldie but a goodie.